Ever find yourself climbing a ladder only to realize you're the one shaking it? Our latest heart-to-heart tackles that very conundrum, unraveling the perplexities of self-sabotage that often hold us back from seizing the life we yearn for.
We highlight the transformative power of therapy and a robust support network. We're passionate about the strength gained from shared experiences and the wisdom we share in these candid discussions. Our hope is to inspire you to carry these insights into your daily life, recognizing your worth and the legitimacy of your aspirations despite the obstacles you've encountered. Together, let's step off the shaky ladder and build a firmer foundation for our climbs.
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As always, please remember to keep innocent Gazans facing genocide in your duas! May Allah swt ease their burdens. Ameen.
Visit our IG page at https://www.instagram.com/dc_overcoffee/ to join the conversation!
Ever find yourself climbing a ladder only to realize you're the one shaking it? Our latest heart-to-heart tackles that very conundrum, unraveling the perplexities of self-sabotage that often hold us back from seizing the life we yearn for.
We highlight the transformative power of therapy and a robust support network. We're passionate about the strength gained from shared experiences and the wisdom we share in these candid discussions. Our hope is to inspire you to carry these insights into your daily life, recognizing your worth and the legitimacy of your aspirations despite the obstacles you've encountered. Together, let's step off the shaky ladder and build a firmer foundation for our climbs.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
As always, please remember to keep innocent Gazans facing genocide in your duas! May Allah swt ease their burdens. Ameen.
Visit our IG page at https://www.instagram.com/dc_overcoffee/ to join the conversation!
Assalamu alaikum, welcome to Difficult Conversations where we tackle taboo topics in a safe space through empowerment and education. The information on this podcast is for informational purposes only and should not be considered professional. Mental health advice.
Speaker 2:Well, welcome back, ladies. Today we're going to talk about self-sabotaging. It's been the conversation that we are having by ourself, but we just decided that we wanted to kind of get our audience to be part of this conversation also and talk about a little bit why we do it, where does this stem from, and how often do we actually self-sabotage, and what is our understanding around self-sabotaging in general feels like. So am I just going to just throw out a question for you two ladies? By the way, you guys are looking really nice with that, hijab.
Speaker 3:Thank you, it was not planned. That means the BL saved the group.
Speaker 2:She has a blue one and so yeah. So I don't know, have you guys ever self-sabotaged? And what is your understanding of self-sabotaging? And like, when did you notice like you are doing it?
Speaker 1:I think I do it all the time Like I'll set a goal, and then I remember listening to something once where the guy was saying how we kind of in life, like we kind of go through peaks and valleys and stuff and so there's almost everybody has like a threshold where you hit. So once, say you're trying to change your behavior or something, then you go up this hill of change or whatever, and then it gets really uncomfortable because it's, you know, outside of your comfort zone and whatnot. And then you start to do behaviors because you almost subconsciously you want to come back to where you were, your tolerance level, your tolerance level. So I feel like and I've noticed this a lot in like, even with like with exercise, reading a book, like one of the goals that I had in the beginning of the year was like reading 30 minutes a day or something.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:So it was good, like for a whole week I read you know 30 minutes a day, and then, like by the seventh day or something, and I'm just like and then something came up where, like I had to do something for my kids or something, and then I was like, oh okay, then I'll do it tomorrow. Do it tomorrow. Then tomorrow became seven days that I didn't read it. Right Now I'm back to my original of not reading at all. So I feel like I do that a lot with almost any any goal that I've set.
Speaker 2:So when about you, Bonnie?
Speaker 3:Um, definitely, and for me, the I do two kinds of self sabotage. One is when it comes to like I'm sure I'll set the goal setting and then not meeting your goal kind of, or maybe setting too much of a goal, like too high of a bar for yourself that you can't reach, or crowding so much into one time period that it's literally becomes impossible for you to do so, to be able to accomplish everything at the same time. And the second part is kind of a little bit more internal, right, like being able, like kind of not going for the job that you deserve or like not not asking for the raise you deserve or
Speaker 3:not speaking up for yourself when someone's crossing your boundary or, um, you know, when someone is being disrespectful and not just letting them do that, all of those things is another aspect of like self sabotage for me. Um, but one the first aspect I feel like um, I was listening to a podcast where this guy said um, self, self, self, self, self sabotage kind of comes from the idea that you stop, your body stops trusting you, right? So, um, for example, if you have a friend and you tell your friend I'm going to be at such and such place, um, let's meet up for coffee at eight o'clock or eight PM, right, and they don't show up. One day, you're like, okay, it's a full pop, uh, and then to every day, for seven days, they don't show up, right, at eight o'clock, and then are, you're not going to show up the eighth day, or for some people, it's just the third day, you're there, just not going to come, right? So your body stops showing up for you because you stop showing up for them for it. You stop showing up for it. So your that your body stopped showing up for you.
