Have you ever considered how ingrained gender roles are in your relationship? Let's discuss and dissect this topic with our wonderful guests - Iman, Darartu, and Layla - who will share insights from their personal lives, how they navigate family expectations, academic pursuits, work, and the often complex world of dating. This episode will have you re-evaluating how you perceive and interact within your romantic relationships.
Get ready for an honest look at the struggles and triumphs that come with negotiating gender roles in the family and relationships. Iman, Darartu, and Layla will share their experiences of growing up with gender expectations, and how these roles have shaped their views of relationships and self-worth. We'll also shed some light on the modern dating scene and the challenges of navigating social media and relationships. Listen in as we explore the issue of unrealistic expectations and how they can impact our perception and experience of love.
Don't miss out on this enlightening conversation where we unravel the complexities of love, relationships, and societal expectations.
Visit our IG page at https://www.instagram.com/dc_overcoffee/ to join the conversation!
Have you ever considered how ingrained gender roles are in your relationship? Let's discuss and dissect this topic with our wonderful guests - Iman, Darartu, and Layla - who will share insights from their personal lives, how they navigate family expectations, academic pursuits, work, and the often complex world of dating. This episode will have you re-evaluating how you perceive and interact within your romantic relationships.
Get ready for an honest look at the struggles and triumphs that come with negotiating gender roles in the family and relationships. Iman, Darartu, and Layla will share their experiences of growing up with gender expectations, and how these roles have shaped their views of relationships and self-worth. We'll also shed some light on the modern dating scene and the challenges of navigating social media and relationships. Listen in as we explore the issue of unrealistic expectations and how they can impact our perception and experience of love.
Don't miss out on this enlightening conversation where we unravel the complexities of love, relationships, and societal expectations.
Visit our IG page at https://www.instagram.com/dc_overcoffee/ to join the conversation!
As-salamu alaikum, welcome to Difficult Conversations where we tackle taboo topics in a safe space through empowerment and education. Alright, as-salamu alaikum everybody. Welcome back to Difficult Conversations. Today we're doing something a little bit different and we have some amazing young ladies to talk to us about the dating scene, and people are not talking dating, courting, chopping, like they used to. We want to know what you guys' experiences are and what's changed over the years.
Speaker 2:First of all, introduce yourselves. We're going to start with you, iman. Just tell us a little bit about yourself, and then we can go this way.
Speaker 3:I'm Iman. I just graduated college from Gustavus in May 2022.
Speaker 4:So I'm currently in my gap year and I am studying for my MCAT, my name is Darar Tu, and I'm currently a high schooler in my senior year, right now, 18 years old.
Speaker 5:My name is Layla. I'm also 18 years old. I'm also in high school. I'm the middle child of two sisters one's older, one's younger Awesome.
Speaker 2:How are you guys doing? How is school? What do you guys do for fun?
Speaker 3:What is your social life? My life right now is pretty busy with studying and working full time, so I really have no time to do outside activities. However, I have a day in the week, so Saturdays is my day to just catch up with friends, hang out, get dinner and just give myself a break. But right now I live in Northeast so I moved into this house and there's a lot of things near Northeast, so me and my roommates have been creating a checklist almost to try new restaurants, try new venues and stuff like that. So it's been pretty nice so far.
Speaker 4:Yeah, I'm totally the opposite. I just quit my job so I have so much free time in my hands right now, since I am in my senior year, I really don't have that much to stress about. All my classes are electives at the moment, so it's like very easy flowing. So in my free times I really don't do much. I plan a lot to do a lot of stuff but it never really gets there. But I've been trying to do more winter activities go ice skating, snow tubing and the whole story. Mostly me and Layla have been trying to plan it out for months now but it hasn't been working.
Speaker 5:I feel like I've been in a relaxed state recently. I also did quit my job. I'm currently looking for a new job, which is a lot harder than it seems right now. School is going pretty good for me, so that was a really big stressor in my life earlier on, like first semester. So I'm glad that's out the way.
Speaker 1:But recently in life I've just been doing good, just living life and knowing about the topic that we're going to discuss today, why did you guys decide to be guests on our podcast?
Speaker 3:I was told two days ago Just supporting my local business. But no, I really do like this topic because I'm starting to feel the pressure from it at this age, especially being done with college and getting my bachelor's. It's not just like within my own family, but the outside. I'm seeing a lot of my friends get married. I'm seeing a lot of my friends have kids and it just feels almost like I'm missing something, even though that was never in my. Everyone has their own goals. Everyone has, like their own plan. This topic is very much potent in my life. Yeah, I was very much interested in this conversation.
Speaker 4:Yeah, I just joined because just to be like a fresh perspective. Yeah, as a high schooler and I have listened to some of the other podcast episodes and I did enjoy it so I was like, why not?
Speaker 5:I was invited to be here Once she told me about it. I was really interested about it actually. So I was pretty interested about coming here, but I wasn't invited.
Speaker 6:So you said that you graduated from college and you guys are senior in high school, and where are you guys planning on going to school?
Speaker 5:I haven't made a decision yet, but I did get accepted to the U of M, which is my first choice. But yeah, that's pretty much what I'm thinking about going into. As far as what I'm learning I'm not a hundred percent sure I'm leaning towards like social work area.
Speaker 4:Honestly, I have two options to stay here and to leave. The family will be against leaving, of course, but if I was to leave, I would try to go down south to Louisiana with my sister obviously wouldn't be by myself and go to Southern A&M, which is an HBCU and like one of the top majors is like criminal justice, which I'm trying to major in so I could go into law. But if I was to stay here, I would try to go to a college that's a bit smaller. So, the opposite of Laila, which is the U of M, I would try to maybe go to a private school because I feel like I understand and are involved in, like my, work.
Speaker 4:if I was in a smaller school, there would be less distractions.
Speaker 6:Okay, speaking of families on today's topic, we're talking about relationships and the things that we've learned about our families and the things that we've been exposed to, but I wanted to ask you guys, what are some exposure around gender roles and gender differences that you looked at as okay? Do I really want to exhibit this in my life or how do I change that?
Speaker 4:So tell us a little bit about that I feel like we all have been exposed to the oh, the girls need to be in the kitchen to cook, clean and the whole sort, while you see your guys, siblings, just sitting there not doing much. But since I am the youngest, they're more lenient to just be like, okay, you're not gonna do it, okay, and then get somebody else to do it. But I have seen that, and even not in my family. But if I was to go to my friend's house and I would see that in their family too, so on.
Speaker 5:I feel like with gender roles, I've seen pretty clearly in like family. Whenever I would want to sleep over at my cousin's house or something, I would have to get my boy cousin to ask my mom, or else she would just not let me like sleep over. Whenever I had my girl cousin, it was like little things that you just see from time to time. I just grew up around a lot of girls. I only live with my mom and I live with my sisters. I don't have so much knowledge about the gender or know anything about it really, so For me.
