Difficult Conversations
Difficult Conversations
Season Four Finale
This episode focuses on setting goals and intentions for 2025, highlighting reflections on personal growth and the importance of accountability. We share personal aspirations and the struggle between motivation and self-sabotage while emphasizing the need for emotional safety in relationships and the impact of judgments in interpersonal dynamics.
• Reflecting on personal growth and lessons from 2024
• Setting realistic and accountable goals for the upcoming year
• The challenge of maintaining consistency and the impact of self-sabotage
• The significance of emotional safety in cultivating relationships
• Discussing judgments in cultural and faith-based contexts
• First impressions and their impact on relationships
• Sharing positive affirmations and hopes for one another
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Assalamu alaikum, welcome to Difficult Conversations where we tackle taboo topics in a safe space through empowerment and education.
Speaker 2:Hello everyone, welcome back to our final episode of season four. Um, like yesterday, um, or our last episode, we were talking about and we were doing a lot of reflection on how 2024 went, uh, individually, um, and also as a group and as a team, and how we were able to grow, thrive um, struggle through um 2024 and today, uh, I want us to start by having a conversation about 2025, what we hope to be, what we hope to do, what we hope it comes with changes we'd like to make, and so on and so forth. So let me throw it back to Apsharo how do you see your 2025 going? Or hope, inshallah, with the last night inshallah with.
Speaker 1:That's right. Um so I think like every year I do this and um so, like going back, I think we said uh on our last episode that like 2024 now, um, like a couple days ago I looked at our calendar because we have, uh, have you guys seen those like 12 month calendars that like are all spread out um heard about it. Yeah, no, I sent you a link last year or at the beginning of the year.
Speaker 1:Yeah, anyway, you said you were gonna get it for me oh yeah, sorry, but um, so I was looking back at like January and because we had written some things and, um, I felt like I was really good at like putting things on the calendar that I wanted to achieve and like six months in and then everything else was blank. So I think this year I really want to work on putting like three-month goals, six-month goals and 12-month goals and actually, like you know, being accountable whether if it's like telling somebody or whatnot I want to really keep myself accountable for that. That's what I said last year.
Speaker 1:Yeah, because I feel like like I don't know. I want to be that person that makes goals and crushes them. You know what I mean?
Speaker 3:Three-month goals yeah, a lot more tangible than like longer goals yeah.
Speaker 1:So I think this year I have one thing on there that we want to go back home, hopefully, uh, one ticket family trip, family trip to Ethiopia. Girl, this is my first time back. I don't know what about me. Um, I don't know. It's kind of it seems like a daunting experience, like yeah you know, yeah, I want to like visit where I was born.
Speaker 1:I have a lot of family back home. Oh yeah, I don't want to go with you. Yeah, sorry, um. And then the three things I want to focus on is self-care, self-improvement and self-discipline. Yeah, so those are. Those are my big things.
Speaker 2:What does discipline look like for?
Speaker 1:you, I think I was talking to a friend of mine and, um, what she does is impressive because, like she homeschools and she has her whole day, like um, blocked out. You know she has, like in the morning she'll get up, you know, and she sent me her screenshot. Uh, you know she has, like in the morning she'll get up, you know, and she sent me her screenshot.
Speaker 2:Uh, you know what time she gets up, how much time she allocates to the kids. Yeah, oh, sorry, sorry, I saw it. I I got like exhausted just looking at it. It's so impressive, but it works for her right. Yeah, it works though no, no, I'm not being critical, I'm being like yeah yeah it's, it's really amazing, um.
Speaker 1:We're like to have your time, you know, like sliced up, like that, you know, um, and so I tried to do that and I realized that there's a lot of time that I just waste, you know, whether it's like on my turkish dramas or like you know, and all that stuff so, oh, that makes sense.
Speaker 2:That's why you like turkish people yeah, that's what started it all, huh yeah, I love, yeah, anyway.
Speaker 1:So I really just want to be intentional with my time, because you know there are certain projects that I want to get into, um, certain things that I want to take on, and at the beginning of the I do this thing where, like, I sign up for a bunch of courses you know, like um, I signed up to um learn about AI, to do better with AI. So that's a whole course in itself. Um, how to do some like online um, businesses or whatever. So I sign up for these things, but I think my follow through is not great. So that's what I want to work on what about you?
Speaker 3:I honestly don't know. I was just telling you guys, I don't. I really don't know next year plan looks like. I know for sure that I want to try things that I've been wanting to. I've been saying that I want to do, um, I just want to focus on that, like, for example, I want to do boxing. I want to do, I want to do more traveling, as always, because I do enjoy that but going maybe different continent in that set of country, um, but I don't have yet like a practical, distinguished plan about anything yet. But one thing for sure I want to stay consistent. So consistency more than motivation, that's what I was told not to do. Don't look for the motivation to do things, just do it consistently.
Speaker 1:You'll get there eventually. Yeah, it's so hard to be consistent though. Yeah, yeah, cause I think yeah, I self-sabotage a lot Like I'll be consistent for a week and then the following week I'll be like worse than I was on Monday.
Speaker 3:Yeah, so that's why I remember when I said yesterday previous episode, which was yesterday when we recorded is I said that at least I want to go to the mosque twice a month.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 3:Because I feel like that's doable, versus saying I'm going to be at the masjid every Friday around this time. Because then that commitment that you make to yourself, you feel so guilty and there's so much shame around not being able to complete some things successfully. And I feel like, because I've been talking about things that I want to do for so long that I haven't I've been just doing the talking, not the implementation, and staying consistent with it. And then I'm realizing there's a lot of shame and guilt comes within myself. The inner critic is telling me that look how much you're talking, you're not doing anything. It's basically so loud and so it feels defeating. So this year, even though me and my friends had like a vision board party, I did the vision board and I'm looking at it, but at the same time I feel like, even with that, I want to be like, I'm a little bit of like. Can I actually do it? There's that fear already there. So it's like, okay, the vision board is there, the idea is there.
Speaker 1:Let me just see what I can get to by being consistent versus trying to make a commitment to something that I'm eventually gonna you know, so do you have, like, what are two things that you want to do on that vision board or like, because I feel like sometimes I do that too, where I was like you can't do it anyways, or whatever yeah, I'm not doing anything yeah, then you feel defeated, and then you see other people do it so well.
Speaker 3:You're like see, look, there's so much better than you.
Speaker 3:What are you doing? So? Obviously there's spirituality, there's physical health, there's relationships, there's family and there's a community. There's a new one. I want community, and I think those are the five areas of things, and there's also career focus, finances and um areas that you can improve better.
Speaker 3:I did one thing for sure this is a big one for me for coming here I want to shop less and I also want to get rid of more of the things I I hate how much clutter my closet is right now, and I also want to shop quality versus quantity, and if it means that I have to spend more money on like name consistent jacket or shoes, I'd rather do that, and I'd rather have like three quality shoes and kill that and then buy another one because that one is broken or something happened to it. Buy another one because that one is broken or something happened to it, because I really I like I'm trying to find um like a homeless shelter. I don't want to take anything to thrift stores because I've learned so much thing about that that I'm not. I don't want to do but I want to learn I take a lot of stuff.
Speaker 3:I know tiktok university, so what I've learned that a lot of the thrift store stuff, product that you said you it to them. There are people who take that and take it to like I'm putting this in quotation people are just listening to this third world country and then they're making business out of it and they're getting wealthy out of that. But it's like you're taking it to thrift store to help people who are in need. But there are people becoming millionaires out of the things that you're selling at thrift stores. So they buy from here and they take it to like Africa, south America and then who pays for it? The government, no individuals. They go import and export.
Speaker 3:So they sell it basically.
Speaker 2:They sell it yeah.
Speaker 3:They sell your stuff, but you're giving it for free and they're making money on it.
Speaker 2:That is free and they're making money on it, but that is a smart business. It is.
Speaker 3:It is, but at the same time, yes, exactly that's where my my principle is telling me not to like give it to people actually use it here, versus people who say, like salvation army does that, you know, you can do that like goodwill.
Speaker 1:does that you can like send a tank or whatever back home, fill it with supplies.