Speaker 3:So for, instead of so what happens? Is that, for example, for me, with gym, I say I'm going to go to the gym every new year. So my resolution is, like you know, the gym membership starts and I I'm going to go to the gym, and then I go for the week, and then after that I drop off, right. And then when I drop off, my body's like, oh, okay, cool, and then why am I getting up in the morning to go? I'm not going to. And then it starts making up excuses to why I shouldn't go to the gym, right, and then, since I'm not showing up, and since I have a habit of not being able to stay consistent, I start giving myself excuses to not go there. I start like, oh, you know, tomorrow, or oh, you know, you have other things to do. Oh, you should just do this instead of that. And then it's basically, it becomes a hindrance on its own.
Speaker 1:I think the gym thing for me it's like I will work out and then say, like I work out consistently, like three days a week or whatever, but every day after I work out I'll probably eat like something with super high calorie. Right, I was canceling out all the calories that I lost, so that's my biggest issue with the gym.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so generally self-sabotaging comes from like self-defense, right Is your coping and your coping mechanisms start from self-sabotaging, and the way that works is that you wanted to make sure that there's sense of safety within your body, so you intend to kind of limit the new resistance that may come up. So the consistent schedules that you're talking about when you come to gym is like having expectations and perfectionism and then again, with that, procrastinations, and all of that stems from fear, because what if I don't do well, what if I fail, or what?
Speaker 1:if I do do well.
Speaker 2:Exactly, exactly. So. Instead, what am I going to do? I'm going to create a barriers that would be able to make me stay where I'm at right now, because the resistance feels uncomfortable.
Speaker 3:Yeah, or even the idea of that. It's bad, because I actually used to say this for a very long time. I used to say, okay, you know, when I write a book, that book is going to be successful, it's going to be epic, it's going to be like the New York Times bestseller. So I would write a manuscript and then when I get to like page 100, I have like, I think by the time I graduated college I had like about 50 manuscripts that were at least 100 pages or less and I would be like the fear of me not finishing that, like the fear of my book not being what I want it to be, like not making that goal. What if it? Like? What if I finish this book and it doesn't do well and they find it in the dollar store in the clearance section, right? So I'm literally why are you writing like that? Sorry, I'm doing this on canvas because of Bruxy.
Speaker 3:I'm so stressed, and the clerics literally. Have you guys seen books in the dollar store? Yeah, like their book. So I was like what is it?
Speaker 1:You should stop going to books at the dollar store.
Speaker 3:I don't go to the dollar store for books. I'm just saying there are books there that others slaved on. So I, I, I. That's quite a story, bonnie. I literally just don't finish them and then, but I don't, I don't. My reasoning when I stop writing is not that, oh, it's going to end up at the dollar store. That's the bigger fear. The what I will tell myself is that, oh, you know, you're just right. Tomorrow, oh, maybe the story needs a little bit of, maybe it's a little overdone, maybe this has been there before, but so I come up with all these excuses so that my big fear never happens.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 3:Right Of, like my book not succeeding, or, for example, for the gym situation with me it's. My big fear is that I'm never going to lose the weight or I'm never going to get the body that I want. So I rather make up excuses to not going to the gym so I can tell myself that, oh, if I did go to the gym and eat healthy, I will be, I'll get my body back Right. So so I don't go to the gym and eat healthy and I'll just still live in that fantasy of like, if I did want to, I could but I won't.
Speaker 1:I think one of the things that we're doing here and having this conversation that will help, is building the awareness you know of, like actually recognizing that this is what you do, because I feel like a lot of times not just these situations and or instances that we've pointed out, but there's probably hundreds of other situations where we are self sabotaging that we don't even know about, and I think that's more dangerous than anything else.
Speaker 3:For example, going to work late all the time. People that show up to like late all the time, most of the time that's a form of self sabotage, because they know that if they get up early if they even get up early.
Speaker 3:Yeah, um, even if they get up, or people that fail classes, it's not because of a lack of potential or the lack of intelligence. Sometimes it's because they don't feel like they are worthy of that grade. They don't feel like they're worthy, worthy of that job that they have or the potential of getting, like the raise or the promotion or whatever the case is. So they sabotage or they want it so bad right that they don't want to fail at getting that thing or another.