Speaker 3:A lot of the genders I witnessed growing up was so much normalized for me so I didn't really see them. For example, we had to wake up and do dishes before we had to go to school and then we're constantly cooking or we're constantly cleaning and our brothers that were in the house with us, that just pretty much slept in. I didn't see it as oh, like I'm a girl, so this is what I have to do, and I was a kid at the time so I just felt like it was more unfair that I was just. It felt, oh, they're doing this to me like Ima, not Ima and the girl, so I had a lot of anger towards that. And then in high school I played sports. So I played soccer and I ran track and I really never had to worry about gender roles in high school.
Speaker 3:I kept myself busy to stay out the house on purpose and now, looking back, I'm like, oh, like an unconscious thing.
Speaker 3:In college it started to really feel a lot more different.
Speaker 3:I actually started to realize, okay, this is unfair, because when you go off to college there's a lot of independence you have, so I would just go 10 pm at night out, go, do something, come back whenever I wanted to, or not even 10 pm.
Speaker 3:I would leave the house during nighttime or be like 7 pm, 8 pm, and then when I get back, when during your breaks and I wanted to go get food or whatever it was, you can't leave your girl like you girls can't go out at night, all that stuff and I used to work in a restaurant too, so I was a server. I don't usually get off until 11 12 and you have to clean up. And it was constantly like you can't do this, you're a girl, like you can't do that, and I'm like I'm 21. It left like a lot of like a bad taste of being a woman in my mouth, if that makes sense. I was like, okay, why am I constantly being put in this box where I'm told like I can't do this, I can't dress like this, I can't do this, that I turn myself into like uh, I don't want to say like a full blown feminist, but I want to.
Speaker 3:It was more of an extreme side of that but yeah.
Speaker 1:So then, growing up with those, whether subconscious or told gender roles, how does that show up when, say, you're talking to somebody or exploring a relationship, or does it even show up for you? For me, it does.
Speaker 3:Because I felt like growing up, my value as a person was tied to my gender. So I felt, oh, if you're not married, if you don't know how to cook properly, if you don't know how to sit properly, if you don't know how to dress properly, you're not just a good person, or like you're not valued or whatever. And now it feels like I've accomplished the great things in my life, like graduate of college, I'm about to apply to medical school and stuff like that. But I feel like I get this kind of pressure that I'm not accomplished enough because I'm not looking for marriage or that's not within my path, if that makes sense.
Speaker 4:I feel like for me it was more so if I wasn't to clean or cook. It was like okay, so what are you gonna bring to your husband? What do you bring into the table? And once you like, constantly hear that you're just like you're gonna rebel against this. So it's just okay, I'm not even. What am I doing this for? I'm not doing it for no husband in the future. It worsens it because cooking and cleaning is like something that every single person needs to learn to do and the more that they try to put it on to like a certain gender where it doesn't need to so it's just in the worst way pushes girls away from it, even though they do need it. At the end of the day.
Speaker 5:I feel like there were not too much that it showed up in. I wouldn't personally say that I do have too much experience in the whole other gender or dating, so I would say I would didn't very much experience it that much.
Speaker 2:Let's go back to your families and what you guys observed growing up. What kind of relationships or couples did you guys grow up around, and what did that teach you? If you learned anything.
Speaker 5:So my parents got divorced when I was two years old. It's just been my mom and my sisters. When I would see my dad on the weekends. He would come every other weekend. Some weekends he didn't even show. I got my mom and my dad in the same person and I just saw how strong my mom was. I didn't need my dad that much. There wasn't nothing that he was doing for me besides materialistic things that my mom wasn't doing. So I just thought you don't need a man, you don't need to go find for love first. You can find it in yourself.
Speaker 4:For me, I do come from like a married couple, but they never really show affection. It's hard because I've never seen them show affection and my dad is not. Even if I was to hug him he would tell me get off him. I do know that they love me. You know my dad. He shows it and like the simple things, like every day he would bring me home a chocolate bar because he knows I love chocolate. So I know that he does want to show love in his own way. So I feel like it took me time to think okay, like it's not, like he's trying to like purposely to hurt my feelings or anything. And with my mom she does show affection, like with all the hugs and all that. But yeah, with relationship wise, I seen it through my parents, but not through all my siblings dating somebody else or talking to me about their love life. That never happened.
Speaker 3:For me. I feel like the relationships in our family. It's weird because we grew up with pretty strong, independent women and I felt like I looked up to them, but in their marriages our family is not a very affectionate people and it made me not an affectionate person too. I also saw how each individual in our family expressed their love differently, in a unique way. Marriage to me was more of a business or a partnership than love or whatever. Because I didn't see that. Because, like, when you are watching movies, you see what marriage is supposed to look like and then you try to compare it to your real-life thing and it's when you see that they're different. You're like, okay, is this what really marriage is, or is it the romanticized thing that you see in television and movies and stuff like that?
Speaker 6:So what I'm getting at from three of you is that for you, your exposure was your mom, leila, and that are two. For you, your parents had a different way of expressing their love languages to you. Whether your dad's bringing you chocolate or bringing your favorite things, that's how he can express because, even though affectionate is probably something that you wanted, that's what you're expressing. And for you, too, eman, is like you're looking for. What you would been exposed to from your family member is the fact that they have other ways that they express their love.
Speaker 6:Maybe you didn't understand or they didn't explain to you, but my question for you guys is that have you noticed something that all these people that you're exposed to done in their relationship? You're like. I like that. I wanted to do more of that in my future relationship. Is there a specific examples or actions or conversation? It can be your parents, or it can be people that you may know, like your cousins or your aunties or friends who are married, or just any relationship that you've been exposed to. I like how this couple does certain things. Maybe that is something that I can add to my toolbox when I do decide to get married.
Speaker 4:Okay, I don't know how to truly explain it, but it's just putting your own stuff and your own needs down for the other person in that situation, like it's a 50-50 thing and sometimes I heard sometimes it's not a 50-50 thing, like maybe 25-70 and understanding each other, just not downplaying another person's like emotions Usually, yeah.
Speaker 3:For me, the one like positive thing that I could take from the marriages I've seen in my family is they put their kids first, the way they love their children and the way that they sacrifice everything for their children. I think all of us in this room is a generation where our parents fled their home countries, had to build from scratch and there were so many things going on in their lives that relationship issues was not, it wasn't like a priority. It was more about taking care of the family and basically building your future and building your home in a new country. And I feel like Bonnie's relationship with J-Lon. I think that's a very beautiful relationship. It's not just like marriage and more like a friendship and like the love that they have for each other and the love that they have for their kids. It's so refreshing and new and it's oh, like marriage, is not like one thing that I had in my head all my life. It's oh, it's beautiful, it's a friendship, it's fun.
