Have you ever felt the weight of family expectations and struggled to find your authentic self? Join us as we sit down with our lovely co-host Bonni and dive into her inspiring journey from a small town in Adis to life in America. Bonni shares her unique childhood stories, including the dynamics between her parents, her early schooling, and the influence of her aunts who instilled in her a strong work ethic and vulnerability.
As Bonni transitioned to America, she faced the challenge of meeting high expectations set by her family. Listen in as she opens up about navigating her social and academic life, and her struggle for perfection.
Throughout this heartfelt conversation, we delve deeper into Bonni's journey towards self-discovery and growth – from overcoming the people-pleasing syndrome to breaking free from societal expectations. You don't want to miss this inspiring and relatable episode. We invite you to share your thoughts in the comments section or on our Instagram page, and join us in celebrating Bonni's incredible story.
Visit our IG page at https://www.instagram.com/dc_overcoffee/ to join the conversation!
Have you ever felt the weight of family expectations and struggled to find your authentic self? Join us as we sit down with our lovely co-host Bonni and dive into her inspiring journey from a small town in Adis to life in America. Bonni shares her unique childhood stories, including the dynamics between her parents, her early schooling, and the influence of her aunts who instilled in her a strong work ethic and vulnerability.
As Bonni transitioned to America, she faced the challenge of meeting high expectations set by her family. Listen in as she opens up about navigating her social and academic life, and her struggle for perfection.
Throughout this heartfelt conversation, we delve deeper into Bonni's journey towards self-discovery and growth – from overcoming the people-pleasing syndrome to breaking free from societal expectations. You don't want to miss this inspiring and relatable episode. We invite you to share your thoughts in the comments section or on our Instagram page, and join us in celebrating Bonni's incredible story.
Visit our IG page at https://www.instagram.com/dc_overcoffee/ to join the conversation!
As-salamu alaikum, welcome to difficult conversations where we tackle taboo topics in a safe space through empowerment and education.
Speaker 2:As-salamu alaikum, welcome back ladies, welcome to difficult conversation On today's episode. we're going to talk about a little bit about one of our co-hosts. It's kind of a little bit of getting to know her, and so we're gonna, you know, start with that And I'm really excited for this one because I feel like I don't know.
Speaker 1:I feel like Bonnie's so different from me. Even like having all these conversations, I always want to understand how did she get to a certain point, or whatever. So I'm really excited to see learn more about her and what brought her to this point in this project.
Speaker 2:Okay, well, i mean I want to start from the beginning, like tell us beginning of time. And tell us a little bit about your childhood Life in Adiz and, you know, moving to America. Just tell us a little bit about your journey on that.
Speaker 3:Yeah, i mean, my childhood, for the first 10 years of my life, was bliss. I grew up in Adiz with my parents, with my uncles, my great aunt, and I was the only child, not just to my family, but I was the only child in my entire extended family, because everybody was like older. So I was spoiled, rotten. I was everybody's piggyback, like everybody would just grab me and take me somewhere and buy me things. I always had latest something, but oxymoronically, i grew up in a very poor town, so I was the rich kid in the poor town. I went to school with rich people. So I went to school with kids that were children of ambassadors and CEOs and stuff, because my parents really, really believed in education and like making sure that they invested in my education. And I was a scholarship kid too, because you had to get tested to be able to get accepted there.
Speaker 3:So, starting first grade I went to the school where everybody had the latest of latest And I thought I had the latest thing, but that was like five years ago for them, right, and they had like chauffeurs and like they had maids and all these things. You know, like there are cooks and all the stuff And I was just yep me and my parents walked here into public transportation. I loved my neighborhood more than I loved being in the schools, and I also was very aware at a very young age that my parents were doing absolutely everything they knew how to do And they could do to give me everything that I wanted to the best of their ability. So I never felt I was lacking something. I always just felt like I was living in two different worlds.
Speaker 2:What was your parents like? I really wanted to know a little bit about that too.
Speaker 3:My mom was a diplomat not professionally, but her personality was a diplomat. She got along with everybody. She was very serious. But in my neighborhood they would say if Sami had something to say about me, she would say it to me. She would never talk behind anybody's back. She didn't talk very much. She was very wise with her words. She had a couple of friends. She wasn't a big friend group person But she could get along with anybody. She would sit with people that she didn't agree with and she would disagree with such out ligands.
Speaker 1:After your sister, did the dynamics change? or how was that after your parents had your sister?
Speaker 3:I don't think anything changed. There was a five-year gap between me and my little sister, so the attention that I was getting was different than the attention she needed And I didn't want the attention that she was getting if that makes sense Because I was trying to be like an older child and she was a baby, so I was like let them baby her. Yeah, and my dad was a very shy dude. He was an introvert. He didn't want to be in a room with a lot of people he didn't know. He didn't talk very much, he was very quiet. You would say like this guy is red and he'd be like yep, he's not going to challenge that. He's not going to challenge that.