Speaker 3:Something different, other than the fear of not getting it, is that somebody has told you at some point that you value that you can't. Yeah, you're not going to do it, you're not going to be able to make it. So that voice is unconsciously ringing in your head telling you you're not going to do it, you're not going to be that person, you're not going to make it, you're not going to be smart, you're not smart, you're new, you're not going to be that person. Right that you do. But you end up doing so because you are like, oh, I don't want it. I don't want that person to think that I'm not going to be successful.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:Right, so I'm just not going to try. So if I don't try, I don't fail.
Speaker 2:It's a safety mechanism, right? Yeah, how do I feel safe in my body instead of not putting my body under stress? Right? And if I put my body under stress, that means that I'm also recognizing that I have a higher limit to do more things.
Speaker 2:And though, in the aspect of your window of tolerance and you know, self sabotaging is to stay, not to make you feel resisting to that and usually we do it out of fear, out of fear of even the idea of procrastination when it come to work, right, or procrastinations or perfectionism. This has to be perfect, right? And that level of pressure, perfectionism, is going to be like a very high mountain of idea in your head, like, oh, if I, in order for me to do X, y and Z, I have to have the right camera, or I have to have the right lens, I have to have the right equipment, I have to have the right lighting, the right location, the right. All of this reason is yourself self-sabotaging in order for it to not happen, because then, even if you have all those equipment available, you'll find another reason not to do it.
Speaker 3:How many of you guys have waited for your Amazon delivery to go to the gym, like, be like. Oh, I need a brand new shoes, or a brand new gym clothes, or we like. Or to go shop, oh, I have to. I mean, I need, I need to like, eat healthy. I have to go grocery shopping, yeah, and then I'll start eating healthy, yeah. Or, oh, I have to study, I need a brand new pencil.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think with the eating healthy part I'm always like but eating healthy so plain and eating healthy doesn't taste good.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you know yeah.
Speaker 1:Every time, like I eat a salad or whatever, I'm not full.
Speaker 2:Yeah. So I'm like no, this is not food. I know that we're talking a lot about.
Speaker 3:Nutrition and, like German, workout and body and kind of a little bit touching on body image. I just want to make sure that if this is a triggering conversation for you and if you have an issue with body image and you know, eating and nutrition, no conversations please.
Speaker 2:You know, take a minute and this is take care of yourself.
Speaker 3:But self-sabotage shows up in a lot of different ways, for example, in a more serious manner, when it comes to relationships. Right when, when you're trying to Either be in a relationship or when you're already in our relationship and you don't feel worthy of, I think, like you said, to have a, it comes. The source of it all is worthiness, and you are consistently trying Unconsciously trying to prove yourself that you're not worthy of the thing that you have, or the thing that you want.
Speaker 3:So in relationships it shows up by either Gaslighting your partner, or it either shows up by, you know, taking an argument that could have been just simple and that could have just been, you know, a simple conversation Into some, expanding it and exploding it into something bigger that it didn't need to be, because you're trying to get your partner to say you're not worthy. You're trying to get your partner to leave Because you already think that they're going to leave anyway. So at least you want to have some control over the way they leave, or you know.
Speaker 2:So kind of recognizing, picking. Here's a big one and and sorry for interrupting you there when you hot, when you talk about relationship, it's like picking somebody who you don't feel attracted to and then you're like Inshallah, they'll grow on me, so let me just be continued myself to this. And then when you feel like they say something About your sub that you already feel about yourself, like see, that's why, that's why this didn't work out, but you didn't take the step back to evaluate your knees and you want and like, look for somebody who meets your knees in that level, but you aim low. So you know you can point a finger saying, well, I did it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, like it's like a being nice, you know when you know you're not being asked for, but you're like doing as a transactional thing, Right that, and then you do it. And then another aspect when it comes to relationship is like Talking to people but then, like when they give you full attention, you pulling back you, yeah, yeah like you're like Now you're giving me too much attention. Yeah and then, when they don't, you're like why you're not giving me enough attention?
Speaker 3:Yeah, and you know how you are talking about, like Picking a person that is like, not the person that you want, but the opposite is also true.