Speaker 3:I would love to do that as a non-profit that I don't want to make money off. Yeah.
Speaker 1:Does that make sense? You just have to cover shipping, because I know my husband and a bunch of his friends did that with medical supplies, and then I think it cost him $20,000 for the big container. And then they just fundraised and stuff and sent it oh man, yeah, and then I think it cost them like $20,000 for the big container.
Speaker 3:Yeah, and then they just like fundraised and stuff and sent it. Oh man, yeah, so yeah, decoloring my closet, yeah, allah, help me. Stay consistent on that. That's what I'm going to focus on. I said a lot but it sounded like I didn't have any plan. But it's a plan that is not commit to.
Speaker 1:No pressure that is not commit to.
Speaker 2:Yeah. So no pressure, no pressure, no, exactly. What about you, bonnie? I love it whenever it's like you throw it back to me and I'm like thanks, you don't have like all these things.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah I my 2025. Um, there's a lot of like internal work I plan on doing inshallah, and then there's a lot of like actual, actual, actual things that I want to be able to do. Um, the first thing is I want to be very a lot. I want to be nicer to myself, like. I want to be like more kinder, kinder and like giving myself a little bit more grace, because one one of the things, um, I learned in 2024 is that I kind of like what it's called.
Speaker 2:I count myself out of things like really fast. I would be like I told you guys about the classes, right, the two classes that.
Speaker 2:I almost dropped out of before and I'm just like I can't do this. I get into it thinking I will, I can do this in the middle of it because I have a procrastination and stuff like that. I'm like I can't do this in the middle of it because I have a procrastination and stuff like that. I'm like I can't do this. My brain doesn't work like this. La, la, la la, and then I end up crushing the class.
Speaker 2:So I um doing it very well, mashallah so I, I'm, I'm gonna be kinder to myself um and speak positive, positive positivity into my actions and in, so that's that it sounds like opposite of what I said but yeah. I love that for you so that's my first internal work. Um my second thing I I am also. I love getting rid of things. That's like my favorite thing to do is like I love a minimalistic home, I love a minimalistic lifestyle, my closet, I want to get rid of more things. So similar to you.
Speaker 2:I love, like when I clean things, my husband's mother always is like why are you getting?
Speaker 1:you know, I'm just like because you know older people. They like to hold on to things I think I rarely throw things away honestly, oh my god that's my favorite activities, can I tell you?
Speaker 3:guys, something about that holding on to things, not getting rid of things, which is that's a trauma response.
Speaker 1:No, it's just it is we hoarding time. I just don't have the time to go through and like especially the kids toys like I. First we started with like the corner of their room. Now it has invaded our like living space upstairs.
Speaker 3:It's different. So that's different, though I'm talking about, like us holding on to something from 2000. Yeah, 2003.
Speaker 1:You know what I mean. Like those things, like when.
Speaker 3:I got married 20 years ago, like when you're holding on to things like 20 years ago, that it doesn't have any sustainable memories attached to it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, some of them are like sentimental Some of them are Two different things, by the way, it's not saying two different things.
Speaker 3:By the way, it's not, I mean like if it doesn't have sentimentally, like pictures and or like art or things like really tangible things that attach memories to. But sometimes we even hold on to shoes that like, oh, this was my shoes that I wore to this event and it's. I'm like, yes, it is great, but you have a thousand shoes, so, anyway, keep going.
Speaker 2:Sorry no, no, no. I I am right there with you, like because there's there I used to, when I first got married and had kids and stuff like that. I used to hold on to a lot of my like clothes of my heydays, my skinny days, um, and then, uh, I was like you know what I? I, I don't, I literally don't own anything older than two years old because, I one.
Speaker 2:I was like, even if I, you know, lose all the weight and get back to that body, my style is probably not similar to then yeah so therefore, I'm probably not going to want to wear those things. Um, and then if it's like clothes or like if it's shoes or whatever, and I know like there's so many like emotions attached to it because of like how that dress made me feel how that shoot made me feel right, like wear or walk.
Speaker 2:But I'm just like you know what? Because the thing is I'm I don't, I this might be an ADHD thing, but I'm not diagnosed, so I don't know but I, whenever things get cluttered, whenever I can't be like, okay, these are the things that I have and this is the thing that I wear, I get really like my brain gets cluttered.
Speaker 1:Does that make?
Speaker 2:sense. So like um if like for the kids toys, I know that they use the same 15, 10, 20 toys over and over again, so with them, I don't throw them away, I just box them and put them in the basement out of and then I just in case, if they want something new or whatever, I'll go back and grab a couple and I make sure I like turn it around, you know, and so on and so forth, so that we don't keep buying things um.
Speaker 2:But like normally, kids get hyper fixated on specific toys for a very long time so I just do that with me, the same thing. I put it in a luggage, put it downstairs and then, if I feel like, oh you know, I want a long dress or whatever, I want to.
Speaker 2:You know, when you want to go to a wedding or something and you're like, oh, I want a fancy dress, I'm like, okay, let me go downstairs see what I have, and then, if I, don't I usually forget about those, though, like the ones you put in the suitcase.
Speaker 2:Yes, yeah, so my rule is actually I learned this from my aunt is that if I didn't go back to that box in a year time, that box has to go. So if I don't like I, if I don't have, if I don't go back in it, sometimes two years. But if I don't go back in two years because um time I start out like I don't even open that luggage so yeah, um, but so that's my thing too. I would love to do that. One thing I'm really really excited about is, um, I want to start traveling again.
Speaker 2:I think I got hit by the travel bug this year, traveling a lot. Me and my husband keep talking about you know what? We're not like. We can't. If we don't find babysitters, it's okay, you go, I'll come back. I go, you come back, I'm going to switch. So we'll see how that goes. I want to travel a lot. I want to travel a lot. I want to go back to school. I'm true, in school, I know, but I signed up for another degree I just enrolled into another program mashallah, mashallah.
Speaker 1:I wish I had that uh no, you don't understand school, are you?
Speaker 3:gonna be. Is there like a timeline? I know because I'm curious now because I think ever since we are started this podcast, you've been in school, yeah, this whole time, yes, between undergrad. So how many degrees you have?
Speaker 2:now, so I I basically have my MBA now okay and then I am going. I'm in my second year of my well, I'm going to start my second year um this December finishes. I'm going to start my second year of my master's in clinical psychology, but it's an accelerated course, so by the time I'm done with this year, the next year it starts being um, a quote like um a thing, uh, what's called uh, cohort, not cohort, it's a combination classes of phd classes and master's classes so technically, I'm going to be a phd program next year in clinical psych, in clinical psych, okay.
Speaker 2:And then this semester I enrolled in a master's in human resource uh management, uh program. So I my eyes Management program.
Speaker 3:So I, my eyes are puffy.
Speaker 2:So it's like three different programs Three different programs yeah so master's in human resource program.
Speaker 1:And.
Speaker 2:I should be starting that In the fall of In the fall of this year.
Speaker 1:What brought? What brought about the human resources?
Speaker 2:Well, I thought I was going to fail out of this class.
Speaker 1:So I was like Plan B, action B and then I was like, oh, but now you're passing, do you still want to do human resources?
Speaker 2:because I I also have been thinking a lot about like going to a different country and living in a different country, um the more, especially kids. My kids are going to school and I have been having nightmares about school shootings and so on and so forth in the states. So I want to make sure I raise my kids somewhere else. And living like being in Medina for 10 days.
Speaker 3:It was like this is what you need to be. This is where I want to be, so.
Speaker 2:I want to. I want stuff that's travelable. Like you know, I want a degree that I can. So I hear you yeah so um I, when I was in Makkah, I was doing a lot of research on like business, like um jobs that, uh, you know I can do for expats, yeah, and so human resource was a lot. There was a lot of thought uh, obviously psych, but psych, I'm probably going to be in school for the next five years.
Speaker 2:Five to six years so, um, I'm just like until this comes and I can use that to like you know, travel and work.
Speaker 1:Yeah, no, I think I think you'd like it. I think, family, what? Like raising a family? Probably Saudi Arabia is the best place you can raise your kids. Yeah, yeah, it's such a like, a wholesome environment yeah, definitely it was.