Speaker 5:For me, I would say what like you could take from a partnership with someone is just to communicate yourself with them and like really understand that person before anything. My mom was recently remarried and divorced again. Just because she didn't see it, but I feel like I saw it a lot that they didn't really know each other that well. So the way they talked to each other was like I know the way my mom talks, she'll say it and it's not because she's being disrespectful, it's just like the way she talks, like her voice and tone, like she's just louder. You may seem like she's yelling, but she's not. And I saw that my stepdad. He just wasn't taking it. He was like she's so mean, like, but it was just. I grew up with her like I know this is her, this is how she works, this is how she moves. So I just think it's really important for everyone to getting to know who they're about to spend their life with.
Speaker 2:It goes to my next question that I was going to ask, which is from their relationships that you guys were exposed to, and not necessarily just in your family, but even in your friend groups or whatever. What do you think were some red flags? They didn't see, that you saw, or they saw later on in hindsight.
Speaker 4:I feel like it is the way they talk to me. It really goes back to that, because there's no need to be like very negative or talk to me in a negative tone or accuse me of anything that you would think would be out of my character, if that makes sense. Going back to what Layla said, just understanding each other if you know the person, you would know this doesn't fit their agenda. So just coming to the person and then telling them like hey, this happened, I was wondering how it was, and then finding out, rather than just going straight forward, just accusing and going back to what I said before, to just downplaying emotions, if I come to you and tell you like hey, you made me feel some type of way no, I didn't see it that way, I didn't say it that way, so you shouldn't feel that way. I don't like that at all. When the person that I'm with or my partner puts themselves in my shoe, I feel like that's one of my green flags, a red flag for me that I experienced, actually in partnership with someone.
Speaker 5:There was a moment where I just had to step back from the friendship and realize that this person was not the same person that I've met. There was moments before that felt different than what it was feeling like. Now. I could feel the withholding information when you're gossiped with someone a lot and they go to not telling you anything. So I was like okay, like they're not talking to me as much, not letting me like just know little things, and stuff like that you can definitely tell when someone isn't the same person anymore and I felt like that was a red flag that I completely ignored, completely. And it's something that's not easy to like, just catch, because I didn't even catch it until this is like later on, until I had time for myself to even process, to think, but it was like a different person, but with the same connection.
Speaker 3:This is not necessarily like a red flag, being more affectionate around your kids. I feel like that should happen more, because kids they don't really understand the full picture of things. If kids saw that then they will have a better understanding of what marriage is. And for kids marriage is hugging is when you know someone's like in love with or loves you, or kissing on the cheek, all that stuff. That's how kids translate love. And if parents show that, not just with their children but with each other, I feel like that will paint a really good picture into the kids head about what marriage is and what love really is. And obviously when the kid grows up they'll know it's not all that, but that's what I would love to see in a partner someday.
Speaker 1:Going into some personal questions, have you guys had experiences of talking to people and how was that overall experience?
Speaker 3:For me. I feel like I've never really had a.
Speaker 1:I had a or. Okay, let's start at interest. Were you ever interested in somebody?
Speaker 2:Why yeah I?
Speaker 3:feel like I have again. Like that goes back to like me not really having any serious relationships. I don't think I've ever got to like that point, but that's Bonnie probably already knows. I have crushes on people and a really unhealthy thing that I do is I create this image of them and then when I actually get the chance to talk to them and get to know them more, they don't live up to the image that I have in my head, so I completely walk away from that person. It's a very unhealthy. Or I just get very obsessed with a person. I'm not crazy way, normal, cool way, but I get really obsessed with them and then I overthink. Most of the time it's usually my guy friends. If they don't respond to me and then or they don't text me back or I'm just only to talk to me today, that ruins my whole day and I just creates a very unhealthy attachment. So what I'm getting?
Speaker 6:from this story is that there is a crushes out there that you have and you do create very romantic stories in your brain and this unrealistic expectation of who they are and then when you do meet the real person, they don't meet with that expectation. Is that what I'm hearing you say?
Speaker 3:Hearing it back makes me want to see a therapist. It's definitely unhealthy. It's a way to avoid actual relationships.
Speaker 6:So are you saying you're emotionally unavailable?
Speaker 3:Oh, I am emotionally there I did dig deeper into it and I try to like really dissect why I do certain things and I realize, okay, when I have a crush and I create this image and this fantasy, and then when I actually try to build like some kind of relationship, I don't like it or I don't like that person for who they really are and just run away, if that makes sense.
Speaker 6:I just want to clarify it. You did have crushes on those individuals, right? However, you created this idea of who they are and the expectation in your head, and then they don't meet that in person. You already made a barrier between you and that person Because you came into it and then, once you get to know them, you see the real of them. So there's a fear that's already been built. Now you're easier for you to say, okay, I see something wrong with them, I don't like that, but that's protecting yourself. Yeah, when we're emotionally unavailable, we create this idea with ourself and say, okay, I like this person, I like the relationship that I'm having with them alone, but the reality of the relationship itself scares the crap out of you.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I'm talking to my sister and me and her have a bunch of conversations about these things and she would have questions on people and she has this whole relationship in her head I wouldn't say relationship. She has what they are like Without her trying or anything. That person ends up liking her. They're so infatuated with her and then she has no interest in that person. Does that make sense? You're making it sound like you just have this thing and it just lives. She's super cool and calm and cucumber when they're around. They don't have an idea that she actually has a crush on them and then gets so infatuated with her and they're like oh I like you, she's never mind.
Speaker 4:For me right now it's all been talking stages, talking stages. That's what everybody's in right now, so I haven't really gotten to the point where I dated a guy, but yeah, I have talking to a guy. The thing about me is that I'm quick to block like I'll block a guy on every social media if I have to. I don't end up doing it, but for me it's how they talk, how they present themselves to social media. Nowadays the guys that I'm talking about are like East African men, like Somali guys, and I'm usually around Somali people. So the thing is I'm not really around Odomoo girls or guys. They always try to make insensitive jokes and I feel like when a guy that I'm talking to says or does something that's against what I value or against my morals, I did it like really quickly.
Speaker 2:So when you are interested in your talking and you're like, oh, okay, I'm going to give you my Snapchat or whatever you guys give each other, what makes that person special for them to have that access to you?
Speaker 4:At first they have to be really cute. I'm not going to lie, because of course it's like first impressions they're just going to see how they look and then afterwards, when it's really quickly, I try to see how they talk. It has to be more proper and formal. I don't like men that try to talk gangster, come on, we're all from the burbs now and then I get to talk to them more and then see their personality and if it doesn't end up matching mine but complimenting mine, I just tend to end it For me.
Speaker 5:I feel like my experiences with a relationship. I've had one relationship that I feel like I could call maybe. It was serious, it was a great relationship, actually it was not bad at all. But then again that goes back to like when I didn't realize when people change and people grow and people are not the same person that you thought you were or who you met, because this person I knew them for a while, since middle school, and we stopped talking last year. So up until that point we were together on and off.