Speaker 1:What was your best memory? A memory from your childhood that is so vivid that you think about and smile, just smile, yeah.
Speaker 3:I would ask my mom something and she would say ask your dad. And then I would ask my dad something and he would say ask your mom. And I remember the scene like super clearly. And so we lived in a two bedroom house. I was in my parents bedroom and I don't know if I was asking for money or something like that, and I remember my mom was on her knees and her wardrobe, going through clothes like that she folded. And then I ask her like hey, can you please blah, blah, blah, blah. And then I remember her pointing to him and be like ask him. And then I'd go to him and then he would be like literally they're in the same room And he'd be like ask her instead of me.
Speaker 3:One time when my mom went out of the city for work, my dad had to take care of me, and this was before my sister was born And because she wasn't around, he was less strict than when she was around, so he would like spoil me with things. And one time I think I pushed it a little too hard and I was asking him like for something, and he was like no, and I started crying I would never say no to you. No. So he was being super dramatic and I remember the laugh. He laughed so hard in front of his friends He would make fun of me for saying that and I'm like, and he laughed. And then that's exactly what I said I was like and he laughed, and then he laughed and then I said I love you, let me know. She muttered. He laughed. I will never forget that laugh. It was intense.
Speaker 2:Sounds like you know your parents really loved you and you also had that experience of the five years of being the only child. So I'm going to bring back to psychology where, like a child who has fully that five years with their parent and then the second sibling comes, it kind of feels like you being the only child And then the second siblings when they come in and they also have that love and attention where it's not taking away from the older siblings And so, which is kind of I think your parents did an amazing job by like, ok, i'm going to have one, give her attention, put all the love and attention for her and then have your sister. So tell us how many siblings?
Speaker 3:do you have? I have three, and we're all five year support.
Speaker 2:Wow.
Speaker 3:Yeah, i mean I didn't really have a lot of experience with my third sister, my younger sister, because we left the country and we left her behind right after she was born. But me and my sister I remember very clearly not that responsibility was put on me, but like apparent If that makes sense.
Speaker 3:Like I remember this need to protect her and this need to. I will kill someone for you. Even on this day, i feel like before I had kids. I don't mind someone doing something to me, like I didn't take it. I'll like roll off my shoulder but you touch her, you're dead, you're done. But then it's also funny because I'm probably the only person that rips her to shreds.
Speaker 2:You're very protective.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, your love is very protective. How would you describe you guys personality? as siblings, opposites?
Speaker 3:Yeah, I have the typical older sisters of personality, but I'm very goal oriented. I'm very what would people say kind of person. I'm very ambitious. I get bothered by the assumption of a bad reputation on me or I'm very calculated in my decisions.
Speaker 3:I always think about the family image and the family reputation and she's very free spirit and I love that. I used to not to, but now I do and I respected very much. She's a free spirit and also very mature. She was so much more mature than I thought she was, because her maturity is a healthy maturity, versus mine at that age, which was I was living to please and she's living to live Exactly.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and being the older sibling, you were almost forced into that role.
Speaker 3:Yeah, So for me. I lost my dad when I was 10 and then I lost my mom before turning 11 in six months period. I had that legacy mentality. I was like I'm never going to let anyone say anything about the way they raised us Right, Right In a negative manner, so much in the forefront of the way I moved that it's not even like another older child syndrome. It's that on steroids.
Speaker 2:I mean, it sounds like you're very protective of your family. You're parents legacy number one, protective of your sisters, and I think it shows that ideally what it means to be an older siblings, because, without you thinking about it, that rose already been in place for you and the love is just pure, like you don't have to think about it. It is not calculating, it's like that's my sister and this is my parents, and I had really an amazing experience with them and this is what I'm going to be and show them, and I think that is something powerful that a lot of people who had great parents and implement really healthy emotional health for them do. So I do want to ask you your relationship with your sister today, at this stage.
Speaker 3:It's so much better now because I'm not trying to run her life. We're really close. She's one of my best friends, but the kind of best friend that I tell them how to live their life.
Speaker 3:And she will take it when she wants to and she leave it when she needs to, and I think she's probably the one of the very few people that experiences me exactly the way I feel and I am in the moment, versus calculated, like, for example, when I am angry, normally I have to step away from people and rationalize my anger and come back and like, discuss my anger and express my anger or whatever the case is with her.
Speaker 1:She gets it right away, unprocessed, unfiltered real And, being your sister, I feel like she's able to hold that space for you without you thinking. like you know, she's going to hold it against you or use it as ammunition.
Speaker 3:Before my kids. I feel like she's the only remaining unconditional love in my life. So because we knew that about each other, we kind of were. We used that to the best life I can, yeah, often.
Speaker 2:No. So what was it like moving here? then? Tell us a little bit about that, when you had the transition of getting adjusted to America and leaving Ethiopia and coming here, and how was that for you And how?