Speaker 2:It was a whole new experience of peace for me. I, my brain was quiet, I and I loved, like our medina does that to you medina.
Speaker 2:I loved.
Speaker 2:Medina was like I.
Speaker 2:The only way I can explain it is like I remember the first and if people feel some type of way about this, I don't know, but like the first time when I was a kid, when I went to the Redawa and there was this feeling of Raha, like going from Addis Ababa to the Redawa, at that time it was very different. It was like the Redawa people were just Raha, they just moved and like they kind of floated, felt like yeah and yeah, and you hear like there's there were so many masjids around and you just hear the adhan, you know, and everybody just wore hijab and it was like, or like you know, the fota and they had their, the shita, and it just felt so like one, you know, and warm and warm too, and at this physically, what, real, what, what? But warm metaphorically and warm too but um, and so when I went, when I was in medina, actually I I can genuinely say, because normally when I walk into a room here I am very much aware of my race I'm very much aware of my religion.
Speaker 2:I'm very much scanning the room to see who's an ally and who's foe. I am choosing my words to see, um, like, how I can get my point across without tipping some, you know, some sort of um racial line or some sort of racial line or some sort of whatever you know, because I just want to do my job and get out of there Right.
Speaker 2:So, being there, I honestly can say I experienced, like Malcolm X's experience of like not seeing people through color and like just being able to interact with people um and and having experiences um humanity to humanity and like humans to humans, and it was just so I I don't know, it was so beautiful. I remember seeing a bunch of celebrities there, like you know. We saw um sean king and we saw like oh, did you see sean king?
Speaker 1:because I was. I was watching his live when you guys were there.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, so jaylan actually they took pictures and they had a whole conversation as he, like I saw his wife, but I I didn't even feel the need. Normally I'm like, oh, I want to like. I'm not a celeb person, but I'm more of like oh, I want to like, yeah, especially like someone like shankin. I want to like exchange ideas, I have thoughts and you're just too focused on your own. Yeah, and I saw some the supermodel that was there and I was like wow, that's so cool. And I think it.
Speaker 1:I think it does that like medina, like because it's but in makkah as well too. But I think you feel it a little bit more in medina I think, you feel?
Speaker 3:yeah, excuse me, you feel prophet's dua for medina as exactly how you imagine that to be, and more when you're there physically, because, first of all, medina is very slow, very calming and very like you go with the flow and it's it's. People are also a little bit different in medina but, then you go to makkah.
Speaker 3:It just feels like everything's rushed, yeah, hustle and bustle it's like, it's like, it's like that, and even like in the Kaaba areas and the malls there's malls literally across the street, yeah, and so it's like, yeah, I do feel the same way about Medina. Medina is the way Prophet Muhammad sallallahu wasallam said is how much the heart of Medina, of the people of Medina, is way different, and you don't get annoyed with it too like no, because.
Speaker 1:I think, like in reality, when I was there, because it was slow and like and stuff like that, I kind of got really annoyed because, coming from here, where, like it's, you're going, going and you know you go to like a what is it called? Um, like a queue or whatever, and you want everything to go and it's like just like not really orderly, it's not it's there's no lines.
Speaker 1:Yeah, there's no lines and stuff like that. And so I think for the first um week, and I like it really hit me hard, but in Medina it's like you, it's just, it's a heart you literally let it go yeah, you let go of your personality, you're like.
Speaker 2:That's how I felt. I felt like um in Medina, the, the place, the soil challenged you to be a better version of yourself. Yeah, this like the soil. I say the soil because each the minute you get in, yeah, it's just, there's just I don't know, and I'm not like rainbows and butterflies.
Speaker 3:It is actually.
Speaker 2:It really feels so calming, feels so serene. It feels like you're so clear about your purpose. There you get a lot of clarity. Yeah, a lot of clarity. You don't care, I didn't care who was wearing what, I didn't care. You know, normally people are like so-and-so, has something fly and also the feeling of being around people that have the gloves, and you're just like this is not weird.
Speaker 3:No, sorry, it's okay, you okay, yeah, I'm okay.
Speaker 2:I don't know why I'm beating your arm. You want my water?
Speaker 1:No, it's okay.
Speaker 2:You want my water?
Speaker 1:No, no, it's okay. You want my coffee? I'm okay. No, I'm okay, you sure. Yeah, I'm getting over like a sore throat type of thing.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 1:I was not going to drink after you, but I was going to give it to you.
Speaker 2:I was like do you really want me to drink your water? Yes, you can drink it, I just can't.
Speaker 3:Thank you so much for sharing, Bonnie, about your future endeavors and experiences and the things that you have planned to do, and it sounds like mashallah, like everything else you're going to do incredible. Well, and I think it's going to be amazing and if Shiro sounds like your goals for next year, 90-day period is probably going to be successful.
Speaker 3:Yes it's going to start in a week, but think the the commitment that you have to that 90 days is gonna be the things that's gonna drive you to stay consistent with it. So I'm inshallah, I'm gonna. I'm looking forward to you telling us an update on how you do with that too you gotta keep me accountable, I gotta keep you accountable, I got you, I got you um, so we can definitely do that, so anyway. So in that case, what are we shifting to today's conversations?
Speaker 2:Oh, so are we doing the first thing or the second thing, either, or whatever you want to do, bonnie? Oh, I'm excited about it All right. So you know, our producer was kind of talking about how we haven't talked about how we met the first impression, first impressions, first impressions how we met First impression, first impression, first impressions, and so I thought that was a really cool thing to talk about what our first impressions of each other was, and then we should get into what we plan on doing In our next endeavor.
Speaker 1:As difficult conversations you can start, bonnie, you seem really excited.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I know. No, I just I genuinely think that, like first, I'm someone that goes with my gut often, and normally things go south when I don't go with my gut. So I think that was the habit. I think your work had a you came and coated candy like I can't.
Speaker 1:I think you guys both did, because everybody it's an introvert thing, I feel like kind of well, no, I mean.
Speaker 2:What I mean is that, like everybody that I knew at the time was talking so greatly about the habe, the habe was like the poster child.
Speaker 3:Oh, my god, I'm so sorry no, no, no, that is so that they put me on that doesn't exist.
Speaker 2:You never failed, though, that's so, that's great you.
Speaker 1:Please don't say that you never failed that, but you guys have known each other. How long have you guys known each other Since I came to this country?
Speaker 2:Yeah, oh, okay.
Speaker 1:So that's why I'm always third wheeled.
Speaker 2:Where I wouldn't be like, where I can't say that, so where? Okay, karla.
Speaker 1:That's a lie. There's a lot of history. We both were like I'm the third exactly, there's a lot of history here though you know, and I think there's like a cultural context too for you guys a little bit maybe not really, because I am an addis girl and I'm hotter, but I'm an addis girl.
Speaker 3:My personality is more I feel like, even though her families are like part of her families, are grown like her aunt and uncles, like all raised in Addis and grow up there, there's part of them are hotter too, but because they grow up in Addis, there's a lot more attachment to Addis than it is hotter.
Speaker 1:Yeah, like that's your first identity, yeah as like at this site or whatever yeah.
Speaker 2:I mean yeah, yeah, because we it's. It's different when you meet someone from and their aroma is just so different.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think you immediately become friends cousins and, uh, this and stuff like that, but yeah, the little impression of seem like they're.
Speaker 2:They're kind of stuck up no, is that what it is like? No, I at least.
Speaker 1:People are not compared to other, or almost, though, like in relation to other I mean, it depends.
Speaker 2:It depends, all right, like it depends on, like I'm gonna have. Yeah, you know like well, you know that kind of like well, I think actually at these people, that are these people I knew and these people I grew up around, right, uh, because I can't speak for everybody, but it at least. People tend to be a lot more open-minded and we are. Oromuma is like it's. It's here because most of the time we had to like we, we code, switch and we play, run our first languages and all of these things?