Speaker 5:It was just a lot that wasn't going to work out in that relationship, religion being a really big first factor. They were Muslim religion and I come from a Christian family. That was like something that we talked about a lot, even though it was okay, and I know like a lot about everything. They let me know how everything was going to go down if it got serious at that point. So at that whole situation, the whole experience, it was a great experience. When it didn't turn out to me the way that it did turn out, I think we realized that we just weren't going to be compatible forever.
Speaker 3:I have a question for you guys, because you guys talking about being in a relationship and talking I'm guessing this was in high school I feel like for me my family just made a really strict rule that you can't do this, you cannot date, don't basically do anything with guys. I had a lot of friends that were guys growing up in high school because I played a lot of sports and they were all African too. But I was constantly reminded don't focus on guys. And I feel like that kind of set me up for failure because I never really got to Again. I only had crushes in high school and oh, you looked at me, we walked past the hallway. I was like that kind of stuff. And now when I'm in a goal where now you're expected to date or not date but find somebody, I don't really know where to start. How do I talk to someone? How do I like build these connections? I just graduated college, so like, do you feel pressure from your family not to date or are you guys more pushed to date?
Speaker 4:My parents. They're always trying to say we're not supposed to date, but of course we're not always at home In the year 247, we are on our phones out with our friends in school. So we do see relationships everywhere, even starting from middle school years, people in relationships. I went to a Somali elementary school and even in elementary they were dating. So I've been exposed to dating at such a young age. I never really got into it, but of course I would romanticize about being in one.
Speaker 6:I just had a question because of what you were saying elementary schools and middle schools and then high schools the dating started already started earlier. What motivated kids your age or younger to be start dating? Because for the rest of us, like dating was off the table. Even middle school, high school, whatever, doesn't matter, it's off the table. What exposure motivation? Because I'm sure the family knows about those kids are dating and if it is what's happening, it's more.
Speaker 4:So you want what you can't have and it, being a secret, kind of puts it more like throwful. You're hiding it from other people. Even at a young age guys and girls they do end up liking each other. It either just stays as a crush or goes deeper. And then they start dating and, honestly, nobody at elementary, middle school years think that it's gonna go too far, like to marriage or whatever. They're just dating today, at this point, and you see your friends, social media really does play a big part because, like, you're just scrolling through the Net and you see these grown folks like what 20 something, not grown, but 20 something year olds posting like couple pictures or what really was like booming at the time was just like you to prank couple videos and stuff and you would just always want to be them. But at the time you don't sit there and think you're on me. You're just like, oh, I want that because you can't have it. You know I ain't. So I think it was really just that for me.
Speaker 2:So I guess, in a way I wanted to get an idea of what does dating look like back then, like in middle school and elementary school, and then what does dating look like now? What is the dating life? What is the dating scene? What does it include when high schoolers are dating? What doesn't mean?
Speaker 4:in elementary it was just holding hands, walking each other to class, just texting each other cringy paragraphs, good morning, just all that. But Now it's just getting too deep, like high schoolers. It's not even marriage at this point. They're just trying to get sexual, that's all it is. Now people are just trying to fill their sexual needs and, and that's why I think more people are trying to push back away from relationships. And now it's like what? Like sneaky links. That's really what it is in high school. I'm telling you guys now, like nobody in high school is looking for marriage None of them growing up, my parents, like you said, it was always a rule like you, do not date.
Speaker 1:But obviously I feel like every parent knew that their kids were talking and that the kids were Getting to know somebody or whatever, and so that's why they have that expectation of when you are. Their only requirement was don't get pregnant, don't do anything until you graduate, until you know you have your degree. And the reason why they say, after you have your degree, where's your man? Because the expectation is that you should have already developed this skill. So then when you are talking to somebody in college, that's what it does for you. You're able to catch these red flags and stuff like that, because you have a little bit more experience. If it's effective, lord knows. You have a little bit of experience.
Speaker 3:I wanted to add to that. I feel like for me that was a different world and we were just constantly reminded your muslim, your aromo, this is the western culture, this is americans. You're not a part of that. I was not looking for dating in high school that really never interested me and also with our family. Education was just like number one. That was very much more pressed on than anything else. I was looking for good grades as the thing to go for and to just focus on. And then now in the same thing when I'm like education is number one, like I have to go continue my degree or whatever. I feel like it's being loosened up because now I see how like Are on, how much freedom they give their kids and it's definitely changing. And I don't know if it's because we're Living in the country longer and we've been here a lot longer and everything is changing.
Speaker 5:I think from what I see back in elementary school and things like that, I don't really remember much like dating like that and Elementary school. Nor did I see a lot of kids dating in elementary school. I grew up in the city so I went to a predominantly black elementary school. Students everywhere around me that came from like places that I come from. We were all put in this one area together where all of our parents said don't do that. So we all didn't do that.
Speaker 5:So I didn't really see anything about relationships until I moved to like middle school and then just in there I was like you know what you said about, just like text messages, like it was nothing serious. And then now, like there isn't really Men that are looking for something serious, right now it's very much all about play and fun. And then I also know from my older sister she's around your age too and I see like later on also, her love life is very much. The guys are just never there, they're not willing to commit, like how she is, even though she's not even a commitful person either. I just know like men are just never serious.
Speaker 2:I guess I want to go back to youtube, both when you were mentioning about how, in high school, relationships very much involve intimacy and what the Guys are looking for, or the couples tend to do, is be intimate and it's. Does that Include and I want to, I say this kind of knowing the answer, but I want to say it so that our audience members, that our parents can hear it Does that include Muslim brothers and sisters that are like going to masjid and going? Their parents think they're like the jewel of the family? I think most parents, they assume not my child. That's why I asked that question.
Speaker 4:Honestly, it really do be the men that be in the masjid post, in the Islamic quotes every day Talking about how they're on their dean. You would think they're on their dean not trying to talk to no girl, but they're signing in every girl's DM. They put this type of persona on that. Yeah, we're gonna get married. We are gonna get married soon. In shalom, I'm gonna talk to your father in the future and we're done with college. When we're done with school, we're gonna get married. So they're trying to put this like fake idea inside your head that you guys are committed and you guys are gonna be forever to push them to like to that limit where it gets sexual and I'm not too sure where they get it from. Everything really does go back to social media, but it does go back to the people that you surround yourself around and we are like in a western society. Once again, you want what you can't have when you guys get to college.
