You've heard the saying 'love knows no boundaries,' but what happens when love crosses cultural lines? Discover the fascinating journey of our multilingual guest, who not only works as a senior constituent advocate in US Senator Amy Klobuchar's office but also navigates a vibrant marriage. From his early days of marriage, through the maze of family expectations, to the joys of building a shared life, he will take you through a captivating story of love, commitment, and understanding.
Immerse yourself in the world of culturally diverse relationships and marriages. Our conversation unravels the knots of cultural misconceptions, the struggles of balancing different expectations, and the strength that lies within these challenges.
The final part of our conversation offers a deep dive into the crucial aspects of trust and communication in maintaining a healthy relationship. Our guest challenges the myth that marriage equals loss of freedom, particularly for men. He also emphasizes the influence of family and friends on the dynamics of a relationship. Tune in as we unlock the secrets to a happy, healthy marriage, prioritizing your relationship, and building a solid foundation of trust and respect.
Visit our IG page at https://www.instagram.com/dc_overcoffee/ to join the conversation!
You've heard the saying 'love knows no boundaries,' but what happens when love crosses cultural lines? Discover the fascinating journey of our multilingual guest, who not only works as a senior constituent advocate in US Senator Amy Klobuchar's office but also navigates a vibrant marriage. From his early days of marriage, through the maze of family expectations, to the joys of building a shared life, he will take you through a captivating story of love, commitment, and understanding.
Immerse yourself in the world of culturally diverse relationships and marriages. Our conversation unravels the knots of cultural misconceptions, the struggles of balancing different expectations, and the strength that lies within these challenges.
The final part of our conversation offers a deep dive into the crucial aspects of trust and communication in maintaining a healthy relationship. Our guest challenges the myth that marriage equals loss of freedom, particularly for men. He also emphasizes the influence of family and friends on the dynamics of a relationship. Tune in as we unlock the secrets to a happy, healthy marriage, prioritizing your relationship, and building a solid foundation of trust and respect.
Visit our IG page at https://www.instagram.com/dc_overcoffee/ to join the conversation!
As-salamu alaikum, welcome to Difficult Conversations where we tackle taboo topics in a safe space through empowerment and education.
Speaker 1:As-salamu alaikum, welcome back to Difficult Conversation, and on today's topic, we're going to be focusing on marriage. And today we're going to be talking to a person that we know and he's going to tell us a little bit about his experience. And so, yeah, welcome to Difficult Conversation.
Speaker 3:Thank you so much for having me. It's very great to be here to share my experience about the short time I've been married, but definitely happy to be here. Thank you for having me.
Speaker 1:So let's start with you. Just tell us a little bit about yourself, what do you do, and just let the audience know who you are.
Speaker 3:Absolutely, my name is that. We're also known as government chiefs.
Speaker 1:I don't know what you're doing yeah what do you do for work?
Speaker 3:For work, I work at US Senator Amy Klobuchar's office as a senior constituent advocate, where I handle a lot of portfolios actually, and we're from immigration all the way to prison issues and banking and housing and all of those things. It's a fun job. Yeah, it is, and I'd like the fact that I actually help people. That is what I always wanted to do, and to see our people struggling in a community where there's so many resources out there that you really don't know of and to have that at my fingertip is really an amazing and a blessing, honestly.
Speaker 1:How did you get into the field?
Speaker 3:Into the field. Honestly, I did not study this, I didn't go to school for it, I just landed in my lab. I went to school at the University of Minnesota and studied biology, pre-med, and sociology and philosophy, mined in psychology and statistics. So one day one of these men person that I mentored in the at the University of Minnesota calls me out of nowhere and says hey, do you know somebody who speaks multiple languages and who is interested in politics and case work and immigration? And so the senator's obviously looking for somebody like that to work on their team. And I said I know a lot of people, but let me try for myself.
Speaker 3:It was entry level job. I was making twice the money already. But this is the senator's office and I was like this would be a great opportunity to just get in there, maybe build a resume and have her name on my resume so I can stand out the rest of them. But when I walked into the interview, I've seen the office, what they do, what they offer and everything that they do and immediately I was like I'm going to be myself and let them that I want this job and I told them that they liked me and they offered me the job. We don't have an interpreter on the office and I just use all of the languages that I know. For the broken ones that I can use as much as you just became an asset Exactly.
Speaker 4:Only languages can you speak? Yeah, how many speak a couple?
Speaker 3:I would say six, but since being in the US, it gets fades out If we don't speak that many as often as being one too. So the top ones right now that I can confidently say I'm fluent in is English, obviously, Oromo, hindi, hindi. I basically just taught myself and then from school and friends that I went to school with a little bit of Arabic, some Somali, and so I hear they're all completely going away.
Speaker 4:That is so cool. I have a lot of people and I'm the only person that actually speaks Hindi. I pretend that I do, but I don't You're in this company.
Speaker 2:We always debate.
Speaker 3:A lot of our people would claim that, yes, there was a period of my time where I was just literally immersed in Hollywood. And then I wanted just no friends than Hindi people. I didn't want to date anybody that's not Hindi.
Speaker 1:So, speaking of dating, let's get into our main topic.
Speaker 4:That's a good segue.
Speaker 3:Honestly, I think the idea about marriage is something that's very important to me personally and there's this blanket over marriage in our community and I guess not just our community, but you can say for the rest of the world too A lot of the time we don't speak about it, we don't speak highly of it. We see a lot of broken marriages, a lot of harsh marriages that people endure. All of those things deter people from being married. I consider myself to be married young. My wife is very young, younger than me. So, being married this young and I would like to share my thoughts and what I've experienced so far and what I hope to accomplish in the near future- yeah, I'm really excited about that too.
Speaker 2:Like you said, a lot of people have a very negative view about marriage in general and in just like the wider American community. Is it even worth it? Do you need to get married? So, when you were growing up, what were some marriages that you were exposed to?
Speaker 3:I grew up in a very close-knit family. Before we came to the US, my parents lived with my uncles. We had a home in a big gate. Everybody had their own little homes I'm sure you guys are all familiar with that. So we lived with my uncles three of them and their wives and their children, and then my parents and our kids and my grandma in like one whole date.
Speaker 3:But of course you get exposed to the different kind of marriages in all of that field. You see my parents, which we see every day. They work together, they're busy, they're trying to make something for our life, and then you see our uncles and aunts, who are also living there doing their own for their own kids. But the way they express love and the way they kind of show that they're a community or a family is completely different. Even though we are in the same gate it's very different. Some would fight, some would love each other over abundantly and they criticize for that, and if you are too harsh you just say that's them, so you just leave at it. A lot of the marriages that I've seen growing up have been positive for me, honestly. Of course there have been some terrible ones that I've seen that I was like I don't ever want to get married to be like that, but I was in the back of my hand. I could be different. It's like how you choose and how you go about it.
Speaker 1:From all the marriages that you were exposed to, which one stood out to you the most and you're like I really like their relationship and I think I can keep that as a pocket of like tools for me one day when I do decide to get married.
Speaker 3:Honestly, those are my parents.
Speaker 1:Samor.