Speaker 2:yeah, because some of them don't even know Oromo. That's what I'm saying. That's why I think it's so wrong. But then when anybody says anything about like Oromo people, we're there to pop off like we're more, but you don't know the language that's not our fault, though it's the same as raising kids in the west that doesn't speak Oromo and the thing is too I don't know how it is now right, because I'm like 20-something years removed from there now, but when I was there, amharic was the working language. It's the main language.
Speaker 3:It's the main language, it's the working language, it's like English.
Speaker 2:Yes and it was equated with intelligence. So if you wanted your kids to do well in school, you had to teach them Amharic and they had to be fluent in Amharic, and there was a big bias against the accent of Oromo. And not just Oromo, if I have to be honest in any other language. So if you spoke Amharic, with having a different accent, you were considered to be illiterate Not someone that doesn't speak the language, but illiterate.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so you know if your parents were born there. I mean not born there, but if your parents raised you there. They want the best for you. Therefore, they focused on your Amharic, you know learning and Amharic studies more than and they normally used Oromifa to hide things from you.
Speaker 3:So you learned Oromifa in that way. So they spoke automifa in the house to kind of so uh, but that, but you just that part, yeah, that part. I feel like I need so much time and energy to process it?
Speaker 2:yeah, it's a process, and I'm that also gives you, because you are your best when you are. Always your back is against the wall and you're fighting for something. So when people think you're less than. That's why I say these people at Oromoma is like in our gut, in our blood, hopefully, hopefully a little bit of that has changed. I was saying a statement.
Speaker 2:First of all, let me finish my statement, hopefully a little bit of that has changed no yeah, but what I was going to say was that we are, we feel out Oromoma very much. We are very protective of it. We fight for it all the time versus people like you that grew up in there.
Speaker 1:But I will say that I mean, I didn't grow up back home, though I think I left when I was like five.
Speaker 2:So I'm saying, yeah, like when people, when you grow up, even here, if you think about it, like if you grew up in Minnesota and you see you're used to seeing a lot of hijabis, a lot of verses yeah, versus some other place, yeah you don't appreciate it as much as you know, or the comfort of that yeah so yeah, but so our experiences, our personalities are a little bit different than, but you know, obviously we're a little bit more closer because we're there's a harder side and there's a family link right yes, yeah, yeah yeah.
Speaker 2:So what I was gonna say was that the habe was very much like oh, it's so so great, habe is the person to be. Everybody loved habe and I was like, oh, that's so cool and I I didn't think I was gonna like her.
Speaker 2:And then I met her and I just loved her and I was like, oh my god, and I used to tell everybody, can I say this, okay? So I used to tell everybody, like when everybody, because I I had a lot of friends, for some reason I was friends with the people older than me, um and um, I they would be like, oh, that would be so pretty, like let me holla at her. I was like, nah, she's way out of your league, bro. I was like she's way out of your league, like. So I had, I had like this pedestal for the hubby and alhamdulillah, I feel like sometime you made people fall in love with me because the way you talk about me to them I swear, I swear.
Speaker 3:And the people that she hanged out with, I'm like they already have this thing when I meet them and I'm like you don't even know me, why are you, but like you do that a really good job with that yeah with, like all of your friends, if you like yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:If I don't like them, I do that too. No, no, I think yeah.
Speaker 3:So I mean back then it was just like weird for me, because I'm like I'm already timid and very quiet person and then all of a sudden, like there's people or bubbly friends are like yeah, it's like how okay. And then, and then she introduced me and she says those same thing and I'm like that's why they're like they're acting this way.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I feel like the only time that I really was like was I had a crush on somebody and that person had a crush on her, and then I would be in the same room together because like no, and then I would be like they're talking too much and I didn't know that and that's weird.
Speaker 3:But then eventually, the more the person got comfortable with me, the more I realized like, oh, I need to distance myself from this place yeah, I thought it was their friend, yeah, and I'm just kind of like, okay, come in, hey, hello, kind of thing. Yeah, then I'm like, oh, this person is getting too comfortable here, so I need to leave.
Speaker 1:Then I leave and go downstairs usually. Yeah, I think it goes back to the guys and girls friends thing we talked about.
Speaker 2:Well, no, that was an exception to the rule.
Speaker 1:But, the. Apsuro there's no such thing.
Speaker 2:I mean, I mean Haya, haya, go ahead. I mean you can talk about this. What was your first impression of me? First impression of Apshido, so when? Because I met you through my husband's family, husband's family. Yeah, and also the same thing Everybody was talking about. Oh, apshido is Miss, okay Everything. She's so zen, she's so chill and she's so like she just says okay to everything she never, like, argues back.
Speaker 2:She never like okay to everything. She never like argues back, she never like turns into. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. No, they said it for adults, for older people. That's the best thing ever. They see you as like this problem solver. That doesn't make anything a big deal, that's just like solves the problem it rolls off, rolls off your back, kind of thing so I was like, oh, she's so cool, la, la, la la.
Speaker 2:And then uh, but then I had no interest in making friendship because I was like I. I was told like in-laws are in-laws yeah, like yeah till this day I don't think I actually meet. She's the only person that I'm close to from yeah, and it's, and it's weird too.
Speaker 1:No, it's not weird, but it's just like I don't know, and they're like your friend, that like your friend yeah, no, no, no, like now I'm like, okay, yeah, she is, yeah, well are they mad that they're not friends with them too.
Speaker 2:No, I don't think it's that way I think I think there is there's aspects of like, because first it was like oh, absharharo is their Apsharo, and now she's my Apsharo, and then I don't know how, if that's that is that a healthy jealousy, then at the same time, there are people I think the Apsharo is literally the exception. I don't and not. There's nothing wrong. Everybody's amazing, great people you know, I my personalities. I'm very protective of like relationships and the way you protect relationships. Sometimes it's not, is not getting too comfortable with each other and having that line of respect.
Speaker 2:So I want to make sure I do that, because you don't want to get into murky waters with in-laws. So I met. My husband and her husband are also really close friends, so they invited us for dinner to their apartment.
Speaker 1:It was early on, right Early on, when you guys got married.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, we were in our apartment too, yeah. And then I met you and I didn't put two and two together, I didn't put the Apsuro that I was hearing about and then the Apsuro that I met two together.
Speaker 2:I didn't put the upshur that I was hearing about and then I'm sure that I met, so, um, the person that I met I was like you actually reminded me of I think I told you this before you reminded me of this lady um that I really, really loved in in kenya. She was like so sweet, she was like a little bit like she was just I don don't know, she was just so cool.
Speaker 1:So cool. I think it's rose colored glasses.
Speaker 2:No, no, no, no, she means real. I told you then and I remember I was like, wow, she looks like this lady so much and you were talking and you're so Zen and I I was very careful and and then I just kept pushing because I was like I have no interest. And then you invited us to. When you came back we were at our house, I think.
Speaker 1:When you came back, because I think we met and then I left.
Speaker 2:Yeah, we met and you left and I left. Yeah, and when you came back, it was like a year, like almost two years in between, yeah, and then, when you came, back.
Speaker 1:You invited us to you like I'm absolutely craving lobsters, so let's go have lobsters at shake shack. Oh, yes, I remember that. Yeah, so we remember, isn't that great? But yeah.
Speaker 2:And then I was like oh yeah, yeah and I was like, oh she, but okay, cool, like let's go. And then you invited us something else again and then I was like, okay, cool, I was still very like I don't know if I yeah I was very cautious, um, and then I was like, and then I don't know what happened.
Speaker 1:To be honest, after that, I think I think what it was is um, I was also cautious and the thing is that I don't I don't necessarily go 10 toes deep with people.
Speaker 3:I don't know. You know, like I, it's like what the sheikh said last time we met him. Like you know the Arab, like you have to let things grow, yeah, yeah, so.
Speaker 1:I don't like first impression or not. First impression I'd be like, oh yeah, she seems like a cool person and you know my husband and your husband are friends.
Speaker 2:But like I didn't have like a good or a bad, like, oh, she was good or she was bad. Oh my, when you met me.
Speaker 3:Yeah, when I met you, is that just her or just this? How you do with everybody? I think that's just how I do. So you start with neutral and then you're allowed to think, to develop with you yeah, but you didn't start neutral.