Speaker 3:There's a lot of things that you get exposed to in college, where it's definitely an experience. You will be tested. You're exposed to so many things people from different places, different cultures, different mindsets and in college everyone's very progressive, very liberal, and that agenda is constantly in your face. You have this pressure to be like Do I want to be More religious, more culturally connected or have this college experience of being In this world? If guys are acting like that in high school, in college it's 10 times like worse, because now it's okay, it's really hard and even now post college, it just feels like it's weird. It's like now everyone's getting married, but you're not at the place to get married. It's just you don't want to do anything. It's definitely hard and it doesn't get better is what I'm saying.
Speaker 6:I actually want to know Do the girls talk to each other about the boys, about the things that they share, about the dating process, who they're dating? What are some conversations that the girls are having among themselves? What are you saying about these guys who are somehow some ways that they're initiating this conversation?
Speaker 4:Back in the days I would say, like in middle school like all you would see is like these Exposing accounts where, like somebody would be on instagram or snapchat, it would be some anonymous account that would just randomly post girls nudes or like girls that would be intimate with a guy and it doesn't come from dinner. It would be guys sending it to other guys and talking about them. It never really made sense to me because it was the girls getting slut shamed and the funny thing is it was some other girls doing it too. So I feel like more girls started to be aware. Okay, yo, do you know this guy? Like where do you know him from? Oh yeah, like I heard he was exposing these girls, or there's this video with this girl that he had. You just try to get more intel on him and like where his mind is at or how he is as a person before we start talking to him.
Speaker 5:Yeah, definitely I'm asking for advice. No matter about what I'm asking for advice, I'm gonna do what I feel is right, but I really do like to know about other people's opinions and like inputs to know, like, am I just delusional or Is it like something that I'm seeing or something like that? It's really easy to get stuck in your own head and to accept things when it's not actually what it is. So I think it's an important thing for girls to actually talk about their relationships with their girlfriends, because sometimes it's not something that you could talk to your partner about and then getting just insight, always having as much insight as you can going back to the whole social media aspect, when I was growing up it wasn't as big and it wasn't the whole exposure thing or whatever.
Speaker 1:And Now on social media you had so much unlimited options and people coming into your dms and all that stuff. How has that affected how you show up in a relationship? Because I've had these conversations with a few friends of mine who are now looking or dating and it seems like there's almost a lack of trust. What has your guys experience been with that?
Speaker 3:I get so much anxiety to meet. I don't like when, the first contact being through social media. There's something about that. I don't like that. I rather meet a guy and then find his social media after or just stalk him, not just find Like guy, just find me on instagram and then be like, hey, do you want to meet up? I just feel that's so weird and I don't know. Now there's obviously like in this generation there's dating apps and a lot of my friends are on dating apps. You know, just go on a dating app, it's fun, like you can meet new people. But then again it's so weird to me. I don't like that exposure.
Speaker 3:When you're posting pictures or you're on instagram and people look at you through your pictures. Obviously you post your best pictures on instagram or facebook or whatever. I also feel very insecure for some reason when a guy sees my instagram and these are all my best pictures of me that I posted and he's like in love with that, and then he wants to meet up or whatever and I'm just like I don't like that. Because what if he sees me in person? And not that I'm catfishing people, but it's just him to.
Speaker 3:I feel, oh my god, he's gonna be disappointed. So many insecurities that come through it that I just like to completely avoid. So for me it's definitely a no.
Speaker 4:I just had a conversation with my friend recently about this. We're talking about how we would not want the person that we get married to to meet them through social media. It just seems very unnatural Because, yeah, you get to meet mutuals like you find them from a friend, friends, friends but they could put a fake persona. You never truly know a person until you actually sit down and have a conversation with them. So that's why it's like a long run. You have to sit there, talk to them on social media and then get to the point where you guys have to link up and then they don't meet the expectation or they just are not the same person they are on social media and then you go on from there.
Speaker 5:I don't personally like responding to, like the voice that go into my name. It's just because, like, when you do respond, it's like a vibe that you're unfamiliar with, like you don't know how this person texts, you don't know, you might not even know what they look like at that moment, so it's just like a. It is an unnatural feeling. No, for me as well.
Speaker 2:One of the things that keeps coming up is how One the things that you guys are looking for in guys. Most of the people that are out there in this age, the guys seem to want different things, right, you guys want connection, and maybe emotional and mental connection and intimacy, when the guys are more focused on physical intimacy. And I guess and my question that I want to follow that up with is, when you guys are talking to guys, what are the few questions that you guys ask as filler questions, that One you're like, okay, this guy or this guy's answering these questions in the way that I feel comfortable with, or this is the answers that I was looking for, or I guess the first couple of days. How does that conversation go? Are you guys immediately sending like these Investigative questions I keep bringing?
Speaker 4:this back to middle school, but I'm just remembering the 21 question phase, that's where you just sit there and you guys are just going back and forth what's your favorite color?
Speaker 4:Okay, what's like your morals, and the whole start like we don't do that now. But For me personally, ask them like just those questions, I just get to know them because I feel like they could lie, they would try to lie to Get you to like them. I try to investigate, I try to go through their social media, checking my friends, to go through their social media. I try to see who their friends are, because I feel like you are who your friends are. You wouldn't sit there and kick it with somebody that does not align with your morals. It doesn't make any type of sense.
Speaker 2:I know you kept saying morals. That word keeps coming up in everybody's Diction and the other way, this conversation, I guess, in a way, for you and maybe for this generation, what does that look like? Is it based on your faith, your culture? And if so, what are? Some of these? Are my green flags. These are the things that I'm looking for, not just for now, but for the future.
Speaker 4:Yeah, I guess it could go back to both culture and faith, because, you know, I feel like with faith, too, we have it, so we could be the best person that we are. For me, when morals is just being like a genuine and sincere person, kindness plays a really big part of it. People are so rude these days, like it's literally getting disgusting, like they'll make fun of anybody, and one thing I hate is a person that would try to make fun of another person for the laughs of the group Once again, or the laughs for you. You know, I mean just kindness, compassion, empathy. Empathy plays a really big part too.
Speaker 5:So, yeah, everybody kind of craves that from a person that they're looking for some green flags, I would say, is the way someone talks to you, the way they carry themselves. It's way easier to notice red flags than it is green flags. For me, you can just tell when you're around someone good and when you're not like messing with the person that you're around. So for me, I just really go with my intuition, my god, to answer like your first question what I look for.
Speaker 3:I always try to befriend the guy, first as a friend, and then that way will give me like a scope of who they really are, because when you're friends with someone you don't have other intentions, at least from their side, if that makes sense. So like I get to know them as who they really are, or it's not like they're gonna sell me something or whatever, and then I like decide whether or not to pursue that. And then to answer your second question about green flags, I feel like it's very hard for me right now because I can't like go into a relationship because for like morals, culture, religion, I lack all of those. In a religious perspective, I'm not high on my dean or, if that makes sense, I'm not as religious as I want to be, so I can't expect that from another person. And then, with culture too, I would want someone within my culture. But I keep asking myself is it because why I want that, or is it what my family will approve?