Speaker 3:old are you? I landed here and had my 12th birthday here. It was intense because I had this reputation of people thinking I was I don't know why, but I was some sort of a genius which I wasn't. I didn't. I've never felt that way, which also fed into my imposter syndrome. Because a lot of people in my neighborhood used to be like, oh, bonnie's such, so smart, or Bonnie sells this and Bonnie's so that Bonnie's going to be something great someday. And there were kids in my neighborhood that had better grades than me and I would go home and I'll tell my mom like I don't know why they're saying these things, like I don't have good grades and they know that that I never lied and said I had better grades than so and so. But it was like the whole neighborhood.
Speaker 3:And my mom didn't understand it either because she was like what are they talking about?
Speaker 1:She was like you're smart Because my husband will tell me this about his experiences back home or whatever. And now, looking back, do you look back and be like, okay, maybe they met. This person is going places, you're not going to be stuck here, you're going to be achieving great things or whatever.
Speaker 3:I honestly don't know, because it's almost felt supernatural to me. I'm not going to lie And I did research on that. Most people that experienced this like where either their parents boost their ego too much, they tell them they're great so much they end up not being as great as like the average Joe because they're consistently not satisfied with whatever they have. They stop before they finish something because they're afraid of finishing something and being mediocre because they've been told that they're going to be great for so long which happened to me for a very long time Purposely going to be self-sabotaging Self-sabotaging because you're so scared of failing that thing that was put on you. So I say that, to say that when I came here, my aunt also were sipping that Kool-Aid of me being this like whatever person that people told them I was going to be And then reality check, i was nowhere near that person, right? I don't even want to say that I think I was smart. I am smart, but it was unrealistic expectation that was put by other people on me I could never achieve.
Speaker 2:When you came here and there's an expectation for you to be a certain way as far as academic performance is, And so all of a sudden that you also had a different expectation for your software. you kind of have to perform for them because they made an expectation for you. How did you navigate that?
Speaker 3:I performed. I was a dancing monkey. Most of my life And, metaphorically, all my life or everything that I did, was a performance. It was about getting the best grades that I know how to get and competing and being in things and being in front of any accomplishment that any institution was going to give. So that I feed that narrative that Bonnie is something.
Speaker 1:Are you still striving for perfection?
Speaker 3:Not as much. I'm learning not to. I think that's a lie correction. I am trying to prioritize and perfect the things that are important to me versus the things that I thought were important, if that makes sense, i do strive for perfection and I am very hard on myself and like being a good mom and like being a good wife and being a good student better, whatever, but I'm not trying to save the world, so you're constantly evolving as a person.
Speaker 2:So let's go back to starting school here, coming to America What was the first day of school? and then making friends, because you came from Ethiopia, which is academically kind of similar.
Speaker 1:It's not more rigorous.
Speaker 2:How do you adjust socially? How do you adjust academically? How did you find your spot for yourself? This is where I'm fitting. well, this is what I can do.
Speaker 3:Coming here and going to school here fifth grade and beyond for the first couple of years of my life was epic because it was easier than back home. Fifth grade was so much easier here than back home. I was breaking boundaries and barriers. The first day of school I took MCA and I was above average, like I was in the you know whatever, and my teachers expected me to not speak any English and I don't know. they were just very tense, right. They were like, oh my God, we have to teach this girl ABCDs and whatever. And I spoke English. I mean, i had it properly Because you're a city girl?
Speaker 3:Yeah, I was a city girl and, like I said, i went to school that my parents invested so much money in that. The primary language in that school was English, right, and I watched a lot of movies and I was thinking in English back home, right, so coming here and speaking English was no big deal and I was interpreting English for my uncles in Kenya.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 3:So it was not that big of a deal for me, which is why, like I made my teachers cry Parent-teacher conference. Yeah, they were like we thought that you, you know, we thought so many bad things and we had such low expectations for her. They were like crying. They actually said that. Yeah, they were literally crying in front of the kohanami. They were like good job, you made the white people cry.
Speaker 2:It's probably that's why they have that Kool-Aid drink, because everybody's telling them exactly which you are actually. I mean, i'm saying this as someone who personally knows you. You are all the things that people are saying. You're very intelligent, you're very determined, you're very, like, gollentated. Whether you believe it or not is true, just a matter of when you realizing it. You catch up with us, because we already see it.
Speaker 3:So I'm trying to catch up to that thing. I'm not, but I think it also. It's the bar, right? Yeah, the bar that set for me and I was in a pressure cooker all my life, like in that school. Back home, when I was going to school, they had tutors, the students had tutors. The teachers that were teaching the material would go to the students' houses and teach them there. You know what I mean? Yeah, and I didn't know that. So whenever I would go to that school, i was competing with the resources that I didn't have. I had to push myself and I was also harder on myself because they were still beating me and I thought I was in a smart system, which also feeds into that narrative of, like people think I am this, but I'm not this because other people are beating me.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 3:But then these people had resources.