Speaker 2:You got to neutral, I got to neutral.
Speaker 3:Let's tell the truth oh okay, I missed out hard no, but I.
Speaker 1:but I think it was like um, she came with preconceived notions. It wasn't really preconceived notions, but it was just like, oh, like he married like Bonnie and she used to be a model. Yeah, like da-da-da-da, that's what they were saying. Yeah, or whatever.
Speaker 3:Like I think, Bonnie, you are so misunderstood.
Speaker 2:Yeah, because there's a, it's okay, but misunderstood. Yeah, because there's there's a there it's okay. But yeah, go ahead, finish your thought it's not okay. No, no, no, no. I am so like, okay, okay with it now because, it's not okay that that happened, but that I'm so okay like it doesn't bother me anymore because yeah I think.
Speaker 1:But I don't even remember like where I got it from. It was just like in the ether, like it was just there I'm talking about the ether, not even the ether that.
Speaker 3:Can you guys please quantify what you guys are talking about so that people know like, no like as your personality, right, you personality like, because you're you're bubbly and you're like very friendly and very like. That's what happened.
Speaker 1:That's what happened.
Speaker 3:It's okay, like it's because you're friendly.
Speaker 1:You're open.
Speaker 3:And you're like very hospital and like you bring everybody in. Yeah, there's an assumption that everybody has without knowing you.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I think that's what I mean by that. When you meet people and I think we talked about this when we went on our trip to Cancun, I don't know if I remember like I think for you as a first impression, like you would tell people you give a lot of people ammunition.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, because I'm just like, I'm open, I'm just yeah you're very open.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, yeah, and sometimes I think that can be taken as like, oh, like, can you, like she tell me a, b and c or whatever blah blah, you know what I mean, yeah does that make sense kind of no, no, just talk freely I'm yeah she's like why are you filtering?
Speaker 1:just say I'm not filtering, though. All I'm saying is that, like, okay, all I knew was that he, like my husband's friend, married um, you, a model, a model, or like you know somebody that um does poetry slams. Yes, actually, the first time I did see you was at mass ikna, where you recited the hijab poetry. Yeah, um, but then, and I don't think you had got married to your husband yet, no, and so then, after the wedding, I put two and two together.
Speaker 1:I was like, okay, that was her you know, what I mean yeah, yeah, so that was the first impression and then, and two together, I was like, okay, that was her. You know what I mean, yeah, yeah. So that was the first impression. And then I met you and I was like, okay, yeah, she seems cool. And then we became friends.
Speaker 3:I swear to God Such a lie I swear to God I wouldn't lie.
Speaker 1:I wouldn't lie. Okay, anyway, anyway, but yeah, anyway, but yeah, but yeah. Then we, then we became friends and now it's like I don't know and, honestly, like you know, I this is like new territory of having like really good friends in my 30s that, like I know closer to you guys, because we've kind of created this comfortability and like safe space of, like you know, um, sharing things and stuff like that. And I think, and I think that, like a lot of people, maybe even in my community, I'm just, I'm just really like closed off. Yeah, you know what I mean. Like I don't. I have very few people I would say in my life that I I'm super, super open with does it come?
Speaker 2:you know, I'm, I'm like that. No, but that came from the ether, responding to my openness no, I think.
Speaker 1:I just I think that we went um, I kind of explained some of this in our like season a couple of seasons ago that, like, growing up, like in our family, there's just this big fear of like, like friendship, and that there's no such thing as like a, like, a really deep friendship, yeah, that you can have. You know, um, and like I remember my mom always saying like, um, she would say to herself like oh, I don't need friends. Or like you know, like I could do it all by myself.
Speaker 3:And like you know um, by the way, this, that episode is season two and season three, so if you want to listen to the friendship, episodes yeah, so so yeah, yeah, no, I, I that's.
Speaker 2:I feel like you guys kind of came in like with that in mind, of like when you guys were navigating the world. You're like, oh you know, I want to make sure I create boundaries and barriers so that I protect myself. I was just like here I am, take me take me as I am and I was like you know what? No, not everybody gets access, not everybody deserves access to my personality and who I am, so I can mirror whatever know what?
Speaker 2:no, not everybody gets access, not everybody deserves access to my personality and who I am yeah, so I can mirror whatever the heck you want me to mirror and to like feel comfortable with you to know who I am yeah you know what I mean.
Speaker 2:So um, there's a lot of like. I actually was having a conversation with somebody about like, uh, my um, but before, yeah, like, about like what they thought and so on and so forth. And there's this idea and I think this is a really good time because I tell you to say, because I feel like there is a learning lesson here where we demonize and I use that word very, very carefully people that don't wear hijabs and we equate that with palaguma, yeah, um, and we equate that with palaguma, yeah, and with me. Anyone that that has known me in my life knows like I was the prude person in my family and my friend group. I was the person that they they were more like afraid to tell like what if they were doing something like not okay yeah, than their own parents.
Speaker 2:Like my friend tiff, she used to be like Bonnie.
Speaker 2:You're so much more stricter than my mom, like I was that person from middle school till you know, whenever and so, and there's also this concept, this idea that, like, my husband made me religious, which is like bs, you know mashallah, he's like good on his deen and everything, but my relationship with Islam was like there when I was back at home in Ethiopia. But there's this assumption that because A I was modeling and B I didn't wear hijab and you know whatever, or I didn't talk in an immure like soft, voice.
Speaker 1:I will say, though, I did have a friend in high school that was like that didn't wear hijab at all and like I was full niqabi. Yeah, and I do understand what you're saying. Where like people are? They automatically judge you. You know, even though, like my friend, she just like she was single mom, she was much more like she knew a lot more Quran than even me, you know, and I think she got like that snap judgments about her, which isn't fair because, like one day, her mom had picked her, picked us up from school, and then she commented she's like look, I'm looking at shaitan standing next to our first bully starts at home.
Speaker 2:yeah, yeah, so I completely understand that. So I think that's one thing as a community Allah has put me and I feel like I'm so okay with my experience because my judgment of people, I'm the most non-judgmental person when it comes to this. I have met so many non-hijabis that have a prayer rug in their purse and a Quran in their purse do you think I'm judgmental?
Speaker 2:I don't think I don't, I don't know you can't, you can't. You have your moments and it's not. It's not your person, it's, it's more of the things you are programmed with yes, I love that you said that it's a programming, and I do see you deconstruct that in your head when you are in the middle of a conversation. Yeah, it's always oh I. So I think your settings is a judgmental, but you get on on.
Speaker 1:Reset, master reset but no, but I think you judge me too, like because sometimes, like we'll have a conversation, and I think you think that I'm judging you because you're not quote-unquote as whatever you know as religious yeah, that's what I think, because sometimes like we'll have a conversation and I think you make it like, you make my, like reservations about Dean or like about you know, like a certain way that you're taking things when it's sometimes it's not necessarily the case, you know what I mean.
Speaker 2:I think, okay, I can hear that, but can I explain it? Yeah, go ahead, and I'm not like devaluing your experience with me or anything. I just think, because my relationship with hijabis is completely different, I always put hijabis in a pedestal and I think I've talked about this before, like I, which is why when I wore hijab, I took it very seriously. I was never hijab for Allah and pants for Abdullah. I was always like, like, like.
Speaker 2:I took it very seriously because I thought I saw it like being a hijabi and wearing a hijab and someone that is like being an ambassador of the dean, so you have to conduct yourself in a certain way. So I always put being a hijabi with being um, religiously savvy and religiously aware and wise, and all of that in the same scale. So most of the time, if you do say something, um, and I'm like there is a possibility, I equate it to deen, but it's not because I think, um, you are. I don't think it comes from judgment. I think it comes from my perception of like your islam uma, like your muslim uma, like I. I'm like, oh, she's so much more which is unfair, yes, yes, but I'm just saying it's not necessarily a negative thing, it's more of like.
Speaker 3:I just assume, and I've said this most can we just normalize that we do all judge?