Speaker 3:So it's a lot of things at this age where it's like I had this guy like a super sweet guy, I went to high school with him and he was super religious. I think he's studying to be a shaker, like he's just traveling, doing lectures like a saint. He's always had a crush on me and he's always oh, let's go get coffee. But I know who he is as a person and I just feel like I am the opposite end of that. I like shut him down because I know what he's looking for, like he's looking for a wife, he's working for his like other half, and I feel like I can't give that to a person, even though that's what I'm looking for. So it's like a weird space that I'm in. So now I'm like I don't want to do relationships until I have my goals done, and then I'm also like where I want to be, within my own village.
Speaker 1:How would you know when you've come to that destination where you can get up one day and say okay now, yeah, I feel like when I'm proud of myself, like when I'm proud of who I am.
Speaker 3:When I wake up and I'm like, okay, I love this Iman, iman has done this, iman has done that, she's working on this, that's when I know I feel like I am ready, because I feel like I am proud of myself. I want to bring this version of Iman to another person. The version now is like under construction and I want to be full and be proud of myself and contain all that before I present myself to the world.
Speaker 2:That's awesome. So far, we've been talking about how the other gender, how we can see and understand the red flags and green flags with the other gender, and what they are doing and how they are seeing and are moving in the world in the dating world.
Speaker 2:Now I want to bring it back to us. What do you guys want as a gender in our community and the youth and high school and college? How are we moving and how are our sisters moving? That is either maybe giving the wrong impression maybe you guys feel like I wish we weren't moving in such a manner or we are moving in such a manner. We're doing such a great job. I feel like some green flags.
Speaker 3:What I really am and proud of within our community is people in our team are like very religious or they're trying to be religious and with social media even though it might be fake or whatever I have a friend that I went to high school with. His name is Aziz, he's Palestinian and he's always playing the Quran and he's always reciting these verses and even it could be fake, it could literally be fake but seeing that makes me very oh, this is so beautiful. I like literally said, I was like this is so beautiful. You're like, I love how you're like motivating other people without even trying to and it makes me want to go listen to like movie mink or stuff like that. I feel like that's a very green flag and I love how our generation they're slowly like moving away from our parents, like religious structure that makes sense and then building their own and finding Islam on their own, if that makes sense.
Speaker 4:Going back to what Imang was saying, a green fact for me was just the fact that now girls are like pushing away the whole narrative that marriage is the ultimate goal. Girls now are like going to school for bigger and better things. So I feel like that's one of the biggest green flags, and not allowing these men to be as them. They're not like allowing that. They're leaving when they have the chance to. So I feel like props to them for that. I really can't think of a red flag right now. If they're on any there's, I can't really think that's good what about you?
Speaker 5:some green flags I've seen in the community and just women in general. I feel like there's this like a soft life that's been going around a lot. Soft life yeah, what is that? So a soft life is basically a person who just doesn't allow any negativity in their life. They just focus on peace and happiness. What brings them happiness? It's more about how you feel. For me, you just feel like a weight has been lifted. Almost you're just only trying to focus on yourself, trying to better yourself, trying to make yourself a better person, learn from what you've been through and like your mistakes and things like that. I feel like a lot of girls are going through like this awakening of just like realizing that a lot of these men are not what they seem to be and like it's not worth it. It's worth the weight honestly. So focusing on yourself and bettering yourself.
Speaker 6:I think a lot of girls and women feel this way in so many aspects of it and they feel like they're self-worth, who they are is attached to marriage, and marriage became this ultimate destination for you to get to. And when you get there, everything about life that you had to be taken care of, which is a lot of misconception and that can affect people's insecurity and self-esteem because then all the purposes that you're saying, like you graduate from college, you're getting this degree, the things that makes you fulfilled as a person, will be minimized because of the society that we are in and so creating those spaces for the girls like yourself. Who's saying you know what I want? Marriage, but it's not my ultimate purpose? Two things can be true at the same time I want the success to be a professional doctor inshallah, one day and then also, if I wanted to, I can have the marriage thing happen, but there shouldn't be ultimate pressure on me so like where's your checkbox that you need to complete to also add to that you can't look at it as a task.
Speaker 3:I rather wait 40 years and meet someone I truly love and marry them at 40 years old or 50 years old or 60 years old. Then just marry someone right now because it's completing half my dean or completing whatever task do you guys think that we're able to strike a balance?
Speaker 1:because I feel like there's two views on marriage that are almost clashing for us, that are a little bit older and then growing up in a family where, like, marriage was front and center for us, but I almost think that, for example, issomically right, there is a purpose and there's like a setup to the nuclear family and what men are supposed to do, what women are supposed to do, and it's almost prescribed. And then now we're growing up here in the western world where it's more individualistic, people are not thinking about the community and people are not thinking about, okay, my purpose in life as a woman to raise the next generation. That's not emphasized. You know what I mean. Are we able to strike that balance where I'm telling you this is not your self-worth, but then if we have all of us, all the sisters in our community, saying you know what, forget this, the men are not out there to treat me how I want and I'm looking for a soulmate, then what is the situation that we find ourselves in?
Speaker 3:I think you guys touched on this at your previous event I don't remember who said it but providing, like in Islam, there's actual gender roles, and as a husband and a wife, and so I don't think there can be a balance, because we live in a time where women can provide for themselves, so they're no longer need in need for a man anymore but that's one thing right.
Speaker 1:Yes, she does not need him to provide, but regardless of whether she is able to be a millionaire, he's responsible for the household bills so are you saying like he still has some kind of responsibility? Yes, yeah let's say I'm the CEO of a company and I make a six figure income and I'm able to juggle that and and all that stuff, and that's what I want to do. And then I go into a marriage. That's all mine. You know what I mean?
Speaker 2:yeah, and he's also still the head of the household. The balance already exists, because now a woman can go and be the CEO of a company, run her life, live her passion, be of use of service and do what she wants to, do, what tickles her fancy, and and still come home and be able to do that no clear family thing if she chooses to. And so I think that's the balance is that you have the opportunity and the ability to be able to do that, what you want, but you can come home and do this.
Speaker 3:I mean this is what I struggle with religiously, like I don't necessarily understand how can a woman be dominant and be outside or like her external life and then still come back? And then I don't understand how marriage needs to have one dominant role or one person to be that head of the household for marriage. If, once you start having a family, two people could be the head of the household, the two people can provide, especially during our time. This is what I struggle with religiously and I do want to find the answer to it. I don't necessarily agree that she could be the CEO in whatever business, run her own stuff, but then come home and then be like submissive to her husband. Some people want to do that. Some women want to like ease up and be like oh, like I'm dominant this, I like I'm a leader in this, I want to go home where I'm being, but there's some people that don't want that.