Speaker 3:My mom and dad. Their marriage honestly it didn't work out, but it worked out for 42 years of their life. It was a very long marriage. To see the amount of issues that they've experienced personally and then from outside sources, from the community and from their own family, and how much they've endured all the way to come to America and make this kind of life.
Speaker 3:For us it's, in some ways, has been very healthy but, in a lot of ways, as any family would say, honestly it's been very negative, but most of the time, from what I remember from my parents' marriage, honestly it's always been a positive marriage. My mom and dad always try to spend time with all of their kids. They always make time outside of home. They always make a day to literally just sit down and be present.
Speaker 1:Absolutely.
Speaker 3:And that kind of a presence is what kind of shaped what I imagine myself to be when I'm married.
Speaker 1:So you were able to see your parents' relationship dynamic is to be both healthy and very striving and to be able to overcome a lot of like difficult timing.
Speaker 3:Exactly. I've seen them go through a very wealthy life. I've seen them be very poor and I've seen them literally be in a situation where they had nothing. And the way they communicate with each other, a lot of the times without even saying some words, the amount of trouble that they've pulled each other out of even though they weren't in a situation to help anybody else, is just being there for each other.
Speaker 3:That is the one thing that I always see both of them do, and a lot of times when I've seen that outside of my parents, I don't see that some men would just leave their wife and four little things for very small things to see my parents pulled together, even when they don't want to Mostly. I'm sure they would say it was because of our kids or for the sake of our kids, but I really did not believe that it had been growing up. And even after they married and I still don't believe it I think they pulled through because of the love and respect that they had for each other and that's what I think any marriage kind of hopes to be is to go through any kind of struggle.
Speaker 4:That's awesome. And, at the end, for you specifically what motivated you to be married or to get married? Is it just because you saw it working so well for your parents, or no, for the longest time I was scared of marriage.
Speaker 3:I would say I would never get married until I'm 45, because I felt like I'm 45, I'm mature enough and have lived enough life to handle marriage and be responsible for all that comes with it. But what motivated me to even think about marriage is what kind of life I want for myself, my home and what kind of kids I would have. And even in that regard I still don't know. I wish it before 35 or 45 years old, honestly. But the second I saw my wife, everything just changed Literally. In the second I was like no, I don't want to wait anymore, she's the one I want to marry today.
Speaker 4:That's awesome. That kind of actually leads to my second question, which was what made your wife the one from the other people you probably have seen around, or if you have yeah, other people around.
Speaker 3:I've dated before my wife and I think that kind of helped me build the kind of a person I want to be in a relationship and what I expect and for myself and what I expect to give in a relationship. But the second literally when I say the second I saw my wife and knew I wanted to get married to her. I didn't even know what I was feeling. I saw her pull up in front of me and I just froze.
Speaker 3:I literally I didn't know what to do and I just stood there and I stared at this person for the longest time and it wasn't like a creepy scare, it really wasn't. It felt like somebody that you know for a long time, that you shared so much with, and you're just now seeing them and you're shocked that they're there in front of you. And so I stared and I stared and then my other friend told me he patted me on the back and said okay, I'll introduce you, just calm down.
Speaker 3:I didn't even say anything. I was literally just staring. But at the same time I know she had her eyes on me too. She was staring as she's driving past. She parks her car.
Speaker 1:Is it normal kind of stare where, like we just who's that person? But I don't know.
Speaker 3:It was completely different. If I say out of a movie, I'm being too.
Speaker 2:Take an example of which movie you want to go. Nothing, andy, please Nothing.
Speaker 1:Andy we only have a place of reference. Here you go.
Speaker 3:What movie would I say? I think the notebook.
Speaker 1:honestly, the notebook.
Speaker 3:It's there and you feel so lost. But you're there. It was cold. Honestly, I wasn't even wearing a nice jacket, but I felt comfortable. I felt so warm just standing there and the only thing I wanted to do was literally who is this person? What is her name? I just want to know and in my head I was like I don't care if I'm going to date this girl, I don't care if I'm going to do anything with her, Even if she's my friend. I want her in my life.
Speaker 4:Let me. Is that just so sweet. I wish my husband talked about me like this what were you looking for?
Speaker 2:If you were looking specifically for us.
Speaker 3:What I was looking for was somebody that I could work with, somebody who could understand me mentally, somebody who I feel like I could build a life with from zero. It doesn't have to be something that I've already started, but somebody that I could feel like I could share that with them and they can add on to it. And after I met my wife, like I said, I did not want to wait. A week after we met, I saw her and I've seen how dedicated she was to her family. She is the youngest and the only girl in the whole family, but she was like a 20 person. She takes care of all of her mom, all of her siblings, her younger baby brother and, on top of that, her dad back home as well.
Speaker 3:And when I saw that, she reminded me a lot about my mom at a very young age taking over for entire family, being there, putting your entire life on hold, and I said this is not fair. I've seen my mom go through this, I've seen my sisters go through this, and you are in America. You are not supposed to pick up this much for anybody. Everybody can pick up their flag because there's opportunities and resources and so many free help. So I said, ben, we will date, we will talk and we will see where life goes. I just wanted to give her something that she can see is a different life. It's not something that she's used to, just that there's a possibility that you can be happy and still be there for your family, but focus on your own happiness and be there. So when we started dating, a lot of the things that I do most people would consider white activities Just like to do very unnatural, unusual things, go out in nature go hiking.
Speaker 1:That's unnatural To, or more people To or more people.
Speaker 3:To or more people People are living here. It's adventurous. Yes, A lot of the things that I took her on was very new to her and I was like I want to give her this kind of new thing, new experience, a new day of happiness.
Speaker 3:And I was like this really felt like I can bring her on to my life, but she can keep me grounded in our life because she thinks better than I do, she is more or more than I am. I can say for sure and I envisioned a home with her that literally we don't have to struggle to raise a kid.
Speaker 1:I have a question Before meeting her, marrying to a normal girl was that a priority for you? Because you know where we are from. We are very diverse people, we are very open minded and they never said you have to marry a normal girl Because for us, they accept anyone. As long as they are Muslim, they accept anyone. So was that something that you were thinking about? And then you met an normal girl. What was that like?
Speaker 3:I never imagined to date an normal girl. I tried as hard as I could to stay away.
Speaker 4:Why.
Speaker 3:Honestly normal girls towards me.
Speaker 2:Because you are a non-traditional, normal girl.
Speaker 3:Not that I have a lot of normal friends who are girls. I am very close with them, but it just never occurred to me to date an normal girl. Maybe it's the idea that I want to be different, or I want to be not that normal. I want to have a white girlfriend, I want to have a different girlfriend.
Speaker 2:If a good guy is like you, are saying that you are going to hit your sister.
Speaker 1:That's mean.
Speaker 3:But as I went through all of those different stages of dating and aging and everything, I realized that there is really no replacement for the kind of life that I want to build. And if it's not an normal girl, I could not have that with somebody else. I would have to teach somebody a whole different culture, even if they understand me and accept me and love me in all of the ways they can. There would be sometimes when I am sitting around my family, where we are not just in the kitchen. There would be times where I just can't have that secret time Exactly. You really can't do that with somebody who is not from your own culture and background.