Speaker 2:yeah yeah, yeah, yeah, I just I'm saying that I just normally put hijabis and people that and anyone that I'm in a room with in a more, uh, knowledgeable pedestal than I do I am. So I just I, I just kind of like, oh, she's probably doing this because, and so it could be a judgment, yes, but yeah, not like, oh, my god, she's a hijabi and she's judging me and therefore I'm going to judge her like not, yeah, yeah, oh, what were we talking about? You didn't tell me your impression of me or us.
Speaker 3:You're a kid. When I mentioned you're a kid, you're a sneaky kid, kind kid, aw, you're so cute Was a very adultified kid. So you had to be an adult when you didn't have to. So I don't have anything. Okay, what about her? She was very timid and very close-off's, as simple as I can get very timid, very um, suspicious of people and but mashallah, she's kind too. Oh yeah, her kindness shows up without even even trying to be kind. I think that's innately built within you, yeah, and but I do. She's very thoughtful too.
Speaker 2:Yeah, very thoughtful, very she is, and I think that's innately built within you, yeah, and, but I do she's very thoughtful too.
Speaker 3:Yeah, very thoughtful, very she is, and I think the more I spend time with you, the more I see it vivically what that reservation is.
Speaker 1:Right Say more Like.
Speaker 3:I can see why you have reservation and I understand it, but I'm not trying to change your mind about it. Right, and I understand it, but I'm not trying to change your mind about it. Right, I think we talked about friendships in the two season and where a program for you come from, and the thing is that I get it At the same time. You're kind of like slowly coming out of that shell too, but it's going to take you time for you to be in a place where, like, let me let all my guards down.
Speaker 1:Oh, okay. So I remember a couple of couple conversations ago I don't know which one, but you had said that, like if somebody has their guards down, I'm uncomfortable with that I am okay.
Speaker 3:I am because that tells me that I can't. Okay, so I'm going to be transparent. Okay, when I, when I see individuals have guard up, it tells me that I also have to keep my guard up. It also tells me that I question whether I feel safe enough with this person. And for me, at this stage of my life, emotional safety is my number one criteria of relationship, meaning that I can say what I need to say to you and you don't look for misunderstanding based on your own experiences. You try to be curious with me and try to understand where I'm coming from, versus making an assumption about what I said and kind of write me off of it, right? One of the things that we talked about is like, how do we give each other grace in the conflict situation? Is that's what it is? So what I'm realizing? That emotional safety is like not negotiable in relationship. For me, in friendships and the older I see that in like I come with something and if I feel like that was not received very well, then I kind of go backwards.
Speaker 1:How is that negotiated, though? Because I think, like I think, for me it's like initial, it depends, you know. So I think in its situation by situation. So how would you like gauge if somebody is being completely like guarding or like open? You know what I mean.
Speaker 3:Open is how curious they are with me and how curious they are with themselves. Open mean asking themselves questions, constantly evolving, constantly re-evaluating, and I sense there's level of accountability, acknowledgement, introspection, like they don't stray away from conflict and emotions. Right those things doesn't?
Speaker 1:it's not a fear thing for them, and so it's not yeah, I'm, yeah, I just, I just I think it's not my strongest suit.
Speaker 3:I would say emotions and like yeah, yeah, because I get really annoyed. I'm very, I'm very sensitive person.
Speaker 1:Yeah very both of you are. I think both of you are very sensitive.
Speaker 2:Emotions annoy me.
Speaker 3:They do. I'm sorry. I'm a highly sensitive person, yeah, and I recognize that. And I used to really stray away from it because I used to be made fun of for that by loved ones and relationships and people misunderstanding their sensitivities. And so, because I know I'm sensitive, the emotional safety attached to that sensitivity Right. And so, because I know I'm sensitive, the emotional safety attached to that sensitivity right. I know me enough to know that where my sensitivity is accepted, where my sensitivity is going to be bullied, right. So I no longer accept being dismissed for my sensitivity, right. And I no longer accept that in any way, whether it's my mother, I no longer accept that Because if that's what you're going to do to me, I'm going to take a step back and you do you there, even if it's my mother. Because for me it's that I can't mask not being sensitive. I'm an emotional person and I love that about me. Why do I need to kind of shrink myself for the other people to accept me?
Speaker 2:and right now is in like it's such a great place, but it's like relationships is great if it works, yeah, yeah, it's also okay if it doesn't yeah yeah yeah, so yeah, yeah yeah, I think, I think if I could just add one thing about the habit, I think, um, like I said about the fact that you know how I experience, if I could just add one thing about the habit, I think, like I said, about the fact that you know how I experienced what I experienced and therefore it has made me, like, less judgmental and enough people and so on and so forth, I think your sensitivity and your experience with that, I think and not to make it about me, but like even anyone that you I'm an example of that, make it about me, but like even anyone that you did, I'm an example of that like it had made you someone with so much compassion for anyone that I, you were like a lifeboat for me for a very long time.
Speaker 2:You know like, so I, a lot doesn't put us through things for nothing. I think it's just like sometimes we, um, we experience things, so we know how people are.
Speaker 2:You know, like we can actually relate and um yeah. So I think that that whole experience, I think it might have contributed to the fact that you're one of the most compassionate. You are compassionate people, I know yeah, like you're a big pumping heart walking around 100%.
Speaker 1:I know and I think yeah and and you know, with your therapist and everything, you're definitely like working through a lot of stuff that we had shared and stuff. Um, and I think for me, like because I grew up in such a non like emotionally charged house, you know like we just you just got over it. You know, like you, I think Apsharo you don't give yourself credit.
Speaker 2:You think so, I, I think so yeah, no, I think, I think you process differently yeah.
Speaker 1:So I think where my comfort, like comfortability, comes from is that like, yes, you, you are 100% entitled to your own emotions, um, but I feel like you have to process that yourself. Does that make sense? Like you, like you can't expect me to watch you through it, yeah, or like I don't know what I'm trying to say, but like, not, like it's not my responsibility. Does that make sense? Like you, you are, like you are entitled to your emotions, but don't expect me to um suffer the consequences of those emotions.
Speaker 1:Yeah, what do you mean by that?
Speaker 2:like okay um, it's not the person that you call if you're having emotions and you haven't processed through them yet. Right, is that true? I?
Speaker 1:feel like she, she will have a hard time yeah, because, like, I will, like, I will tell you, like, do a, b and c, like you know what I mean. Like, why are you complicating it? Yeah, problem so much like but that's generally everybody, unfortunately that's not true?
Speaker 2:that's not true. You, you sit with people.
Speaker 3:You're like I sit with people because I know what it feels like when people are trying to problem solve for me, and I don't want anybody to solve my problems.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I think a lot of time people want to problem solve their stuff while they have support to solve it with. Not that support is going to solve their problem. Does that make sense? It's like let's say, for example, I have a car issue. I don't want you to come fix my car. I want you to come sit with me at the garage, with me while my car gets fixed. I want you to pick me up when my car is fixed so I can go pick it up.
Speaker 1:People just that I can do. That's what I'm saying.
Speaker 2:Yeah, but what I'm saying is like If you're crying about the fact that your car broke down, like hurling that emotion at me, or like you know, like just how do you reassure your kiddos?
Speaker 3:no, she's figuring it out I'm figuring that okay, because you have one of those like you have me one of your kids.
Speaker 1:Usually the dad, my husband, deals with her, you know and my oldest.
Speaker 3:We click you're like okay, yeah, you're fine you, because I know me and father is very sensitive. We like emotion and re like reassure. Yeah, that's why You're like okay, yeah, you're fine, because I know me and Fati are very sensitive. We like emotion and reassure.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's why we're like fire. I mean it's a work in progress. It's a work in progress.
Speaker 3:I think that's good. That's the whole thing about friendship, right? You grow, you learn each other and you try to meet each other's needs, based on everybody, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:but then I feel like there's a difference between having emotion and then just having it run you as well. Does that make sense? Like what does that mean? Having it like every, like every decision, or whatever it's like?
Speaker 2:I don't know um, you want to like reiterate that, like re-say that, like? Okay, because I I think I know what you're saying, but what you're saying is not what you're trying to say.
Speaker 3:I love that. Okay, what do you? What is she okay?