Speaker 1:Yeah, isn't it interesting how, like that's so similar to people here in the States who are of a higher socioeconomic background, they have the tutors, they have all of these things, versus a kid who that's, their only resource they have is the school.
Speaker 3:The school and you're expected to compete.
Speaker 1:I did not realize that from back home versus here, you know.
Speaker 2:Tell us socially, how was life in America for you in the first like five years when you just moved here?
Speaker 3:First two years was I was very quiet. I was living to be invisible. Okay, again, socially, academically, i'm here to compete, i'm here to feed that. But I was very quiet. I had only two friends, destiny and Sarah. Seventh grade, where was this? Was it in the cities? Yeah, i grew up in Good Rapids and seventh grade I was starting to come into and find my voice a little bit. I had a teacher. Her name is Miss Zimba and I will never forget her because she's the one that taught me about my writing skills And she's the one that introduced me to poetry or not introduced me, but convinced me that my writing was good. There was a unit on poetry and I submitted a piece and she said did you write this or did you get it? And I said I wrote it And she's like okay, do you have other pieces? And I said yeah, can I see them? I said yeah, sure, and I gave her like 10 pieces and she published all 10 of them on the school's Kaleidoscope, which is like the school's newspaper.
Speaker 3:She didn't know when has done that before where all 10 of their pieces was published at the same time. So it was like really epic, and she was very hard on me, not like mean hard, but she was just yeah, this could get better, you could write this better.
Speaker 2:She gave you really nice constructive criticism which is guiding you a little bit.
Speaker 3:Also she fed my beast of like wanting to please. Oh, she thinks I could write better, so I must write better. And then she also introduced me to activism. It was my first organizational activism that I was a part of. She was working with Free, the Children Organization in Canada By that time. She had different classes built like water whales and like clinics and stuff like that in a different countries and third world countries. And she introduced me to the idea of child labor that I've never heard of before And that was something that I didn't know, that I had in me that that activists fire.
Speaker 2:So what is your best pastime and why, and within those period of like when you're in school, what would you say?
Speaker 3:you're a favorite time Watching.
Speaker 2:Charm.
Speaker 3:I watched a lot of Charmed and I watched a lot of Bollywood. Okay, that's basically all I did. I did art and cleaning.
Speaker 2:You say you started to like poetry and writing. But what was your other favorite subject? Because at one point you were interested in law. So how would that like?
Speaker 3:Yeah, I loved social studies. I loved history. I loved debate class. I took a debate and I was part of the big team in my high school. I loved stories, social studies That's in history. That's why I love them is because it's stories being told. So yeah, and I liked English because I could write stories. So I think my whole likes and dislikes comes from stories. I hated science Well, not I hated math, i just like science.
Speaker 1:Mask and be hard. Very few people, i feel like, like math and science.
Speaker 2:So how would you describe yourself Like? are you an introvert? Are you an introvert? Are you extrovert?
Speaker 3:Somewhere in the middle I just found out what that emperorvert is in the middle, yeah. And I think I am an emperorvert. I think I have. What is it An emperorvert? I think that's how it's said.
Speaker 2:It's a combination of extrovert and introvert. There's a name for it.
Speaker 3:I wrote a whole poem about that because I didn't know that there was a word about it, and it basically talks about like I'm an introvert with expert tendencies Because I have formal, you know, like wanting to go places and do things and be part of like parties, and then I get there and like shit, this is not for me, sorry. Yeah, i might go home. I want to mind the volume and shout out to people. What would you say is your biggest passion? My biggest passion is being a fuse.
Speaker 3:I think I love helping people. It's that thing that brings me joy And I feel like that's also my purpose in life is to be a fuse, in whatever form. I feel the freest when it's not about me and I'm genuinely there for something bigger than me. If that means like spending time with my kids and I'm just literally cultivating that life and that joy and that I don't know their path for them, or I'm being there for my husband and making his life a little bit easier. If that means I'm being there for my friends and just being an ear and a volt because I forget.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:And being there for the people that I have to fight for with my work. I just love that.
Speaker 2:So what is something that people misunderstand about you? Something.
Speaker 3:One thing Me, this one. For a very long time I think there was a narrative about me that was so far removed from exactly who I was and it was very frustrating, and that was that I was prude. Like I'm prude Because I'm very shy around people that I don't know. I don't approach people because I'm shy, i'm really really shy, until you talk to me And then my personality is bubbly and in your face. But then if you don't approach, you won't know Right, and I have a certified resting bee face. So people think I'm rude and I'm used to think I should say I'm prude and full of myself and all that stuff. And I've had people you know. Before I talked to you I thought you were ex.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah I get that a lot. Do you think people make a misconception about who you are based on What they see you on social media and not actually interpersonal getting to know you?