Speaker 1:Tell us how the process of getting married was like for you guys.
Speaker 3:It was very easy in a way, but also hard. We've known each other for about three months when we decided to get married. But again, like I said, I knew I wanted to get married to her the first day. I didn't even want to waste that three months talking. I wanted to be married that three months. But obviously, of course you have to go through the natural ways, introduce each other to family and then come to a conclusion about what you want to do. But we always talked, we were very open with each other about what we can do and what we can't do, and what we have and didn't have. Being from the other side and then getting into an artsy side is a completely different marriage and the whole process is different. The whole technique and process is completely different. That was one struggle that we had to hear what her sides want and what my side wants.
Speaker 3:But at the bottom of the list. I always knew I'm like, I want to grow. I don't care.
Speaker 2:I'm sick anymore about that because I feel like that's a deterrent for a lot of people. It's like those cross regional marriages and the fact that it just makes the two couple trying to get married and deter from even the actual marriage because people just like to make it so much more difficult. How did you guys navigate that?
Speaker 3:For the harder side. Honestly, a lot of the times when I talk to my parents or my aunts about marrying an artsy girl, it was never a negative thing. They were always like, oh, she's a keeper. Artsy women know how to keep their home and they know how to keep their man. I'm like, okay, you agree, that's good. And then they're like but they're going to ask you for a lot of money. They're like they're going to sell you their daughter and she's used to it.
Speaker 1:They sell you their daughters.
Speaker 3:They think misconception is a terrible misconception. You don't sell anybody. They're like how human beings are literally living a life. It's not an exchange of anything.
Speaker 4:I think it's not necessarily about selling someone. I think it's more of culturally harder people versus artsy people, that dowry that's expected is different but harder. I think we value gold more and then we know that our Marto and Gemma and that stuff versus with artsy would have noticed is that there's a significance to the money aspect. They need it but there's a significance to it.
Speaker 2:It's a kind of like kabbajata respect thing and you give money to like and all the time gold.
Speaker 4:Yeah, and like you do, blank kids and we do give money, money, money.
Speaker 3:They define it we do gift.
Speaker 4:Yeah, you do gift, but then it's also, I think, from my understanding of it coming into the culture. What I understood is that even with artsy there's different people. There are people that take almost like a ritual you have to bring this yogurt and you have to bring this many things and you have to bring this many blankets. And then there's certain artsy people that are like there's specific things and then class, that's good, they're very chill.
Speaker 3:But I think that there is meant to set this couple up for life. Yeah, that's a struggle.
Speaker 2:The essence of the rituals and stuff like that.
Speaker 3:And sometimes we point out misusing it or mismanaging it. But at the end of the day, these two families are thinking the best for you and they came together and brought the best that they could together to set you up for a life that they knew is going to be hard already from their own experience. And what you do with it or how you look at it is up to you and based on how you look at it, your reaction and interaction or interpretation of it is going to be different.
Speaker 1:Did you have a misconception about the two different cultures? And then how do you demolish that thinking from your mind, said saying, okay, this is all assumption that we all made about each other's culture stereotype. Things are not true. Now that I'm going to be married into this community, which is there's a lot of them over just different tribe what was that thing that you have to do? Because, as hotter people, it's like we can be open. But like, how much can you be open? It's like comes to that point.
Speaker 3:Yeah it is. It's still something I'm learning. Honestly, it is a different life. Their expectation is different, but I like their expectation more than ours in a way.
Speaker 1:Say more about that.
Speaker 3:Yes, thanks.
Speaker 4:Money I got you today.
Speaker 3:Okay for me. Personally, I don't expect anything from my wife. I really don't what she does for me. She does it out of her own kindness and out of her own needs and because she wants to do something for me, she can do it. I don't expect her to serve me, I don't expect her to cook for me, I don't expect her to clean after me, I don't expect her to do anything. But all of those things that she does is because she wants to do it and if she's doing it and I help her. So let's say, one time somebody from her side is in our home and they see me do something, they'll be like oh yeah, because my wife, how could she just sit there? She's your wife, but let her get up and do it for you and I'm like I have two hands.
Speaker 1:It's working.
Speaker 3:I can do it, I'm not broken. I said I would rather get up and do it for her than have her do it for me, and they're like no, we need to talk to her. I'm like there's nothing for anybody to talk to her about. We chose a life and we live in that, our way and how we want to do it, and it's just one of those small things that so you liked that.
Speaker 3:I did not like that they say anything. Oh okay, but I liked that they witnessed it and I liked that they see, that was an expectation, yeah. But I liked that they know that I didn't expect anything like that from my wife.
Speaker 3:I really don't. When she gave birth, the 40 days that she was home, the first two weeks, I let people come around and see her and take care of her. But I didn't like how everybody was doing everything for her. They were trying to get her to move, do this, do that. They were exhausting her. So I was like sure, go home, everybody go home. I can cook, I can clean, I can do everything. I would do everything my wife needs. You won't go home. So I kept everybody out, including my mom. Everybody was awake.
Speaker 1:What was their reaction?
Speaker 3:Everybody. They was like. I was like I care about my wife and I want her to be okay. I want her to be fine after these births and her mental and everything should be intact.
Speaker 2:I think, that's beautiful, that's beautiful.
Speaker 2:I think there's something to say about, like, when you come into a marriage and you have the emotional intelligence and the background to be like okay, this is how we are going to do the marriage and you guys' opinions. It's not that it's invalid, but it's not. We're not going to apply it in this way. You know what I mean. And even if you're marrying somebody that is within your family or within your culture, then you will always get outside. There's that will not take and stuff like that. So that's really beautiful to see that you were able to stand for her anyway.
Speaker 3:Because my dad does this for my mom, my sister's husband do this for them. It's different and it makes me excited. It motivates me more and I'm like I can do more. I can keep doing this. So after that 40 days, we did a lot.
Speaker 2:I just want to point PSA out there, though that it's not all at a season.
Speaker 3:It's not no.
Speaker 2:It's not a generalization that I feel like it's more of family upbringing and how people are raised and stuff like that Versus like a blanket statement. I just want to put that out there for our listeners.
Speaker 4:Alright, defend your people. I am not. No.
Speaker 3:But those kind of outlook it didn't just come from the RC side, it also came from our side too. They're like, okay, she should be strong enough to do this by now. She should be strong enough to do this by now. As if they are going on their own.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think there's a general lead. This is a gender role thing, right. Men are supposed to do this, women are supposed to do this, regardless of whether they're RC or hotter. That still applies. And then also that still applies when it comes to the family depends, right. There are certain areas that we're so used to other fathers, uncles and brothers helping out around the house, and then there's some areas that only girls are in the kitchen and men are waiting for the food and sitting there, and there's that too, and so it's not. I touched my hands. Yeah, it's not one side of it, and I think we all have it. It's just a matter of, like I said, the way we were raised.