Speaker 3:Yeah picking a person that is way out of your league. Yeah right, like way, way out of your league that you that person like, whatever. So you're like, oh, I want that and I don't get that, you know, and I'm not happy and I'm single because I don't get that. So you're consistently proving yourself and, like you go after guys that are not interested in you. You fall in love with people that Emotionally unavailable, unavailable totally, because they're married or they have their own thing going on or they just don't like you. How many?
Speaker 1:girls do you know? Actually never thought about that as a self-sabotaging behavior, but that makes a lot of sense.
Speaker 3:Yeah, how many girls do you know that are that fall completely head over heels in love with people that have never been nice to them or that Don't that have not, they've never even talked to. You know that I'm hard song.
Speaker 1:There's the song that is like that I think it goes for guys too. How, like, though, the lady that is mean to you or whatever, or like, is pushing back up, so they're worthy of that, then you run after you, run after them. Yeah, so the nice mesquine one, yeah.
Speaker 3:I'm curious now. No, there's this I'm hard song. It's called it's. It's this girl. She like literally has this friend and this guy in college that she's in love with and it's like she sends her best friend to like go talk to him. It's a two-part song. It was like in the 90s and they fall in love. No, he ends up having a girlfriend but like he literally never talks to her. He's standing in an elevator and he doesn't even hold the elevator door open for her and she's like running to him. Oh man, that's gonna come to me when I'm driving home. Yeah for sure.
Speaker 1:I was gonna say that storyline sounds familiar.
Speaker 3:Literally a solicited love in romantic movies, where the guy goes after this girl that has never been interested in him, or the girl goes after the guy that's never interested in her, or the best friend falls in love with the best friend. That's like into someone else and he's pining over her, or she's pining over him, and then they come and they fall in love and the person finally recognizes oh it's been you this whole time and you know.
Speaker 2:But it's not.
Speaker 2:It's our way of protecting ourselves honestly, it's our way that we don't have to feel the pain in the herd. And going back to our previous episode that we did about people pleasing and self-sabotaging is kind of interlinked because they're like brothers and sisters in the same aspect of it, because the stem of people pleasing come from self-sabotaging and so you're already people pleasing and so it's like what are you gonna do to kind of make sure that you don't feel you're worthy of anything? You don't feel worthy of the job, the relationship, the partnership, the lifestyle, Unless you recognize your self-steams are not fully in the it's on a shaky ground. So you have to reevaluate your self-esteem.
Speaker 2:You have to evaluate your self-worthiness Like I'm worthy for this, I'm worthy for that, and the fear that stems in this process. Where did it come from? Who told me that I wasn't worthy? And then what situation, which sometimes not even it's not. Sometimes not even your parents, not even your family. It's like a school, it's like a friend. I found this on sorry.
Speaker 1:I'm sorry, I'm sorry, are you okay? Sorry, it was so hard to pay attention to anything that was being said I'm sorry, I can't go away, I can't be serious.
Speaker 3:No, oh, wait. Okay, what is the name?
Speaker 1:of this song.
Speaker 3:I don't know what the name is Eski Malabayi. Do you speak O'Hare?
Speaker 2:I don't speak O'Hare. Okay what does it?
Speaker 3:mean she's begging her friend. She's like Eski Malabayi Emoji Ngaradagay. She's saying help me, my friend, like go talk to this guy for me and tell him how I feel, because I'm in love with him. And she's like yeah, anyway, sorry, I found the song.
Speaker 1:I have no idea what I'm saying now no, no, it's okay.
Speaker 2:I think that should be definitely him there and now you're good now we found the song.
Speaker 1:Yes, we found the song. Okay, sounds good Okay now you'd have to repeat all of what you said, I'm all yours.
Speaker 2:I don't remember what I said. Do you audience? Okay? Okay, I basically was saying self-sabotage means stem from fear and self-worthiness and then as well as self-esteem. If you don't feel you are certain ways, certain aspects of it, the way you think of yourself in your head, if that's not what you feel like you are, you intend to project that in the world. You tend to project that in the social interactions and whatever that may be is so yeah, pretty much that's what I was thinking.
Speaker 1:I think it also goes back to what I said earlier about like raising awareness, right, having the self-awareness to be like, okay, in what situations do I self-sabotage? And if you are trying to achieve a goal or trying to do something and you just can't go over it or you just can't get past something, and whenever you hit a wall you always come back and you seem like you're starting from square one all over again, then it's on you to be like, okay, what internal work do I have to do? What things do I have to do so that I'm not in the situation again? So, first doing the self-awareness, writing it down, and then taking action. Because I think in situations where me personally, I'm like, okay, I'm not, there's fear, there's so much stories that I've built up in my head. Once I just get over that and do the first thing, it gets a lot easier to accomplish a lot of the things, and taking action can be as easy as making a list. I don't know if you guys like to do lists or whatever.