Speaker 3:Yeah, I think for a very long time people thought I was an airhead because I was so bubbly and just like my social media persona was very bubbly and happy and singing and juking and you know, just like all that stuff. I had a person tell me that they were surprised by my word choice Interesting, say more. I was talking and I was talking the way I talk and.
Speaker 3:I wasn't trying to. I don't know. I don't think my vernacular is any greater than anybody else's, but I think that also shows you like the bar that they had for me, right, And it was a doot too.
Speaker 1:Because they already built up a persona of you.
Speaker 3:Yeah, and I think he was like trying to scoop me or something, trying to hollow or something out, and he was like, yeah, i mean, i didn't think you'd be into this stuff. I don't know even the way you talk. It's like different, what's different? Did you want me to, like, give a lecture?
Speaker 1:on Instagram. Is that what you wanted to do? Is that what I have to do? to like I have brain cells that are working out? What would you say a character trait that you most respect in other people is?
Speaker 3:I say this because I haven't achieved it yet That's being centered, finding your ground and being centered and being confident in exactly who you are, the way you are when you are that thing. I'm not that person, yet I'm consistently trying to. I have, like the people pleasing syndrome. where I have to, I want everybody around me to be happy and I want people to like me and I respect people that are not rude in a rude way, that are like but they don't just give up.
Speaker 3:I respect people that are just willing to be 100% themselves, regardless of the situation.
Speaker 2:I mean, you can say that you're on a journey of finding yourself in the most authentic self that you like, so you don't have to be masking yourself for anyone. But I would say that is life progress that we do every day, every year. We work on something. But I do like what you just said about how you want to be intentional, how you move around in life and being able to kind of tap into yourself, saying this is who I want to be and I want to walk through life in this way. So my question is now, because of the stories that you have told, what was college like for you?
Speaker 3:Horrible. The first year of college was horrible for me and this might be TMI, but I don't know The first year of college, maybe even the second year of college, i had people in my ear that were telling me that I couldn't make it. I had a person in my life I've said in the previous episodes that on the day of my graduation, told me that I was going to drop out of college the first semester and end up flipping burgers at McDonald's.
Speaker 2:I thought that interesting. I want you to go in depth to that because earlier you were saying how there is. this expectation was created for you in life that how are you going to be this incredible, successful person and that's what the society externally telling you What happened in between. Yeah, what happened in between for that?
Speaker 3:individual to say that, because the only way that I could explain it is this right, for some reason, before you meet person A, person B has been telling you for years, or like a bunch of people have been telling you, that person A is a genius and person A is going to save the world and person A is going to be doing this and doing that. And then you meet person A and they're just a regular Joe. They might be maybe a little above average, they might be an A minus B student, but they're not extraordinary. I'm person A, right, and there's nowhere but to go to fall down from that expectation, that high pedestal that people put you on. So I was consistently for years falling down from that pedestal in the people around me's eyes. Right, i was not a genius, so I'm just consistently disappointing. And when I say disappointing, put that in quotes. Right, because I was, you were doing fine. Yeah, i was an A-B student.
Speaker 3:I had not a single scandal on me. My social activities, like I explained, from elementary school to high school, was either going to the movies or watching a movie at home and cleaning my house, and those are my activities And I didn't hang out with people like the people that I hung out with. I had to make confirmations two weeks ahead of time. Their family had to be vetted and they had to come and introduce. Like it was a whole ordeal. So it wasn't me, it was the pedestal that others put me in. It was basically like perform, do something, be excited, be something bigger.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:You're not, oh wow, shit. And then also I have to be honest, which is when you're doing your absolute best and you consistently feel like you're failing, you at some point say fuck it. I'm just gonna fail, then why try? That's true, and junior year, senior year and freshman year of college that was what it was for me. I did care. I just stopped trying. I stopped trying to please people. I stopped trying. If I'm doing my best, i'm killing myself to show y'all I'm worthy. I'm gonna feed that narrative that I'm not Especially.
Speaker 1:I feel like the fact that at 12 you came here and then, just less than two, three years ago, you lost your parents And haven't even processed that too.
Speaker 3:Yeah, that's also the thing. But I think that person a lot, i think that person in my head a lot that said you're not going to be anything, you're gonna find out flipping burgers at McDonald's because if they didn't say that, i would still be in. I don't give a f*** mentality Because that voice still lives within me and I will be. I don't know, i never believed that idea of I would be something great, but that person put that in me. I'm like I'm gonna be something great and you're gonna see it. You're gonna see me doing amazing things and killing it And I don't know if that's healthy. And I think that competitive side of me got kicked into. Like later on, i guess For the first. Like I said, for the first three years I was feeling really bad for myself. I was like what is this? And I was so sad with the aujing a lot, i was heartbroken, i had my first heartbreak And then Within the same time period.
Speaker 3:Within that same time period, i had my first heartbreak, my first, only heartbreak, and I also say Alhamdulillah for that, because that whole experience showed me why I wasn't ready for that kind of entanglement.