Speaker 4:Now I was just going to ask, going back to before marriage, because I did you and your wife had a conversation about the details of your marriage, how it could be, and how your marriage, how your wedding was going to be, because you said that people had input. How were you guys able, if you guys were able, to be a unified front for your wedding, if there were any conflicts, just so that we, for our readers, to know what to anticipate and what to do better, what they could have done, what you guys could have done better, what you guys did really well, and then also about your marriage, what you guys did, and have a conversation. This is the kind of marriage we want.
Speaker 3:So I want to say one good thing that my wife and I actually do is communicate. It doesn't matter if it's painful, if it hurts, if it's sad, if it's good. We make it a point to always talk to each other, because it really doesn't matter what the issue is. It matters how you tell me and what you tell me about it, because then I can do something about it. And vice versa too. If I don't tell her anything that she can do about it, if I hear it from somebody else, it only going to upset me. But the fact that the issue is between us and we are not talking to each other, it's not going to work.
Speaker 3:Our side of the family has an opinion. My side of the family has an opinion. We listen to those opinions because out of respect for our parents, because they are the people who raise both of us. But after that we always go outside in our car or go to our room and just sit down and I say okay, what do you want? You tell me what you want from this and how you want it done, and if she says it, it's going to be like that. If I say it, it's going to be exactly like that. It doesn't matter who's going to be upset. It really doesn't, because, at the end of the day, it is our life and our home, where we are the ones that are working for it. We always tell each other exactly what needs to be done.
Speaker 4:Were your friends easily? Did they have any influence and what you guys were able to do for your wedding? I know some friends are like, oh no, don't do this or don't do that.
Speaker 3:Yeah, specifically, you haven't known each other so long, so rushed, just get to know each other for at least a year. And our response to that is honestly, you see how we are next to each other, you see how comfortable we are and we, together alone, wanted to try this and see how it works. Nothing is ever guaranteed, but at the same time we always talk to each other. So when people say that and it seemed easier to convince them at that time, honestly, because when they see us together they already assume they're like oh my God, okay, these two should have to get married right now I brought her to one of my families, I introduced her to my older sister and then, with my sister, we went to a cousin's. There was an aunt that was there and nobody told her that me and me were dating or anything. My sister did I have a, just introduced her as her friend.
Speaker 1:Also, his sister's name is Dahave Hiya, so they would what kind of some sort of like conversation that you had with men, with, like, your friends, or your insoles and when you were getting married, that was like advices or suggestions that they gave you on how to navigate all of this.
Speaker 3:Yes, that's a good question. Actually, when I brought up the idea that I want to get married and I said, okay, I'm getting married on this day, I want you to be here for this thing to the people that I knew I wanted there and the people that I respected to be there, a lot of the advice from the older people were like okay, it's going to be hard, work hard, listen to your wife and try to make life work. That is all. They don't really go into details. And then the people who are like a few years older than me, who have been married and have their own kids, are all like don't do it, eat it. Do not do it, you're going to go crazy, you're going to be miserable, you're going to be just unhappy. When I'm like, okay, and then from the people my age, they're like oh my God, you're so young, you still have life. What are you doing? Don't get married so young, live a little bit, do this, do that.
Speaker 1:Why do you think guys in general, who are married older than you or have kids, why are they trying to like say marriage is a hard, don't do it and it's scary, it's too much work. What is it about that they are trying to push? We hear those things right Uh huh.
Speaker 1:Whether we hear it from people in gathering talking about it or we overhear them talking to each other. But what is it Not? Instead of encouraging one another, instead of making the whole process easy for one another, they're discouraging one another, saying don't do it, because this is hard. This is this. Why do you think they do that?
Speaker 3:I really can't answer for all of them, but from my own experience and what I've seen, marriage is hard. It really is, and it's a choice. Is choosing to love a person every day for whatever they bring to the table for that day, and is choosing to overlook a lot of the things in the past and the present and what you want in the future. Those men who always tell other people to not get married probably have some kind of a terrible experience that is not as terrible as they think it is. Honestly, marriage is not a scary thing. It really is not. It's something that takes a lot of effort, something that challenges you and that pushes you to a different corner that you didn't imagine, that you are even capable of going.
Speaker 4:Normally people are projecting their own experiences on each other. I feel like, from what I've heard people say normally when they aren't in that kind of situation or when they give that kind of advice, I notice that they do it because of the circumstances that they got married in, In the person that they got married to. So did you love the person that you are married to? What were the reasons that you got married? Is it because you thought that person was cute, that person was hot, whatever, and then you got married? And then you figured out, oh shit, there's more to life than just be sex. Or even, I feel, what's your priorities in marriage? Right? Are you putting a love first? Are you putting each other? Are you putting yourself first and then your spouse? Because in our culture most of the time it teaches us to put everybody else in front of us and then that creates resentment and disdain and distressed and all of that stuff. And I say all of that to say to ask what were your expectations going into marriage versus what you were taught to expect?
Speaker 3:I'm very different. A lot of the guys who I know would agree I'm not a typical man.
Speaker 2:What does that mean?
Speaker 3:I cook, I clean, I bake.
Speaker 4:And that's rare.
Speaker 3:It is very rare. A lot of the people that I know would not eat my cooked food because they would say that's a food made by a man. I don't want to eat it. They would literally sit in my home and say, but I don't want to eat that, I don't want to eat it. That lets me eat it.
Speaker 4:Those are your friends.
Speaker 3:Not my friends per se.
Speaker 4:But just sit in there.
Speaker 3:But these are the acquaintances that we have in our life. And when they say things like that and I'm like my wife is not going to cook for you, she's not going to cook for nobody unless she wants to get up and do that. I cooked the food because I didn't want my wife to do it and I didn't want her to get tired, so I did it. I had the energy. So if you don't want to eat it, don't eat it. I blub into your design. I'm very good with my hands. I draw, I paint, I do everything. And when I do those things. But a lot of the things that men do yeah, traditional roles like play soccer box, be able to fight, and all of those things I don't say I would excel in those.
Speaker 3:And so when I say I'm an unconversion, all that's what I mean. I do myself, and so my outlook and my idea of a marriage and what I expected of a marriage. To be honestly, I, like I said, I had zero expectation. I did not expect a marriage to change my life. I did not expect a marriage to make me this whole new person. But I did expect it to change my lifestyle and the way I perceive things, and it did exactly that.
Speaker 2:I feel like there's also this like misconception among guys that like once you get married you lose your free time, or like you're almost shankled down or whatever have you guys does that sense?
Speaker 3:No way, it is.
Speaker 2:Yeah, okay, it is very true, but I would say well, would that be, it shouldn't deter you yeah.
Speaker 3:But it shouldn't deter you when you decide marriage. You're not just dating somebody temporarily. A marriage is permanent in my opinion, and it's all the way.
Speaker 2:It should be.
Speaker 3:So when you're choosing that, you're in the back of your head and whatever your subconscious is it should always be. This is going to work out for as long as it can, for as long as I'm going to work for it, and so, like the idea that marriage should cause you, don't have a deterrent, it shouldn't be a deterrent.
Speaker 2:And what have you learned? Like post marriage now, what would you say? Because you had said that you didn't have a lot of expectations. But now, being married for a couple of years now, what do you think about that now? And going back to what people were telling you yes, before marriage I was very adventurous.