Speaker 2:I don't think in the season. I've said it therapy, therapy, yeah, therapy, and if you mess up, that's okay. If you mess up again, that's okay. If you mess up the third, fourth, fifth time, sixth time, seventh time, I think the point is for you to move through those resistance once you are at the path and it gets easier every time. Yes and that's okay. Nothing is ever gonna be a mistake or a failure if you just keep trying.
Speaker 1:And I guarantee you, 99% of the time nobody's noticing. That's so true. You know what I mean. I think we live, we go through life as if all cameras are on us right, as if, like every little thing that you do, people are gonna be like oh my God.
Speaker 3:Main characters in there.
Speaker 1:Yeah, honestly, honestly. But, you know, keep reminding yourself that nobody's paying attention, and whether you think that's kind of depressing, you know, or it's a relief, for me personally it's a relief.
Speaker 2:I don't know I am paying attention, but I'm here for you though.
Speaker 1:Not in the sense of Not to everybody, not to every person Right.
Speaker 2:I mean, whoever listened to this conversation. I'm here for you and you're doing great yeah.
Speaker 3:And I think one thing I will say is that pay attention to the bigger picture. I think therapy helps with that and that bigger question. I think the things that feel like they're not connected, they're the dots that feel like they are sporadic and they're not connected. Oh, I'm failing at this. Oh, I'm failing in school. I'm not able to go to the gym, I'm not able to eat healthy, I'm not able to, you know, show up to work on time. I'm not able to have friends because I sometimes, for some reason, always disappoint my friends or fall short or whatever the case is. All of those dots are connected to one big thing. What is that one big thing for you? Is it someone else that at some point has told you that you don't deserve these things? Are you telling yourself these things? What are you really afraid of? Sit down and have this big question Like what is my big fear?
Speaker 3:Like what is the big story here that I'm telling myself the big picture, and why am I using these colors? To you know, to fill it in and if you figure out this big picture? Yeah, if you figure out this big picture. Then you're able to say whenever this little, seemingly unconnected dots pop up in your life, when you stop showing up for yourself, you tell yourself, oh, this big picture is a stopping me.
Speaker 3:This big conversation that I'm having internally with myself is the one that's stopping me. Oh, I'm not showing up to the gym. It's not because I'm tired, it's not because I have shit to do. It's because of this big picture of my fear of progress, or my fear of failure, or my aunt that told me, or my sister that told me, or my mom that told me, or my dad that told me that I'm not gonna. Whatever the case is, that's why I'm not showing up. So let me go back, take a step back, reevaluate and then okay, now let me make it in a time that's actually comfortable for me.
Speaker 3:And that is possible for me to do what I need to do.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I think it takes a lot of inner work. Right, it's not? It's not something that you can change overnight. It's not something that like, okay, now you're aware of it, you've wrote it down, and then what? And like, like Habbi said, it's gonna take you going through it, constantly failing, getting back up, failing and getting back up.
Speaker 2:And.
Speaker 1:I think you just have to do the work honestly.
Speaker 2:Yep, and I think so so every day, every day, every hour.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so, yeah, to wrap up Sadly Sadly it is to wrap up this conversation I would say you know, like Bonnie said, therapy is definitely a way to go because you're kind of deconstructing a lot of your life experiences that brought you to that point and it's okay to fail. Please fail as hard as you can, as long as you have support system that will help you pick you up. And, if not, just know that we here are supporting you in your journey and the things that you are working towards and you are deserving. Just know that, like, regardless what happened to you in the past, you are definitely deserving because if you have there's desire, you're deserving for whatever accomplishment that you're trying to reach.
Speaker 1:Because a lot of people put that in your heart for a reason.
Speaker 2:Exactly so. To kind of say that if any of our conversation continues to be helpful for you I think it's just our way to kind of start conversation is for you to figure out how can I be using this information to be helping myself and to better my life and to better myself so that I am flourishing in areas that I'm kind of preventing myself from to do so.
Speaker 3:So thank you, this has been difficult conversations.
Speaker 1:Join the conversation in the comment section or on our social media pages. We do not have all the answers, and our biggest goal is to kick off the conversation and get it started. May Allah SWT accept our efforts and use this for catalysts of change.