Speaker 2:What did you learn about Yusafi within that window of both grieving the last of that relationship, however it is, and also hearing that somebody's telling you you're gonna be nothing?
Speaker 3:I believed them first And then I sabotaged my first semester, second semester of school. I was suicidal. I was depressed. My best friend, i haven't used to call those days my shower days, because I would be in the shower screaming and crying.
Speaker 2:I'm in the shower because the water's running and people can't hear me, so I was kind of just like You didn't have a safe space in the environment because of There's so many things are happening at the same time within that window of that three years of the first year of college. Would you say that that's when you first noticed, like you know, what. Enough is enough? Yeah, enough is enough. I'm gonna figure it out. Yusuf mentioned something about experiencing depression at that moment. Is that your first exposure to therapy?
Speaker 3:My first exposure to therapy was first sophomore year, so I was modeling with hijab on. The stylist would be frustrated because they would be like, oh, we can't dress you the way we want to dress you. So they're like, okay, we found you clothes that cover you, but then you're now complaining about the fact that it's too tight. And then, at the same time, i wasn't praying consistently. So I was feeling like I'm being a fraud by wearing hijab. Being a fraud by wearing hijab because I'm supposed to be like. I put hijab as like And it should be in a pedestal, but I put it in a pedestal where, okay, you are supposed to be an ambassador of your faith when you're wearing hijab And you can't half-ass it. So, like, when you're wearing hijab, you're supposed to be practicing the best way, you know how to. You're supposed to be in places that people should have been confused why you're there. That was the way I was navigating And I wasn't practicing as much, and I remember even telling at lunch do you remember when we were having fully steak?
Speaker 3:I was like I don't feel like wearing hijab anymore because I feel like I'm a fraud. Anyway, so I saw a freshman year of college. I took my hijab off and I started modeling more, and then I still didn't. I was depressed and the funny thing is, when I wore a hijab, everybody was like wow, good job, wow, you're so much alive. And then, when I took it off, everybody's like oh, now you're. Now you're a slut, now you're like whatever.
Speaker 3:All these negative things, even though all I did was take the hijab off. The rest of my entire state the same, if that makes sense. And then that kind of fed into that narrative, too, of my mental health declining because people pleaser and people were telling me that I was not good enough. Good enough And I was something that I wasn't, and there was this narrative about me out that I was just not good enough. Right, so I wasn't pleasing anybody.
Speaker 3:The sophomore year, first semester, one of my good friends died in a car accident. That was a big, big life-changing moment for me because I was contemplating killing myself every day And he was someone that had a very bright future and he was happy and go lucky and all that stuff And his life was just taken. So that kind of put a perspective shift And I don't want to use a month's death as like that's not that, but it was just The moment your life actually changed. Yeah, it was like you have to get a grip. And then that's also when my gasoline kicked in of like, all right, watch what I can do.
Speaker 1:You thought I wasn't going to graduate.
Speaker 3:You thought I wasn't going to drop out. Watch what I can do. I'm so glad you talked about suicidal ideation.
Speaker 2:Muslim in America are the highest people, compared to any other religious belief system, that are experiencing more suicide attempt suicide ideation. So the fact of the matter is that you don't know what somebody's going through, but you're able to make a comment and then people will be shaming one another for religiosity, because it's not just a religion. The person is inside, suffering with other things, and people think religion is what fix it, all It can But at the same time there's other things that's coming. Just be mindful and being compassionate to a human being. I think that's what some of the things that I really appreciate you sharing about that, because it's very downgraded. People don't do it and people don't talk about it. People don't do that, and I'm noticing as someone who works in the field. It's serious, it's heavy, but that's what's happening. And what do you want to do? You want to deal with the reality or you just want to ignore it?
Speaker 3:People, especially in our Oremou community. we don't talk about that. We don't talk about it at all. I had a person in my life, someone close in my life, tell me you know, vani, i don't have the same dreams that you do like, where you take negative situations and then flip it. I'm not like driven when something is hard and school doesn't come easy for me And I really had to like look into myself and I said what am I projecting for her to get that from me? I projected something that communicated to her that school is easy for me. I projected something to her that I have such an awesome control of my cognitive reframing that I can flip a negative situation into a positive situation. If that is, whatever unconsciously communicating is a lie, and I think people don't do that.
Speaker 3:to go back to the initial question where you asked me when did it change for you? It changed for me when I said I don't care what kind of perception is out there about me. The only way that I can fight that is being what I want to be when I am that thing. Every person that came into my circle after that knew exactly who I was, not who I was trying to be, not who I was pretending to be. not, they knew my difficulty. they knew, and I think that's also why sometimes my husband says I overshare, but for me it's cathartic. I'm gonna let you know exactly who I am. You take it or you leave it, that's on you, you know what I mean.
Speaker 2:You like him, this is who I am. This is who I am, and if you like it, you can say it. No, it's okay for you to go, it's okay for you to go?