Speaker 3:I traveled a lot and I was never home. Honestly, I was just always out on weekends. I would take a whole two weeks off from work and just do it, because it was that flexible. But after getting married I don't do that as often and when I do travel, I make it a point to travel with my wife, and if I'm doing anything fun, I make it a point to do it with my wife Again. Now I'm back in the train. When you're married to somebody, you are literally glued to that person for the rest of your life. Of course, that person has their own life to lead and manage and do things. So when you are together you are leading one life, you are on one straight line and your point is to work together for each other so you can make it as far as you can.
Speaker 2:Because, like you said earlier, you're only responsible for what you decide. You know what I mean. And if you're like a lot of people, they're like okay, if I do this, then is she gonna give that back to me? I feel like it takes a lot of weight off your shoulders.
Speaker 3:It really does. And I think, if I do this for her, how is God going to reward me, literally, if I give this up for her, how or what am I going to get from God? And I'm very cautious about God being present in our life, because we really can't move anything without him, and how he wants it. But if we work with him and try to get his guidance in all the ways, this struggle of a marriage is going to be a lot easier. It's going to, even if it's a challenge or if it's difficult. It's going to be a lot easier that way. But for her, I can tell she loves me. She literally would do anything for me if I say. Anything she would do. But I can tell that it took her some time to get to that viewpoint. When we first got married, it was love, attention, do this, do that. And then, as we live together and experience how you are as a person at 24-7, it's okay. Do I want to love this person like I did then? I am dealing with his anxiety, I'm dealing with his OCD expectation of a person.
Speaker 3:And right before we had our son, when he was like eight, eight and a half nine, literally one week before she was due again. I had another dream and I told her I don't think you're going to last this week. You're going to give birth on this day, at this time. And it happened exactly that way. So the morning of us getting ready for our son's birth, she got up. She said babe, my water broke, I want to go to the hospital. And I was literally. She's getting birth, she's going to die, she's going to scream on the road, she's not going to make it to the hospital. So the idea, like you know what we see on TV people rushing and everything that's what I was expecting. And here's my wife Kam. She goes to the kitchen, puts on food, she cooks for herself, goes to the bathroom, takes a shower, dresses up.
Speaker 4:Wait, that's her first child Literally.
Speaker 3:And she's so calm and I'm looking at her like I'm shaking and I'm sweating and I'm running back and forth. I did not even put on my shoes.
Speaker 3:I can't do nothing. And she's sitting there like, and she's smiling at me. She says I think you're going to be a good dad, but sit down and eat. I was like, no, you're getting birth. She's going to come out this second. We need to go to the hospital. I'm just it's okay, I'm going to go take a shower, you'll be fine. And I just sat down and I smoked. Sheesh, I was like I'm not going nowhere. And that moment she sat me down and she comforted me, she made me feel comfortable that she's going to be okay and be able to enough to drive her to the hospital. So I drove.
Speaker 4:I just feel like such a punk now. No, taking a bath and cooking a while after my water breaks, that has never happened to me before, but I feel like I would be like that's fucking great In your days, girls.
Speaker 2:I've seen that tip top for me like the first child yeah.
Speaker 3:But the thing is, I had like.
Speaker 4:I've played all of polygon everything.
Speaker 3:Two days I had it by the door and I was like I'm set, it's clothes, her clothes, everything, pads, pills, anything that we would need, everything set by the door. I just wasn't ready for a reaction. She was so calm and I'm like what kind of a shit?
Speaker 1:is happening. The balance itself out because sometime there is a person who's panicking and there's person who's already. I imagine both of you are panicking.
Speaker 3:Yeah, but that's me as a person. I would expect you to panic with me.
Speaker 1:So we can know that this is the mission. You see it too.
Speaker 3:I'm like I'm the only one just running off the rails.
Speaker 4:So actually I had a couple of questions in mind and then now you added a third one to me, so I want to ask my first question is I wanted to know what were the, the some challenges and some conflicts that you didn't perceive, that you didn't expect to have in a marriage, that you later were, like a pre-retory experienced while being married?
Speaker 3:Oh, that's a really good one and I don't like it. It's, I have to be honest, in a marriage there's always an in-law for both sides and sometimes a lot, of, a lot of the times when an in-law is involved in your life, very difficult, because they tend to have a lot of opinion, literally about anything that you do, anything that she does or she doesn't do, they will have an opinion. I imagine my married life to be a blithful one no in-law issues. I would bring my wife to my mom and she'd be like oh, the best daughter in law, I love her, she's this, I love her, I love those to my sister's same thing and all of them. But I forgot that there's a short real life. Some challenges that I've encountered would be trying to manage my mom's expectation of my wife.
Speaker 4:Oh, can you say a little bit?
Speaker 3:Very difficult one. Of course, my mom loves me, I love her, she loves my wife, my wife loves her, but there is an expectation of not just my wife, of me as well, but that expectation has to be realized by my wife.
Speaker 4:Can you explain a little bit? Just give us an example of what that expectation might be.
Speaker 3:As for a hundred percent, when you are going out and if you are going to a family event, your mother would expect your wife to look tip top perfect to her specification to how she thinks her daughter in law should be presented to the world. Does that make sense? So let's say there will be an event and it will be on my side. If my wife dresses up, most of the things that my wife wears, honestly, I buy for her or we buy together, because I love dressing her up. I do love for her to look beautiful. If I see a beautiful dress, I'm bringing it home. This is for you Wear it on this day. And if she's going out, I love to dress her up. I would pick or choose the clothes for her.
Speaker 4:Do you guys have the same style?
Speaker 3:We do. I mean first we didn't, but when I forced her to try on different things Explosions. Yeah, not like.
Speaker 2:Explosions, explosions, explosions Explosions.
Speaker 3:I would never force her to do anything. You need a costume. If I choose something for her and she is not comfortable in that thing, I swear I would choose the uglier thing that she's comfortable in than the shoes. I don't care.
Speaker 2:I would compromise.
Speaker 3:I would, because her comfort is more important to me than looking like anything else. I'm sorry, I don't want too much because I would choose. Everybody's style is different.
Speaker 4:Not in a bad way, but it's reminding me like good marriage, Kanye and Kim oh my God.
Speaker 1:He's just a bad part One of the most aggressive yeah yeah. He says that he's not supposed
Speaker 3:to wear a divorce suit. He says it's not going to look good.
Speaker 4:Yeah, because even after they were divorced before they were pregnant and started.
Speaker 3:I'm not going to put them out there like that, no way.
Speaker 4:She used to ask him for advice after they were divorced to get her dressed and stuff. So in that way I mean it just reminded me of that, not the crazy part the fun part.
Speaker 3:My parents and my family knowing as a specific person that I am, literally I would not go out with my sisters if they're wearing sweatpants. I would die, I would not. You're going to go out there and change into a nice dress or a different pants, I don't care, you're not going to wear sweatpants. If you see now.
Speaker 1:I don't think the people that I know is going to agree to that. But okay, that's just me, yeah.