Speaker 1:yeah what do you think?
Speaker 2:I'm saying, I think again, if I'm right, what I think you're saying is that it's you can't process like, you can't go through life, having every decision you make pass through an emotional channel.
Speaker 1:Pass through an emotional channel and then have that emotion be the one thing it goes through. You know what I mean, because not every decision that you make is an emotional decision. Can you give me an example, like let's go back to the car example. Like, okay, your car broke down. Okay, you know you need a problem fixer, or you need this problem to be fixed, you know, but like having crying about it or whatever, whatever it's not going to get that done. Does that make sense?
Speaker 3:right, but there's sense of experiences that happen prior to getting the car fixed, which is the problem. Yes, so what do you do with that experiences?
Speaker 2:but she just jumps.
Speaker 1:Yeah, fix it to fixing yeah, fix it first and then you can deal with it. You know, because my like how I operate is, whatever emotion you have about this thing is not gonna get you to be like you have a and you have b. It's not gonna get you to be go to be first and then you can circle retroactively, yeah, and then you can go back and fix whatever you feel about it or whatever that's a very interesting perspective.
Speaker 1:You know that's not work for me I don't know that works for me and I've lived 30 years and it's damn because I feel like maybe for me and her is like I don't know.
Speaker 2:I understand that, and I understand because I have like a balance over there.
Speaker 3:Yeah, no, I think I can handle crisis, but I don't. Because I've been through so much of life experiences, I feel my emotion later than I do at the beginning. Now I do exactly what you're saying. Okay, I don't cry right away. Okay, crying actually doesn't happen when something scary happened for me, crying happens later.
Speaker 3:All of a sudden, in the middle of something else, I start crying about the thing that happened. I can't relate. It was that thing that made me cry. But I know I'm crying about something. So sometimes I don't even understand, but because of I would say I know you guys don't like this, but because of trauma, I can.
Speaker 3:Only my body, my nerve system doesn't go into crying goes the same thing as you said. It's like it feels like everything is a war and I have to go fight that war battle and figure it out how I can handle it and then cry later. But the crying then is coming on a different form, like either let's say that my I'm making cookies and my cookie was not hot enough. I'm crying about that, but that's not what made me cry. That's not the root of it. The root of it. The root is that I got into car accident. I didn't really process my car accident and now I'm crying about the cookie that wasn't warm enough for me, so now I learned to not do that because I don't want my emotion for you to do it in the moment.
Speaker 3:I want you to instead of crying. I want you to recognize that I'm pissed about what happened. I want to go through the emotional experiences that happened. I'm mad, I'm frustrated. This is not happening for me. Okay, now take a deep breath, go eat something, take a water, sit down and then now let's go problem solve. Before I didn't have that tools right, I suppressed the emotion back. Let's go solve problem and then solve problem, and then I'm having fighting with somebody else about the thing that they didn't even do, because you didn't go back to the emotion. I didn't deal with the emotion. So it's. All of this is lesson learned, but in a sense of being young again, adultified children are always going to go into problem solving because that's a tool that we learn.
Speaker 2:Yeah, we don't know how to sit with our feelings. I'm a little bit different in the sense that I would cry when I need to cry, when something is happening, but then, in the middle of my tears, my brain's already coming up with the solution. That's very cool.
Speaker 2:that's yeah, since I was a child and that's why one of the things that, like um, used to irritate my little sister- is that like she would be stuck in the emotion, right going through it, and then I would just be like I would be right there, like crying with her feeling, her feelings, our feelings together, and then I would just, um, I would just like, by the time I'm done crying, I already have like, okay, we should do this and that and the other, and we should move this way, okay and then so, and I think that, I think it's a survival apparatus I think it is um, but like that's just how I like, even if it's it's something minute, it's like um, um, you know, like I got in a fight with my husband or whatever
Speaker 2:whatever I would like, feel my feelings, and then in the moment I'm like, okay, how did literally this is one thing that used to happen to me in the middle of crying and like being sad or upset or whatever angry, I would be like, okay, what are the parts that? Who are you fighting right now? What actually took place? Uh, what did you say? Fact checking yeah, like place.
Speaker 2:Uh, what did you say? Yeah, like I would be like, what did you say to ignite this? What is your role? I normally start in the middle, in the middle of feeling, thinking. I remember, literally when our apartment times I would be like sitting and I'll just be like, okay, you're pregnant, you are emotional, so what is the issue right now?
Speaker 2:Are you, are you like, is this as big as you're trying? You are emotional, so what is the issue right now? Are you, are you like, is this as big as you're trying to make it? Or are you making it this big because you're emotional? Like I'll like process and he's right there and having a conversation and he's talking and I'm listening to what he's saying, but then, at the same time, my brain is doing these things. Okay, what are the facts that he's, he's he's saying that makes sense, what are the things that you're saying? And are you saying it in a way that actually ignites with the way he likes to get communicated to? It was it's so weird, like that's how, and even, like you know, when I told you guys with um, something as serious as like my son when he he had a seizure in the in the soccer field um, jaylan called me.
Speaker 2:I went to the field to to him. I grabbed him. I was like, okay, my brain is panicking, I'm literally tears are running down my face because my brain is telling me he's dying. He's like I, my brain just went there because my dark thoughts right. But then at the same time I was like okay, listen for breathing. Okay, you're okay, he's breathing, he's fine. Okay, cool, um, pulse, he, you know, obviously he. And okay, now, what? What's the next thing to do? Where? Where did I see? Uh, security people, yeah, who do I? You know? Yeah, grab the thing, grab the kid, go.
Speaker 2:So you're going to crisis I'm like crisis mode, yeah, but then I'm still shaking and feeling the things and I could feel my body trying to kind of like drop. So I went into soldier stands like so you're fighting yeah, so you're fighting the emotion.
Speaker 2:I'm processing it, but I'm acknowledging my emotions and they said my body wants to fall down, so what can I do to keep myself? Up, so I literally was in soldier stands like my legs open and I was like, okay, if I open my legs like this and put my arms out like that, I'm gonna have more whatever torque whatever strength or whatever okay, now this is happening. He needs I literally that's how I process things in the middle. I'm feeling the things, I'm acknowledging my body, but I'm also so so you do fighting.
Speaker 3:so there, you know how there's fight and flight and freeze and fawn. Yeah, so you do fighting. So I do fight and freeze at the same time, you see that. I think I just fight yeah you just fight. So I fight and then it depends if it's related to people that I love, I will freeze. I fight while I'm fighting, my body's freezing slowly, the processing slows down in the brain.
Speaker 3:Fighting my body's freezing slowly, the processing slows down in the brain. So, and then I go into fun later, yeah, after the situation has been taken care of. So, yeah, it's our, our experiences like either you either fight, you either freeze, or you either flee, or you either go into fun and trying to make sure that everybody's okay. Yeah, yeah. So that's the four areas that we do anytime emotions arises and crisis open.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's why, whenever I'm tired, like whenever the situation is solved, I am collapsed, I'm on the ground, sleep tired Because you're working hard. My brain has a Overdrive Like I can't even make a decision about like water.
Speaker 1:Like.
Speaker 2:I just need to shut down and sleep. Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 3:Yeah, what are incredible ways of kind of connecting on today's episode and I think, but it works it works. Yeah, it's understanding different personalities and different experiences and different ways that we all got connected um, but I think it's a great way to wrap up our yeah, wrap, let's.
Speaker 2:Let's wrap up this episode by saying something positive about each other, something that we either appreciate or love or whatever, whatever, or what we hope.
Speaker 3:I'm going to go first. I'm going to go with Bonnie and then I'll come this direction. I love that you're very compassionate and you have very like positive drive when it comes to yourself and your family and the. The way that you handle multiple things at the same time is incredible, and it's also, at the same time, can be frightened because I'm like because the frightened part for me is, like when are you taking care of yourself?