Speaker 1:Yeah, absolutely. So to transition a little bit now that you've mentioned your husband how did you two meet?
Speaker 2:Yes, tell a story about that.
Speaker 3:Oh, the Jave knows this is a complicated story, but I'll tell myself.
Speaker 2:I would love him to come on this path and tell his side one day.
Speaker 3:It's funny too. Everything has a design. I believe that because I can literally pinpoint to that specific day when my life changed. He saw me that time when I was depressed and sad, but he saw me with blonde hair and my outer expression of myself was this very hot, very sexy chick. That was what I was projecting. Anyone that knew me at that time, that followed me on Instagram, on social media, they would be like wow, bonnie's so bubbly and Bonnie's so carefree and free spirit. Because I was singing songs and dancing on social media And I was rocking a different wig every week and it was fun to pretend to be that person.
Speaker 3:Apparently, he was standing next to one of my friends and I went and I said hi to him and I moved on. A year later we met. He came to my poetry show and I went up to him and I asked him if a friend that we share was coming And he said no, i don't know, and so on and so forth. I said okay, thank you very much, and I was like I didn't like the way that he just answered my question and just like no interest whatsoever. I was like who does he think he is? I heard reputations about him how serious he was and like our friend circle bled into each other. Everyone that I knew respected him very much, so like he's so serious and he's so religious and he's so this and he's so that I was scared of him. I didn't want anything to do with him and he had like this very serious face and I was like, okay, bye. And the beard And the beard yeah, he did kind of project that you know, religiousness saying all.
Speaker 3:Yeah, he just, he just was like he didn't want nobody to talk to him, he just was there to with his friends. I was just like, all right, i wasn't trying to holla, i was just asking if our friend was here, like calm down, brother. So it's funny how he saw me then. And then he saw me and like when I was getting better, if that makes sense I mean he didn't know I was getting better. I was getting better, i was doing things that I loved.
Speaker 3:I had taken a summer off from everybody that I knew, i was working and going to school during the summer to get my GPA back up, i was making a lot of money and I was writing poetry and I was performing and I was kind of like living that Eat, pray, love, but in Minneapolis moment. So it's kind of like in the soul searching moment. The second time when we had that interaction, i don't know who somebody followed somebody on social media Okay, i don't know if he followed me, i don't know if I followed it. And then he was watching this movie called Queen of Capoeira, kind of cut something, and I was like I just saw that movie, i just missed. I just saw that movie And then it just kept going from there, and so technically you direct the, you DM him Whoever followed.
Speaker 2:But you started then the show conversation. I did Shoot your shot girl.
Speaker 3:I wasn't shooting. I really wasn't shooting. my shot It's okay. It's okay.
Speaker 2:I love that you're inspiring the rest of the audience Like who are afraid to do. please shoot your shot if you find somebody that's interesting.
Speaker 3:You know, first of all, i'm not afraid to shoot my shot. If I liked you, i would. I don't let things go. I'm like that with friends too. I would go to people and be like I would really love to have you as my friend. Yeah, you do. We became really, really good friends And I would always tell him Hey, are we friends? And he'd say, no, we're not friends, we're just neighbors. And I'm like I didn't understand why he would keep saying that. But later on he was like Yo, i was talking to you trying to see who you are, and I didn't want to be your friend because I didn't want to get friends owned.
Speaker 3:I wanted him to be my friend because I wanted that religious, because, like I said, i was going in this journey. I had like really good, healthy group of friends. I was doing something that I loved. I had something. I found something that I was passionate about and I was doing poetry a lot. So the one thing in my life that I wasn't strong and at that time was my Dean, and I wanted that in my life. So I wanted to be close to this person and be friends with this person that is talked about in my circle as being someone that's religious. So I wanted to be friends with him. And that's not odd like for me to be friends with guys, because I grew up and at least we have guy friends. You know what I mean. So that's why I wanted to be his friend. My intention was like I wanted learn more from him, but Allah had a different plan.
Speaker 2:Allah had a different plan.
Speaker 1:And the rest of the history is the same.
Speaker 2:That's great. So you guys got married recently. I mean five years, four or five years. Yeah, five years right, and you guys have two beautiful kids Mashallah, that's awesome. So I wanted to ask you a question Tell me about the most influential people in your life.
Speaker 3:Wow, the most influential people in my life. I have to think about that. Well, i think I'm really influenced by my aunts. Not only she came to this country by herself, didn't know a soul, and basically made it from the gutters, from the bottom, and made herself into this epic, strong, powerful women that she is. She's like example of what hard work, hard work, ethic, strength can get you. Yeah, so that's very inspirational to me.