Speaker 3:But growing up with my siblings they indulge me like that. If I say I don't like your outfit, they would just go ahead and do it. They would do it because most of the times I would buy their outfits. Honestly, if I see an outfit that is beautiful on my sister, I would buy it. If I run across somebody and I'm like, oh, I like your outfit, I think this would look great on my sister, I would take a picture, send it to my sister. If she likes it, I will go buy that outfit for her. So they know I want them to look good, not because I want them to look good next to me.
Speaker 3:It's for their own good.
Speaker 1:It's being considerate it is it really is?
Speaker 4:Do you comment? You're like, oh, because I'm the kind of person that if I really like you, I would be like yo. That just does not match. Or can you change your makeup right now? Yes, does Uju.
Speaker 3:I would 100% do it. I would, I would. But if you tell me I feel comfortable in this, I would do it because for my own self, there are some outfits where I wear and it looks great to everybody, but it's literally itching me and I don't like the feel of it. And I see myself in the pictures in the mirror and I feel great, I look great, but I just don't like this glow. It's not me. If you have that kind of feeling, I would never force you to Me you are mine, okay, so we'll go back to expectations, and long.
Speaker 1:I think that's the thing for everybody.
Speaker 3:Yes, so at that event, like I said, they have an expectation of what bitters wife is supposed to look like and it's never been fulfilled.
Speaker 3:It would never be. It's not even fulfilled from my own view. Why would it be? Because that's me expecting a whole other human being to live to it, literally inside my head and live how I want it. It's not like that. It's not fair to expect like that. The comments would be like oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Okay, I don't like your photo. Can you wear a different photo? Or I don't like this dress on you or this three on you. Can you wear a different one? Or hey, Vera, why does me wear like this or photo? Can you throw it around a different style? And I'm like do you see her? She looks beautiful. And I go and take a picture and I bring it back. I'm like, look at her, she looks gorgeous, she looks like a super model. She's like a change I don't want her to change.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's so beautiful Because I feel like a lot of the times your family was comfortable enough to come and tell you about it. A lot of times it's little comments here and there to her you know what I mean.
Speaker 3:Which you might not hear about it, but little nip, very petty, those things I swear to God and my family knows me, if you touch anything that I say I'd like, I will fight you. I don't care who you are. I would literally make you miserable, and that's how I live my life. If any of those kind of things come up, I'm very quick, I address it right there in front of the same people. At that time I don't care how you're feeling, it really doesn't matter. But you need to understand there is a way to communicate and there's a way to get what you want, and then there's also a way to hurt people to get what you want. I love everybody. I know that privilege I have of her loving me. Most of the time I don't live up to it, and it's not on purpose, it really is not. It's just how life is.
Speaker 2:It's how I've been in the favorite child.
Speaker 1:It really is and you are expected to Wow, what a pedio.
Speaker 3:You'll get those things, but you have to pay it in a different way. It's really different. So there had to be a point where I literally have to sit my mom down and I have to tell her hey, I know you love me and I know you want to have me home for me, but I do not want you to be involved in my home. I want you to be my mom, I want you to be the grandmother to my child. I'm not a mother enough for my wife, but I do not want you to be involved.
Speaker 1:How did?
Speaker 3:that go. She was mad. She was mad at me, she was mad at the whole world.
Speaker 1:Did she get the rest of the family involved? She?
Speaker 3:did, and I had to talk to each and every one of them.
Speaker 1:All the 14 and aunt and uncles. They said go on.
Speaker 3:My home is important to me it really is and I chose to bury this person. I chose to bring this person, who is an outsider, into my family and introduce her to my parents and my siblings. That's my choice. They don't have to love her, they don't have to worship her, they don't have to be there for her, they don't have to do shit for her, but they have to respect her when they talk to her. They have to respect her when they ask her for something. They have to ask her nicely. She's not their sister, she's their brother's wife.
Speaker 3:Anything that comes out of their mouth if it's not respectful, you cannot be in her life. You cannot be talking to her about nothing. But if, outside of me, you two come together, you form whatever kind of a friendship and you talk to each other and you meet outside Because, oh, this is a bittersweet way to do this, oh, this is a bittersweet way to do that. If you don't do that, but if you see each other and you're like, hey, me, hey, so and so, and so you talk about whatever you talk about and end oh, you separate ways. If you come together respectfully, talk about whatever you do, but do not do anything because you are married into the fact. I do not allow that. I really don't.
Speaker 2:I think she doesn't hold on anything.
Speaker 4:I think that's also one thing people forget the most specifically in-laws and I can speak from an in-laws perspective that one thing I learned watching being in the law, that I tried to create that boundary when I walked into my own marriage, was that because I know how I was, or the kind of expectations that I had, or the kind of judgments that I had on my brother's wives, right. So you have to be introspective. You're like, yeah, she probably deserved that one, but that one was on me. I was just being the judgmental. So because of that, I think most people don't realize that she does not owe you anything. She is married to your brother, he is married to your sister. That doesn't mean that they are your extension hand or whatever.
Speaker 4:I actually listened to a YouTube video by Nobleh Khan and he was talking about when mother-in-law say, oh, she's just like my daughter. That's when trouble comes, because when that gets to that comfort level, it's when disrespect comes. That's when people cross each other's boundaries. But one thing earlier that you said that I wanted to again go back to that kind of peak. My curiosity was that you mentioned anxiety and you being anxious and you having OCD, and maybe I'm guessing that you're probably at your house, super tidy and clean and so on and so forth, and I don't know. Are you diagnosed with OCD?
Speaker 3:I'm not diagnosed, just self-diagnosed. But I like very tidy things. This is bothering me. But, it's not bothering me enough for me to throw this away. I can't. It's not my home. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 4:So my question to that would be. So my question to that would be how is that living with another person and having an anxiety and having these kind of differences right? Like OCD? It's a disorder and my anxiety is very bad.
Speaker 3:I like things very specific. That's the space that I create for me in my home. There has to be a certain order of things and how I live, how things look. If things are messy, it literally clicks in my brain that your life is messy, your life is out of order. You see how much laundry is on the floor. That's how your life is out there too, and my mental stages gets out of hand and in that moment I really don't know what to do or how to even get up and clean that thing. That's bothering me. I have a routine that I've been practicing for the last eight, 10 years. That's worked very well for me.
Speaker 4:Were you able to bring that into your marriage Exactly? Was your wife able to? It wasn't that easy.
Speaker 3:I had okay, for example, throughout the entire week I clean, deep clean everything. I pick one day to do one super deep clean where I move all the furniture and everything from my closet and actually clean, put it back dust and everything. That's a lot of work, but again, weekends I have a lot of time. So that's what I practiced for a long time before college and into college and after college it's been second nature now, and then getting married and sharing the space the same space that I've managed to keep the way I want and sharing that with somebody else who did not have the same lifestyle as I did. Mickey did not have any experience with anxiety before. She really didn't understand. She hasn't seen people go through something like that or experiences. She didn't know what it's called.
Speaker 4:But how does it show up for you, For me?