Speaker 3:right, it's like I know, I know you and I know you're you. I hear about your health, too, from you and I worry a lot more about that as much as you're trying to do all these magnificent things like where is where you like? Where do you take care of your health and your mind? And you're eating and you're sleeping and you're resting because you're doing it, mashallah all, and so that's probably something that I don't know. You didn't ask for advice, but that was unsolicited, by the way. Please, please, center you, because everything that you're doing needs you, that's true. And so, as far as for afshiro, I love your kindness, I love your depth and I love that you are very calm and how to handle things, and I also like that you're evolving when it comes to a lot of the things that you usually shy away in the past four years, but you're starting to be much more curious and being open to things.
Speaker 3:Slowly, but you're kind of getting there too, hey, hey hey, you know, I love that you also have so much goals and ambition and you're also doing multifaceted things, just like Bonnie, and I like that. You guys are trying to balance you. The same thing goes for Bonnie. I'm saying to you too the part where is you right? Like seriously, like you guys are doing so many great things but you need to drink water or something.
Speaker 3:So that's it Stay hydrated, sleep and do fun things, and fun Like I don't know, don't forget about yourself. Yeah, you right, because I think, at the end of the day, all of those things matter and you are the main character to make that happen, that's true. So I want you to think of like I am the main character of my life. So for the unknown, or the main character, to do justice to the character, it needs to be able to have that.
Speaker 2:So, yeah, I have so many things to say, but I'll try to keep it short. One thing I love about Apsharo is the fact that she one is she. She's capable of anything like literally. You throw anything in Apsharo's way, she's like, okay, I got this, I'll figure it out, and she's just literally, she knows everything. Like I, literally, no, no, no, I mean. I mean I don't mean this in the hyperbolic sense, I mean like she, if she doesn't know it now, she will know it by the time that you talk to her next time, which is like she figured it out, or she doesn't like. She's like oh, you know, you go here and do that and you click this button and you figure it out. Now, like yesterday, we were, yeah, like she's so good at that and I her.
Speaker 2:I love the way her brain works. Her brain is like I can do it, I, I can do the business, I can do the IT. She was just talking about taking a course about AI thing. I'm like chat GBT, I pay $20, collage, I'm done, I don't need to learn anything. So I, I love that.
Speaker 2:And then I also love the fact that she is very certain.
Speaker 2:She's certain in who, she is certain in where she's going certain in what she likes and what she doesn't like and F the world In the sense that, like you know, this is my dean, this is my culture, this is my family, this is my friends and this is what I abide by and everything else comes and goes, but that's, that's real and that's true and I think, um, I've always searched for that certainty and I think that's also I've said this a lot, a lot of times like my everyone in my circle. I learn I wouldn't they're my teachers and I want to learn something from and I think I'm kind of like, uh, trying to take that and observe that, because I am a people pleaser and I I just I love the fact that you are so certain and so zen and you just don't get rattled, like even when you get rattled, you're, you're rattled is like my cool like you're so she's just consistent and um, and when she loves, she loves, or she won't tell you she loves you, but she loves you.
Speaker 1:I do, I know you do I wouldn't be here if I did that's there you go.
Speaker 2:And then I, I also love the fact that, um you, you tend to process other people's thoughts and feelings, and how the other person thinks and how the what the other person needs, and so on and so forth. So, um, and what I hope for you is also, um, honestly, I just hope, like after that, have I said, for you to be able to have time to take care of yourself, to do things that you want to do, uh, to be a little bit more adventurous, I think um with yourself, uh.
Speaker 2:But yeah, I think that's that's what I hope for you. I hope allah opens all the doors that you have been knocking on and, yeah, answers all your duas. And for the habe, my darling, I can't say enough positive things about the habe. I feel like it's this podcast actually has gotten us more in contact, like I don't think we fought once or argued once in like before a podcast never.
Speaker 3:Then we argue all the time not argue disagreement, okay argue disagree, all different ways of looking at things.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I also think I I know you better now. I I know you better in the sense because I get to see different aspects of you. And, um, um, like I've said earlier, you are one of the most compassionate. I've always said you're one of the most compassionate, one of the smartest people I know. Um, you also are very, um, you're one of those people that I look up to in the sense that I want to emulate um, in the sense you, you have always kind of just danced to your own beat and your own drum and I may Allah also open the wait.
Speaker 2:I have more. Oh, my goodness, oh my goodness. One thing your joy, your joy, your joy, your joy. You just have, like, you just have this infectious like welcoming spirit that everyone around you just feels so welcome and warm and like, even when you're uncomfortable, people don't walk away feeling like, oh, you know, so-and-so made me feel very uncomfortable, or so they just feel, wow, she's so, she's so welcoming, she's so warm, she's so kind. Um, my, my husband is so protective of her. Like it's crazy. I told you this, right, he's like the habit is just so, so musky, the habit is so nice. I just may allah protect the habit he he's so he always does stuff like that. Um, so yeah, I think I can't say anything in so much, but yeah may allah open the doors to your positive you doors you've been knocking on.
Speaker 2:May Allah make all the things that you're concerned about Out the window Story of the past. I hope Allah Makes 2025 and beyond Just ease. Filled with ease, Filled with Greatness, lots of money, Lots of power lots, lots of health good health, yes, so I just I just wish all of that.
Speaker 1:Did you wagon?
Speaker 2:yes, yes, you can judge me if you want to but, yes to that um, yeah, so that's, that's what I have to say for us.
Speaker 3:Well, thank you thank you for those kind words. Of course and this has- been Girl.
Speaker 1:I didn't say my piece, oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Speaker 2:This is a payback Payback.
Speaker 1:Payback, payback. Okay, I'm going to start with the heavy.
Speaker 2:Um, I can feel how uncomfortable she is. She's just like no, it's not about uncomfortability.
Speaker 1:I will. I will say that I appreciate that. You are the heart of this team. Um, we, you always bring it back to like the person. You know how the person is doing, cause I think a lot of times we I don't know me more than Bonnie, I guess we think about like the bigger picture. You know how does this look, um, and I love that you are always centering the person, how the person feels, how the person takes it.
Speaker 1:Um, you know the trauma responses and all that stuff, um, and I love that you're always bringing your strength of um seeing this person whole and not necessarily the different parts and you know, I really do appreciate that that's actually my life goal always see whole person. Yeah, yeah, not not that like not only the Muslim side, not only the women's side, not only you know the human side, so I really do appreciate that and I've learned so much from you. Um, and I'm inching towards, maybe we can meet in the middle you know, I love that.
Speaker 1:I don't know that I want to be, you know, all the way there. She's not comfortable there yet, but um, I do appreciate you and I think that you know. I think that's that's what completes our team. You're the glue, yeah um and now this one.
Speaker 1:No, I will say, you know, uh, bonnie, what I do appreciate about you is that your drive um, you're such a go-getter and you push our team to do better, always looking at the next thing that we can do. You know, keeping things that like let's do this, and I just I love how multi-gold you are, like faceted and you want to do so many different things and honestly, that's a strength, because then it keeps us from not being stagnant, it pushes us kind of outside our comfortability and our comfort zones, and we definitely need that, I think, for both of you. I will say we just need to meet each other in the middle, all of us.
Speaker 1:I think so too, and I think that and I've said this before that you know just giving each other grace and kind of saying that like, yes, I am this way and yes, you are this way, but let's meet somewhere that we can all balance each other out.
Speaker 2:Now you guys see why she sits in the middle, yeah.
Speaker 3:Absolutely To that note. We want to say thank you so much to my incredible host and so much, so much buttering today. So I'm going to go home with that and I hope everybody has incredible upcoming year and I hope this season brought you so much joy and tears and laughter and awareness, and I think it's a lot of a hard episode, but I think I love that we ended on this episode because it's a lot lighter than everything else, but it's been an incredible experience. We did push each other outside of our comfort zone this season as well. I want to be grateful. I'm grateful for my team and I'm grateful for their kindness and their patience, and so I hope you'll enjoy that and please go ahead and acknowledge one or two person in your life that makes you feel the same way. So this is a difficult conversation, assalamualaikum.
Speaker 1:Join the conversation in the comment section or on our Instagram page to share with us what you think. We do not have all the answers and our biggest goal is to kick off and get the conversation going. May Allah accept our efforts and use us as catalysts for for change.
Speaker 3:NBC All relation to NBC.