Speaker 3:And then also my other aunt, lucy. She's very, very sensitive and caring. She's one of those people that can relate to people and she sees a person on the road crying, she'll sit next to them and cry. She's a walking, talking heartbeat. That's very inspirational to be able to be strong and still be vulnerable like that. And obviously their husbands are also. They showed me by example what it's like to be able to be a man living in the orbit of strong women, because that means you have to be secure in who you are to be able to handle someone that's independent and that strong and that much of a force and what to look for. And then my uncle Mosey. He lost his parents when he was young too, and he is the epitome of working hard, learning techniques, making something of yourself from nothing. He learned how to fix cars when he was like 10. And he's also the most giving person, generous person I know till this day.
Speaker 3:If he sees someone on the road, he will like stop and give them money and just keep on pushing. He will invite people to his house that if it's cold and they're you know like, hey comes, not now because he's married, but like when he was single like come stay, take a shower, go Like he's very much that person. So I feel like I learned a lot from that circle that I have of being a force, being strong, being vulnerable, being giving, being grateful. I think they showed me by example.
Speaker 2:But we're gonna have to turn gears a little bit and just kind of maybe do a light questions about you. I mean, I know this is a big shift, but what's your favorite movie?
Speaker 3:Or I could have guessed my name Any, or?
Speaker 2:anything.
Speaker 3:But can I say something on that? My love for Shah Rukh Khan kind of screwed me over under my romantic department And I suggest people that what you're married, so I don't know if it did. No, i did because I had to. Well, i love Shah Rukh Khan still, but I just feel like you have to be very cautious what you see and what you absorb And like how much you're absorbing with caution.
Speaker 2:Not overly romanticizing.
Speaker 1:So did you feel like after you got married you had to unlearn a little bit of that expectations?
Speaker 3:and stuff like that I unlearned before I got married. So, Alhamdulillah, most of the time, the bad things that have happened in my life, most of the bad experiences that have happened in my life, they required me to pause, reevaluate that situation, figure out what I did, what was my contribution to that situation and what contribution of the world right. So I was able to. When I figured out and zoned in into what was wrong with the moves that I made, I was correcting those moves as I went. So I say that to say when I said I was it screwed me over, When I felt screwed over, I paused And I was like, okay, how did I get screwed over? This is why. This is because you are thinking like this and you're acting like this and you're, you know, moving like this.
Speaker 3:Now switch. What do you need?
Speaker 1:to do differently.
Speaker 3:I guess there's still some parts of me that's like a little bit still conditioned to romanticize a little things. But that's good.
Speaker 2:I mean that's a good way to do so You like kind of have self-evaluating on what you have learned and what are some things that you would do differently and kind of improving that. I think that's always a good way to go when it comes to relationship.
Speaker 1:I'd like to go back to a deeper question. If you could go back and talk to your young self, what is one thing that you would advise? advise yourself.
Speaker 3:Listen to your dreams, listen and trust yourself. You are not what people say you are. I know you said one thing. No, it's okay. Be grateful for everything that has been given to you and be stay present and learn. You know, since you asked that question what do you like about yourself? Shit, my therapist just asked me to write that down. What are some things about?
Speaker 2:your sad that you're very proud of.
Speaker 3:I like the fact that I'm more real now than I've ever been in my life. I like the fact that I'm a fighter. I like the fact that I have heart, and I used to hate that a lot about myself because I used to love heart, love my friends hard, love my family hard and forgive easily and forget. Forgive and forget. You would be like stabbing me and I'd be like okay, a week later I forget that you did that. But now I know that that's my superpower, the fact that I don't let negative things that have happened or people that have done I don't let that hold me. So I love that about myself. I love the fact that and I love the fact that you'd never have to guess who you are to me. If I love you, you know, and if I hate your guts, you know. That's really nice.
Speaker 3:That is nice You're like. Oh, okay, now she likes me. No mental aerobics. And what I'm proud about is I'm proud that I am learning to be present. I'm a student. I'm proud that I'm a student of people. I learned from every situation that I walk into, every single person that I meet. I have no ego. I like being the small fish in a big fish container. I'm a learner and a student. I like the fact that I'm an amazing mom, and I feel so confident to say that now, because I used to always doubt that, like, am I doing right? Well, i mean.
Speaker 2:I want to leave it on that, because those are very wholesome and heartwarming and being and leaving without compliment that you have given yourself And I think it's beautiful And I think I want our audience to also kind of introspectively, kind of evaluate themselves What do I like about myself?
Speaker 3:What are?
Speaker 2:something that I'm proud about myself, and things like that, based on this incredible story that we are able to listen to today.
Speaker 1:Yeah, thank you so much for sharing And I feel like it puts it in perspective and gives our listeners and ourselves who is Bonnie and who is the person where the opinions come from, and everything like that. So thank you for sharing.
Speaker 3:Oh, I'm like, Oh shit, I might have shared too much, It's okay.
Speaker 1:All right with that. Assalamu alaikum, join the conversation in the comments section or on our Instagram page to share with us what you think. We do not have all the answers And our biggest goal is to kick off and get the conversation going. May Allah SWT accept our efforts and use us as catalysts for change.