Speaker 3:I walk into the home and this is in the kitchen all over Dirty pots, shoes everywhere, the pillows on the couch is not in the right space, they're all over the blanket's there, garbage on the floor, just things out of order on the floor when they're not supposed to be. Walk in and I'm like, okay, I felt like my life was good before I walked in, I was happy, and now I'm in this home and suddenly the walls are caving in and I don't know what the hell to do Usually in those moments and we'll collect everything bring the garbage bag I don't care what it is, whatever is in front of me, or throw it away. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, it's just the way. Honestly, just throw it away if there's, this is piling up on here and it's just full and my ex-husband is not gonna let me stand there and watch that. It would be easier for me to literally collect all of those fishes and throw them away and then go buy a new one to start over. That's how I deal with it.
Speaker 3:But then I came with a different method that I don't have to destroy things or throw away things and combine them. It gets to do them, to literally breathe Through the whole thing and get through it, because it's not going to get that right self, mm-hmm. So teaching something like that to my wife is something that we're still learning, something that I'm still trying to teach her of how she Contrary ourselves exactly, and it's not her job to do it, honestly but she can do a lot of things just a facilitation, I mean exactly, and that's one thing.
Speaker 3:I have to actually sit her down and say hey, these things does this to me and this is how I feel, and you see how I feel when those things happen, mm-hmm. So for you to help me, you can do these things. Mm-hmm can do that and she does it, but still it's something that we're working through and it's something that's been Working very well so far.
Speaker 1:So how do you balance work life and your personal life in marriage and things like that?
Speaker 3:Actually, my marriage and my life is a priority more than my job, mm-hmm. My job helps me fund that life. No, so my priority is home, my kids and my wife. So I'm focused on them a hundred percent and In work because my word allows me that flexibility to be able to do that. They don't demand a lot from me.
Speaker 1:Oh. So what would you say? You want some advice? Is that you can give another man who are either Concerns about marriage that they may have or how? What are some things that you have learned by yourself in this process?
Speaker 3:I would say marriage is not as difficult as a lot of people make it seem. This work, it's a lot of heavy and hard work. Mm-hmm but it's been really not as difficult. I Think communication. When I say communication is overused in a lot of ways. It's literally just talk to each other and whatever bothers you, whatever hurts you. It's a lot easier talking to each other and coming from each other than to let it faster and then hear it from outside.
Speaker 2:Were your styles different in communication styles and how were you guys able to? Yeah, very different very different.
Speaker 3:She's the person who avoids things and I confronted directly, if I hurt you. It's not gonna take me a second to apologize for whatever I did. If I hurt you right here, I would apologize to you right here. It doesn't matter how it makes me look. If I really don't care, it doesn't sit well with me, are you Apologizing for the discomfort of how you're feeling or are you apologizing to manage the conflict?
Speaker 3:You know I am apologizing if I am in the wrong about whatever it said and if I am to be blamed for if I say anything that hurts you. And you took it, but you didn't say that was that. What you said hurt me, but you went home with it and you're crying about it. And then I hear about it. I'm like, oh, my god, I'm so sorry I made you cry. What did I say that made you cry? And I will hear it. And you said this and this and I swear to God, I'm sorry, I didn't mean it, I didn't want it to say it like that, but it came out and I'm sorry that it did, but I will make sure that I will never get repeated after that it's like, yeah, taking accountability, but you guys, the styles are completely different.
Speaker 2:So how are you guys able to come to the middle? Are you guys like just talking about it more and coming to the middle, or Every push each other to do it.
Speaker 3:We really push each other if Doing the right thing. And if she's so scared, or if I'm so scared, she'll be right there next to me. She will hold my hand if I have to and she will just say just do it, just talk about it, just tell me. And that's one thing that she's made me do. I was not comfortable opening up to anybody, and she's actually taught me to be open, just like. She Says there, holds my hand and says look at me, tell me exactly what you're feeling. What is it? Is it? I don't care how it makes me feel.
Speaker 2:I don't care if it's going to make me cry, just help me so one of the most important things for me, for example being married, is trust In a healthy marriage. How have you guys been able to establish that and maintain it?
Speaker 3:from the First time we started dating. Like I said, I opened up to her directly. I really didn't know her that well, but I told her the biggest, darkest secrets of my life and she didn't do anything with those. She kept it to herself. And then she made sure that she showed me that she still loved me despite all of those things. That is a bigger step in the right direction of trusting.
Speaker 1:Was she also able to be Transparent with you about her own stuff too, as well?
Speaker 3:100%. This is vulnerable and just as open. I'll be honest, I wasn't as positive about receiving her side as she was about mine. I reacted and it took me a couple days to really say all it's life.
Speaker 2:I think we have a case.
Speaker 3:It's hard to hear about somebody's past. It really is if you love them, but at the same time it's a past, it's a shared life. Something does happen before you.
Speaker 2:Would you say that, say you were getting to know somebody. Before looking back, would you rather have that person tell you all of their deep secrets, or not know and see them A bad light?
Speaker 3:I trust you. I expect you to be completely transparent with me, because I would. Like the darkest spots that's comfortable as you can get, but there are things that you can keep to yourself. I don't care. If I really don't care, what is that line of life? It's your choice. It's not up to me.
Speaker 4:For Omogai specifically, they want to either pretend their person has never had any other love interest or, when they hear about it, oh my God, how could you? But then they have 10.
Speaker 3:20 or 30.
Speaker 4:Yeah, so they're like oh, I guess that's the question. Would you want to know the dates, the names, how many and like how deep? What's your number? Yeah, keep it.
Speaker 1:But I'm just saying how many people are you interested in?
Speaker 4:How many people have you talked to? Who is it? Is it my friend?
Speaker 3:And I'm nosy. In that department I'm very nosy.
Speaker 2:So you'll go and find out.
Speaker 3:I won't find out, you would just ask. I would rather you tell me, but you will go and find out. I will find out for sure. I will 100% find out. I'm sorry, but I will find out and then we will talk.
Speaker 4:And wait. You would ask first or you would go find out anyway.
Speaker 3:First, I will find out.
Speaker 4:Before.
Speaker 3:Yeah, they have just in a talking stick so deep in the marriage or a relationship I would have to talk to you. But at the beginning, honestly, yeah.
Speaker 4:I would find out on my own first. Let me just ask a little bit about this finding out situation. If you're uncomfortable, let me know.
Speaker 3:I would be very comfortable, I guess.
Speaker 4:my question is you find out she's dated two guys before you and then she says I've dated one. How would you come to reconcile those two numbers?
Speaker 3:As a human being. Honestly, I think you always have to remember you're requiring about this thing, You're asking questions and you're trying to get the right answer, but at the same time, this is not your life. You are going to get the answer that they give you with their comfortability.
Speaker 2:So you're just like.
Speaker 3:My point is hey, I know 100% the truth already. I won't say it out loud.
Speaker 4:Wait, what is the truth?
Speaker 3:The truth is that she dated two guys right.
Speaker 2:Yeah, is it the truth?
Speaker 3:Let's get back to that point. There's different truths. The guy can say he dated and she can tell you a different truth. Yeah absolutely For me. In that scenario, I would say, okay, I know that she dated two people and I would come through and I'd say, hey, we're talking and I'd like to get serious. Is there anything that you would like to tell me about your past?