Speaker 2:But that's the thing too I guess I can personalize it a little bit with a little bit of anecdote is for us specifically. I think there's the false equivalency that you're making where head of household is dominant. For me, head of household means there's certain responsibilities that are prescribed for the guy he's dominant in that area. There's certain responsibilities and roles that is prescribed for the girl that she's dominant in that area. For example, in our household I've talked about it in previous episodes if you looked from the outside looking in, you wouldn't be able to say, oh, our father ran the house or our mother ran the house. From the outside looking in, or from the inside looking in. It looks like they're moving in tandem.
Speaker 2:But then if there is a possibility of veto in certain situations because he is the person that is responsible for the house and he is the one that is has to stand in front of Allah and say how did your household behave? Then you have to give him that power, for that veto power in certain situations. Of course there's debate, of course there's conversation, but I feel like there is a balance, because the world is not as rigid as it used to be, where women cannot go out and have a passion and live their life. They can do that, but they can come home and still do as you wish.
Speaker 6:I think also that conversation is you and your spouse can have it together, whoever you decide to get married to, and figure out how you guys wanted to divide the gender roles and the responsibilities. But there are certain things, like she said I just wanted to give the girls an opportunity to talk about this too but there are some responsibilities that are quit by a law of Allah the law that Allah has created, that has been implemented based on that. It's not cultural things, but the thing is that Islam is a very flexible religion, very flexible. You and your spouse can have this conversation how you guys want to navigate that and what are certain things that works for you and what are things that work for him as well.
Speaker 3:I have a quick question because I'm not again educated in this. So if a woman decides not to get married or doesn't end up getting married, even if it's not her choice, religiously speaking is that considered a sin or is there any consequence? If it's not considered a sin and if there's no consequences to that religiously speaking, why is it still kind of looked down upon when a woman wants to be independent and alone?
Speaker 2:It's not necessarily looked down upon, but if you think about it, everything has something that's praised, something that is a consequence or something that's punished. Right, there's a law that's oh, if you do this you get a scholarship, and if you do this you go to jail. And then if you do certain things you don't do either, it's just there. For example, from my understanding and you guys can correct me if this person has the desire that wants to get married and so on and so forth, and just doesn't get married, there is no consequence for that. I don't think that's a sin Culturally, yes, culturally. There's a lot of things that are wrong with our different cultures. Culturally might be, but I don't think religiously it's something that's looked upon. It's just it's what Allah prescribed for her, like for her life.
Speaker 3:I'll let you guys talk by bringing up the religious. Completing half your deen is the kind of pressure that's put on but it's brought up. There's that religious pressure.
Speaker 2:So it's almost like it's not supposed to be, that pressure exists regardless. You know what I mean. That's what I'm saying, even if nobody talks about it, nobody says it. As long as you're Muslim, that pressure exists. Again, like I said, Even in non-Muslims, and non-Muslims yeah, like that pressure exists.
Speaker 5:I feel like I really understand where she's coming from, just because I just see everything you're saying. I'm hearing it like two times. Basically it's weird because I'll literally hear my mom say things like when is the baby coming? When is the baby coming, tell my sister and stuff, and it's just, you are against this like strictly our whole lives. And then for her to hear that obviously after she graduates college, like so soon, she's like in a spot where she doesn't know what to do, like she feels like she's behind, she feels like she's not accomplished as everybody else and that maybe there's something wrong with her within the fact that she's not finding a relationship.
Speaker 2:So we can go back to the original question of what are the lists of like when you guys had looking for your ideal man?
Speaker 4:We don't really know what to look for If you're watching a movie, the romance taking out of dates, doing like the anniversaries and all that. But like coming from an ethnic house, I don't. We don't really know. So I feel like as I grow and have more experience throughout, I think I will get to know, but for the basics it's just as I said, with all the other morals that I was bringing up.
Speaker 1:Based on your experiences, your family, your backgrounds and all that stuff, would you say you would go into marriage early on or graduate, get your degree, then do the marriage thing.
Speaker 4:Right now. There was so many people that I've seen like my age right now 18, 19 year olds getting married, and I feel like right now I cannot see myself getting married. There's no way.
Speaker 4:There's no way I can see myself getting married Cause I feel like I don't know myself. I feel like it really just goes back to yourself. When you feel in tune with yourself, what your standards on stuff and your morals, values, the whole sort of where you want to be at, then I feel like I would be able to get to know somebody to that certain extent to get married to them. But I feel like if I don't know myself I wouldn't get in a relationship with somebody because I could allow them to alter myself to fit the relationship, to make it work.
Speaker 5:I think a marriage and a relationship is very far from each other almost. I think marriage is almost something that was put down in front of me from like where I come from and what I've been taught that like you just have to do it before you start a family. You have to like there's just no if and or but. You can't have a family before you get married With marriage. I just look at it like if it's at the right time, if it's with the right person, then there's in the right time. Like it doesn't really matter, but I would definitely wait. I would definitely wait.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but when I was in you guys' shoes I wasn't looking for marriage too. But then that one relationship I had at 18 senior in high school is my husband. I don't know, it's different. Yeah, I feel like times are very fast changing and I'm almost glad that I'm not dating now.
Speaker 4:I grew up in a girl household but the sister that I'm living with right now, I never really had a good connection with her. She just went to Africa, came back married, so I didn't know the whole process. It never really was brought to me. And my other sister, she's been in a relationship for five years, six years, like long, and I know the person and it's just, it's so different. One of my sisters, she got married quickly. She has a kid. The other one, she's been in a long, five year, six year relationship. So I don't know which route I would end up on.
Speaker 4:And my brother was actually vocal about the people he was talking to. Like even I was young I feel like I was like what, 13, 14, he's going to kill me. But the first relationship he was in that was actually serious. He was telling me, yeah, I'm trying to like get married to this girl. I think I had a conversation with her. I had a conversation with her and personally I didn't like her at the time.
Speaker 4:But things ended. He told me how I ended and I was just like okay, like that kind of allowed me to realize it's not going to always be that one person that you had that good relationship with and then the second time, now like he's married to her, has two kids, but their relationship has been beautiful. At first he kept it a secret but afterwards, like he talked highly of her, they both did talk highly of each other and just seeing, like how beautiful their family turned out to be and how much like they cared for, like their children, like it was just once again what Eman said, like just fresh eyes, like fresh things to see, it was beautiful. What do you guys?
Speaker 1:wish you knew, or looking five, 10 years from now. Where would you?
Speaker 3:see yourself. Insha'allah, five years from now, I will be graduating and getting my degree. So that's like my main goal right now. So I want to graduate in five years and get my degree. I feel like that's the biggest goal in my life right now.
Speaker 4:For me. I feel like I would be done with college. My four years probably try to get into law school. At that time I feel like I'm 23. I don't know, I would say it sounds like five years. Oh, maybe I would get married by then, maybe I would actually, maybe I would, maybe I wouldn't, but I would be open to the idea.