Speaker 3:I'd say I dated so and so on, but at the same time, even if she just tells me she dated that one person the other person that she left out, it's not going to matter to me. Honestly it wouldn't, but it still bothers me the fact that she didn't tell me. Yeah.
Speaker 4:It bothers me.
Speaker 3:It would bother me too if you, and it's fine to make her comfortable enough to pull that out of her down the road. If she's not going to tell me today, but there has to be a reason that she didn't tell me about this guy and, along the line, if she trusts me enough, she will herself tell me. Hey, that one day, when you asked me about this thing, I told you this. But the truth is this, and I didn't tell you that the other day because of and that's something that I would never get to know from any source other than her. So my level of understanding is different. I was upset at that time. You didn't tell me, but now you tell me what's reason. I have no choice but to accept this thing.
Speaker 1:I feel like that only happens when you're fully invested in that person and you really care deeply about that person, because reality and realistically many people would not do it and I think it can be even coming to the day of the wedding where they say they find it as a deal breaker for them to say I don't think I want to go through this process with you because there are some information came to light that I don't think I feel comfortable with it, and that happens, I think, when we were talking about certain things we wanted to be mindful about. There is a different version of stories, a different version of understanding, where it depends on the situation, it depends on the condition of how this resource come about, and I think the question that I should ask is how do you build that trust between you and that person? And sometimes we have an expectation where people should be accepting us and then we don't provide the same accepting for other people, and that is happening in all our relationship and we want to be mindful of that is because I'm perfect in my head. I'm not saying me, but I'm just saying people would think I'm perfect and you accept me for all my shortcomings, all the things that I have done, but when I'm telling you I also have a shortcoming. I'm not perfect, thank you.
Speaker 1:I feel like that should be a test of that relationship where it stands, because at the end of the day, we all have baggage, we all have experiences in life that when we made it, when we were naive about it, and that to say for our audience when they're listening to this conversation.
Speaker 1:I want them to keep a mind their stories and the other stories are different and there's your truth and that truth and the truth in the middle, and to be mindful of being merciful to one another when we're telling a story. That because, at the end of the day, all of us make a mistake and those mistakes cannot define the person we are. Today. That's sitting in front of you, and so I really do appreciate that you sharing how you went about those conversations with your significant other and that you took the time to process it and took your ego out of the condition and saying hey, you know what I brought my feelings to, that where I felt very judgmental and not accepting, where you gave me, that when I told you all my secrets and now I didn't do that for you, I apologize. I think that's something that I have to work on.
Speaker 3:Exactly when, like that. Our conversation literally went like that. It's me only my reaction and my mistake in that comment, in that topic that we were discussing, and it's okay moving ahead. How can I receive your things that I might not react positively to? And it's all about I'm telling you these things about my life for you to know. I don't have to tell you that's my life I've lived.
Speaker 3:it is mine mistakes, my good, my bad, my sins, all of that. But I'm telling you because I want to share that with you and you have to respect that. You really have to. It's not like you said you yourself already have some baggage is that you do not want to expose to the world, or you're sometimes to your own self.
Speaker 2:That's beautiful, because I would say in Islam that you and your wife, you're like a covering for each other. It's beautiful to see that you guys are able to be that vulnerable and so comfortable with each other.
Speaker 4:Yeah, I agree, it is really beautiful, I think. One thing I wanted to just tag on just for our audience purposes, because I know a lot of all of us almost do this where we do investigate, right, like for me, my aunts, my sisters are the ones that go do the Google search and all of that stuff. I've talked to a lot of people where they're so, specifically in our community, there's a lot of guys that lie on women. A lot of guys that lie on women. I'm like, but let's go to the cafe and like, get a no, or you're not even. All of the sudden it's just yeah.
Speaker 4:So I appreciate your candor, but I want to caution people. Is that if you don't trust the words that are coming out of the person that you're trying to marry and you have to go and ask, I feel like that's for me specifically You're setting yourself up for doubt and doubt. I feel like when I say this is someone that I want to marry, I have to get to that space of okay, you have to trust them. Right, I'm going to be able to trust you with my child at some point. I'm going to be trusting you with my body, with my family, with my life. So how am I now going to trust your word now, before everything else starts?
Speaker 4:I guess that's what it is, because when I brought up that question of how do you reconcile those two numbers, I don't think asking about someone's past from because we don't know Right, and then having that doubt later on it just starts the marriage with bad taste in your mouth versus I don't know what, I don't know. There's his side, her side, what really happened Right. And then I chose to believe her because she's my wife. I chose to believe him because he's my husband.
Speaker 1:I think the takeaway from all of this is that, even though that's not what the whole of this conversation is going to go about, is to be mindful about the stories that will come out in the community, that will come to you yes, it will come to you and so be mindful when you're talking to someone. This is for the audience. When you're talking to someone, know that there's going to be certain story that's going to come out right before your wedding.
Speaker 3:Oh, it does.
Speaker 1:Because it's usually shaped on its work to not make marriage happen. And there's that story that cracked the house. So to be mindful, saying, okay, I know the stories, I'm scared to share this, but I have to say it, so that way that if it does come, we're ahead of it to be able to protect that. And I think I want the audience to remember that. And sometimes we also have this way of expectation that within ourselves oh, what did these people would say about me? And that expectation is not about that. It's about, like Bonnie said, having those establishment of foundation of that relationship to be starting on the right foot. But I think we're getting to that wrap up at the end of it. But I just wanted to make sure that we highlight that. And it's important to recognize marriage is sensitive as it is, and trust is very much important and to be mindful on how you start off. That is the way to highlight a better relationship for each other.
Speaker 2:Yeah, okay, thank you for joining us today for this conversation on marriage and getting your perspective on your experiences going through marriage and how that was like for you.
Speaker 1:We learned a lot, we learned trust, we learned communication, we learned listening, we learned how to also navigate our in-laws and the way to walk through that line, and we learned that there is not such a thing of gender role. It's about respecting and consideration to one another to help each other out, and I think that's really. It's so refreshing for me to hear that from myself and to not think, oh, man has to do this, woman has to know. This is our house, exactly.
Speaker 2:We hope that you found this discussion very informative, very helpful and just some key things that we want to touch up on is that communication is key. Make sure you're listening to your partner and expressing your own thoughts and feelings in a clear and respectful manner. We want to also leave with you guys to prioritize your relationship and make time for your partner. We didn't get a chance to touch up on that, but just constantly working on the marriage, because it's an everyday battle that you get up, like you said, that you chose to be in this. And the other thing is, finally, don't be afraid to seek out additional resources, support, whether that can be from books, therapy or other couples who have successfully navigating the ups and downs of marriage. Lastly, we hope that you found this conversation helpful and wish you all the best in your own journeys towards a healthy and happy marriage. Thank you for listening.
Speaker 2:Assalamu alaikum, wa'alaikum, wa'alaikum, wa'alaikum, wa'alaikum, wa'alaikum, wa'alaikum. Join the conversation in the comments section or on our Instagram page to share with us what you think. We do not have all the answers and our biggest goal is to kick off and get the conversation going. May Allah SWT accept our efforts and use us as catalysts for change.