Speaker 5:I wouldn't like fully close myself off, because I've had this conversations with my friend where it was like, okay, either the degree or either your love life, and I don't know why we couldn't balance it out or something, but I just think it's that in five to 10 years I think I see myself in one of two places either the same situation as Imani and my sister, or there's a possibility I could see myself getting married in five years, like after I'm done with school and things like that. I think I'm a very spontaneous person. I would at mine, especially if I knew the person. There's variety where I could be in five years. I could be doing anything in five years.
Speaker 2:So my first question would be you mentioned balancing picky one or the other. Do you feel like that's something that's been pushed in our society and our community? Like you have to pick either marriage or your career, or you can do both.
Speaker 4:Yeah, study wise, it is finished school and then get married. But family wise, my family hasn't talked about marriage, like I never had a conversation about marriage, and so it was just truly from seeing from other people like other people were just like finishing their degree and then I don't know where, like their wedding is in the summer. It's just observation, more so than telling people like directly telling me.
Speaker 1:I also seen friends where, like they might have chosen marriage and then were mid degree or whatever, and it's 50-50 whether you finish or not, because you might have kids and then it's a whole biological thing that happens. So yeah, part of that too.
Speaker 3:Yeah, there is pressure from society to pick one, but realistically I feel like you can't have both, because you need to, can't or can't have both. You can't have both because it's hard, that's just too much on yourself and your family, your attention in school especially if you want to do graduate school it's going to be 100% on your education and that's going to take away from your attention, from your family or your husband or your kids, and that either causes you to lean one way or the other, or you lack a connection in your family or you don't do as well in classes and your four year like doctorate program is going to be five, six years. It won't fit. It's not that you can't do it, it's just it's going to be hard on the individual. So it's better to plan ahead and be like okay, do I want to get married or do I want to finish this program and then get married so I can completely focus on my family and all that.
Speaker 2:And I feel bad because I feel like every time you talk I'm like negating you in a way, but I'm not. I just want our audience to have two sides of the same conversation. But I agree to what you're saying about planning. Plan what you want from your life and goal in such a manner. But you can't plan a relationship, you can't plan love, you can't plan getting married, you can't plan finding the right person. You can plan the wedding, but you can't plan finding the right person. So I think, when you find the right person and you're like this is the person that I want to spend the rest of my life with, I don't think you should deter that for your career or for your relationship, for your career, for your school, because at the end of the day, like you just said, that doctorate degree might take five years instead of four, but you have that person that you are your soulmate, next to you and who cares if it took five instead of four?
Speaker 3:I'm just saying not fair on yourself and your family to do it. I feel like it's selfish for you to I'm not like attacking those people that do it. It's not fair for you Like you can't split yourself. You're not your one person and school is a lot like. School takes a lot out of you and you don't want to put all your energy. Come home and then have to deal with your kids. Do things. You still have to take care of your kids. You still have to get up, get, make them food, all that stuff. And if you want to talk about the prescribed roles, you also got to take care of the husband. You also have the roles in your house. So how can you do both? That's just so unfair to you and to your family, because then you start to have these like feelings or you start to almost hate one or the other. So it's not healthy.
Speaker 4:Eman is basically just saying power ties yourself before you even get to the point where you have to take care of another person. Eman, basically answering my question, why can't we have both? And I understand. And now, like it comes with the console, quest is either good or bad. Just as Bonnie was saying, you can either just be there with your soulmate and just grow and they could help you with your schoolwork or they could take some stress off your back. But then it could go to Eman's point of view where it's just okay. Now you're just like I love you, but you're like a burden kind of, because I need to do all this stuff so I could get somewhere that I want to get before I can even think of just being in this relationship with you.
Speaker 3:And the responsibility is, you give up the other person has to pick up too.
Speaker 2:That's marriage and that's also compromise. Everything that you're saying is right, everything that I'm saying is right, but it all goes down to context and who you're married to. When you're married, what your financial situation is. What breaks that you have, for example, cleaning the house and cooking. If you have the financial ability to get someone to help you out with that, because it takes a village right, you can get someone and do that, and because all I'm saying is the idea of it being selfish, it's not. As long as you can do it with moderation, and you could do it with purpose and you could do it with planning, I think you should be able. I don't want people to listen to this podcast and walk away thinking I have to pick or if I do both, it's selfish and it's not. That's all I'm saying. So each is all.
Speaker 6:Basically, yeah, I think that's what I'm getting from. What Iman is saying is that for her, she's not able to divide herself in two places at the same time, where she's not able to be the mothers that she wants to be, the wife she wants to be and then is still able to the medical school that she wants to do and the stress of balancing those two. There's going to be a lot of guilt and then shame around that she's going to feel for herself, which means that what I would say to the audience and yourself at least you know that that is a self awareness that you have. Bravo to you for that.
Speaker 6:Secondly, is understanding what works for you and what doesn't. Then you speak to the whomever that you married to. You say you know what, I'm not able to divide myself in so many places and if I focus my 100% in school, don't feel resentful towards me, because I'm letting you know, because the school is not hard. Right, you have to communicate to your spouse. You have to communicate to the person that you're talking to. You have to communicate in the relationship when it's starting. This is what I could do, this is what I can't do, and I know myself. I know my capacity. Does that make sense? So understanding those capacity, that helps. That being said, I want to wrap up our conversation. Lastly, is there anything else that a listener should take away from today's conversation?
Speaker 5:Just one thing If they get anything, it's just relationships and partnerships are all just focusing on yourself first, just doing what's best for you first, what works in your life and how you are maneuvering in life. It's never a rush for anything. There's always time. You have as much as time as you can get to do and accomplish anything. You're never behind and you're never ahead of anybody else.
Speaker 3:Prioritize yourself first, of course, your goals and your priorities. You should put that first and it's okay to accomplish that. And don't listen to family pressure, society pressure, because, at the end of the day, allah knows your intentions and Allah knows what's in your heart, and so don't feel obligated to do something because other people expect that from you.
Speaker 4:Going back to both what Layla and Iman were saying, basically what is self love? When you get to the point where you love yourself and you're aware of what you need and what you want from a person, you don't try to seek it and look for it in other areas. So when you get to know yourself as a person, I feel like that's when you should look for a partner and know what you want from a partner.
Speaker 6:Thank you so much for a difficult conversation and it was an honestly easy conversation and you guys did an amazing job talking about your experiences and the things that you, as a young adult, are going through and overcoming, and I appreciate all three of you guys for being here and thank you. Difficult conversation, thank you.
Speaker 1:Thank you. Join the conversation in the comments section or on our Instagram page to share with us what you think. We do not have all the answers and our biggest goal is to kick off and get the conversation going. May Allah SWT accept our efforts and use us as catalysts for change.